Well it's been almost 3 months since my last post. You could say I have been on a hiatus, a break or a bender perhaps? Sometimes I feel like a drug addict that fell off the wagon. Food has always been my drug of choice and I am a very obsessive person (my closest friends will get a kick out of that line ;)
So let me detail what has been going on in my life in the past 3 months.
Not long after my last post (July 28th- which coincidentally was exactly 1 year after I started this journey and this blog) I published a book- August 11th to be exact. The whole process of publishing this book was foreign, exhilarating, nerve-wracking, scary and thrilling at the same time. I was completely consumed with thoughts like, "What have I done?" or "Holy crap!!!" The emotions surrounding this book release were some I had never felt before in my life and it was all consuming. I am not surprised that I completely let go of everything else in my life. This was something I was completely ill-equipped to deal with but at the same time felt like it was exactly what I was meant to do with my life- a complete dichotomy.
Just a few weeks after I published the book I went back to work after the summer "hiatus". The struggles of getting back into the routine of work and getting the girls back into school threw me for a loop. Grace started middle school which has been a struggle for both of us as well. Work has been very different this year and it was hard for me to get back into the swing of it when really all I wanted to be doing was writing my next book and promoting the one I had just published.
So is anyone surprised why I fell off the exercise wagon and put a few pounds back on? Well I am not at all. I have struggled all year to find a love for it and it just wasn't there, as hard as I tried or wanted it to be. The bottom line is- I hate it!! I hated counting every calorie and worrying about everything I put in my mouth and the daily stress of "OMG I have to walk today." I hated every second of it so it was all too easy to just "let it go" and focus on all the other things in my life that I didn't have an option about- work, raising children, publishing, cleaning etc.
The problem is.... I am not happy with the aftermath of quitting my journey to get healthy. I have gained some weight (Not as much as I would have thought), I am feeling unhealthy and my overall psyche is effected. I hate being the "fat girl" and it has reached the point where I hate that more than I hate exercising and focusing on my food. But WOW even writing that I am starting to stress about all that goes into jumping back into this journey. The food preparation, the daily struggle to exercise, the thought processes needed to succeed- all send that feeling of "breaking out in hives" up my back.
So here I sit on the cusp of change again and I am at a loss as to what I really want. Well I know what I really want- I want to be fat and happy - but for me that is my own personal oxymoron (contradictory terms that are put together). It's not possible for ME to have both. I want to be the skinny girl, the one that doesn't have to worry about how I look in clothes, the one that "gets the guy", the one that everyone looks at and says, "wow she looks good." I'm not sure if that is even in the cards for me but those thoughts become all consuming for me. The struggle might actually be because for half of my life I WAS that girl and I don't know what happened to her.
And here I sit wondering what do I need to get that back- well I know exactly what it takes to get that- EXACTLY!!! I know it with every fiber of my being what it takes and I HATE IT!!
You can talk the talk
or you can walk the walk.
-Gavin Degraw
Again I liken it to a drug addict facing sobriety- this has to be what it feels like. Am I willing to do what I need to do to get what I want most? The answer is really simple- I don't know. and that right there scares me more than anything.
Take those boots off the shelf
Wipe that dust off yourself
-Gavin Degraw
Am I ready to lace up my running shoes again? Do I have a choice?
Losing, well, it sometimes burns, but you keep moving on
You've got to push on like you're leading a nation
Got to make the best out of this situation
Get your hands up like it's a celebration
and you keep moving on
-Gavin Degraw
Am I ready for my "hiatus" to end? Not sure I have a choice, I have to make a change because what I have been doing hasn't been working for me. I have to find a way to add exercise and calorie counting back into my hectic, stressful life and maybe this time I will find a way to love it? Hey one can hope right?
Until then,
"Even if you've been through hell.... you're back."
-Gavin Degraw
****This post brought to you be the song "Everything Will Change" from Gavin's new album Make a Move.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
365 Days- Gains and Losses
Well it has been 365 days since I started this journey. 365 days since I said I was no longer going to be a couch potato and was going to take back my life and make some positive changes. I can remember sitting down to write my first blog post. At that time I could barely walk 1/2 mile at a pretty decent speed. I remember the tears of fear and embarrassment when I would meet with my training group and struggle to just keep walking. I remember the hopes and dreams of being more comfortable in my body by the next summer.
So here I sit, halfway through "the next summer". In reflecting on the past year I am not going to detail every pound I lost. I didn't lose as much weight as I wanted to by this time but I have lost so much more!
Here is a list of all the "non-weight" things I have lost this year:
I have lost:
1. My negative thinking in general
2. My negative perception of myself
3. The inability to walk 3+ miles
4. The perception that running is something I can't do
5. My thoughts that I can't do this
Losing all the negativity in my life surrounding my body and my weight, I have also gained so much more!
I have gained:
1. The knowledge that any goal is challenging but worth pursuing.
2. Learning that things may not happen in the way that you want them to but that doesn't mean you quit.
3. Embracing that life is full of challenges and surprises- both equally as exciting and important.
4. Finding out that we don't always get what we want out of life but we get what we work for, even if the results are not what we originally intended.
5. Life is hard, but doing nothing is harder.
6. Life is worth every step of the journey - even the struggles teach us things about ourselves we never would have known otherwise.
And so many other positive things, I could list forever.
I could sit here and spew negativity about his past year and how I didn't lose the 30 or 50 pounds I had thought I would lose. I could drone on and on about how I am still not happy with my body and disappointed that I still can't look in a mirror without cringing. I could be negative and sad and angry and all those other negative emotions that are so easy to grasp on to. There is a part of my brain that is just begging to be let out and fester on this page. But probably the most important thing I have gained (learned) this year is that stinking thinking will get me no where. It is the devil's work and will only serve to put me right back where I was in the years prior to taking this leap. It would be easy for me to get on my negative high horse and knock down everything I have built up this year but you know what? I don't want to, have no desire to go there. It isn't a place that my mind lives anymore. That negative place of thinking is where I lived for many many years and is exactly why I am in the state that I was in the first place. It got me nowhere.
So instead I think about the positive things that this year has brought me. Yes this year did not bring me the weight loss that I had hoped but it has brought me so much more than I could have ever hoped for! This blog has detailed so many of them already and there are so many more to come!
On August 15th I hope to announce so very exciting news! Something I have worked on for a very long time. Something that made me stretch and grow more than I ever thought possible, even more than this journey did. It has to stay a secret for now but I can't wait to announce it to everyone and see where this next journey will take me!!
I will continue to blog, I will continue the daily struggle of staying active and healthy and I WILL lose more weight and feel better about myself! This was never a journey I was only on for a year but I am on it for a lifetime. If it takes me another year to lose the weight I had hoped then so be it. Despite the fact that I haven't lost what I had hoped, I am happier and healthier than I have been in a very very long time. The struggles, the tears, the joys, the friendships, the music, the laughter, the heartache, the bitterness, the love..... it is all part of life and it should all be celebrated as part of our story, our journey!
So this isn't goodbye for now, but it is the beginning of a change in another direction! After August 15th I will be starting a new blog- one that will detail the "other" journey I have been on simultaneously with this one. I can't wait to tell you all about it! I will continue to blog about my "getting healthy" journey here as well!
Until then,
Embracing the journey
So here I sit, halfway through "the next summer". In reflecting on the past year I am not going to detail every pound I lost. I didn't lose as much weight as I wanted to by this time but I have lost so much more!
Here is a list of all the "non-weight" things I have lost this year:
I have lost:
1. My negative thinking in general
2. My negative perception of myself
3. The inability to walk 3+ miles
4. The perception that running is something I can't do
5. My thoughts that I can't do this
Losing all the negativity in my life surrounding my body and my weight, I have also gained so much more!
I have gained:
1. The knowledge that any goal is challenging but worth pursuing.
2. Learning that things may not happen in the way that you want them to but that doesn't mean you quit.
3. Embracing that life is full of challenges and surprises- both equally as exciting and important.
4. Finding out that we don't always get what we want out of life but we get what we work for, even if the results are not what we originally intended.
5. Life is hard, but doing nothing is harder.
6. Life is worth every step of the journey - even the struggles teach us things about ourselves we never would have known otherwise.
And so many other positive things, I could list forever.
I could sit here and spew negativity about his past year and how I didn't lose the 30 or 50 pounds I had thought I would lose. I could drone on and on about how I am still not happy with my body and disappointed that I still can't look in a mirror without cringing. I could be negative and sad and angry and all those other negative emotions that are so easy to grasp on to. There is a part of my brain that is just begging to be let out and fester on this page. But probably the most important thing I have gained (learned) this year is that stinking thinking will get me no where. It is the devil's work and will only serve to put me right back where I was in the years prior to taking this leap. It would be easy for me to get on my negative high horse and knock down everything I have built up this year but you know what? I don't want to, have no desire to go there. It isn't a place that my mind lives anymore. That negative place of thinking is where I lived for many many years and is exactly why I am in the state that I was in the first place. It got me nowhere.
So instead I think about the positive things that this year has brought me. Yes this year did not bring me the weight loss that I had hoped but it has brought me so much more than I could have ever hoped for! This blog has detailed so many of them already and there are so many more to come!
On August 15th I hope to announce so very exciting news! Something I have worked on for a very long time. Something that made me stretch and grow more than I ever thought possible, even more than this journey did. It has to stay a secret for now but I can't wait to announce it to everyone and see where this next journey will take me!!
I will continue to blog, I will continue the daily struggle of staying active and healthy and I WILL lose more weight and feel better about myself! This was never a journey I was only on for a year but I am on it for a lifetime. If it takes me another year to lose the weight I had hoped then so be it. Despite the fact that I haven't lost what I had hoped, I am happier and healthier than I have been in a very very long time. The struggles, the tears, the joys, the friendships, the music, the laughter, the heartache, the bitterness, the love..... it is all part of life and it should all be celebrated as part of our story, our journey!
So this isn't goodbye for now, but it is the beginning of a change in another direction! After August 15th I will be starting a new blog- one that will detail the "other" journey I have been on simultaneously with this one. I can't wait to tell you all about it! I will continue to blog about my "getting healthy" journey here as well!
Until then,
Embracing the journey
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Be Careful What You Wish For
Summer is officially half over- OH MY that hurt to type!! Going in to this summer I had a few things I wanted to accomplish and well folks, I have not accomplished any of them. Well I am keeping consistent at least.
Change is very hard for me. I get stuck in ruts so often you would think I was a truck tire living permanently in the mud. Is it a comfortable place for me? I have been trying to figure out why I let myself get stuck so often. Fear of moving forward? Scared of actually getting what I want? Or maybe it is just that I am lazy? I still haven't figured it out.
So here was my original list:
1. Clean out my dining room (currently floor to ceiling storage and a big source of anxiety)
2. Recaulk my bathroom (I don't do these type of household chores)
3. Paint my bedroom (hasn't been painted in 18 years)
4. Lose 10 pounds
5. Read, read, read
So that was it- didn't seem too difficult- what was I thinking??? This now seems like I might have bitten off more than my lazy self can chew. I should know by now NOT to set myself up for failure this way, but as I am finding- this is what I do alot!! I set my goals too high to ever reach them so I make it easy to back out. Classic Kristin move!
So what am I to do now? Every morning I wake up and say, "I am going to run today." or "Today is the day I get in the dining room and start cleaning it." or even, "Today I will download a new book and begin reading." Well you see these things never happen. I have spent way too much time analyzing my lack of motivation and why I spend all day in an anxious, paralyzed state of non-productiveness (is that a word?)
So with 4 more weeks until I have to go back to work, I better get started on something!! I think I need to rework my list to include only 1 thing at a time. So I need to decide where to start. I think I will spend all day today pondering that question. Ok ,Ok, I know, I know, I can't do that. Pick one and start- sounds easy? Well here are my thoughts on that:
1. If I start cleaning the dining room today it will take all day and then nothing else will get done, it will probably take several days and the thought of spending several days in a heightened state of anxiety is not appealing.
2. In order to recaulk my bathroom I must first learn how to do it. Then I have to go get the supplies I need and the thought of wondering around Lowes wondering just what the heck I am doing is so unappealing.
3.PAINT??? Are you kidding me? I HATE to paint!!!
4. Well everyday is a struggle to lose weight- EVERYDAY I think about what I am putting in my mouth and the fact that I haven't gone running in weeks. And then there is the awful chunk I took out of my heel this week that is preventing me from putting on my running shoes.
5. I want to start a new book but can't justify spending my non-existent money on a new download and I am too lazy to look into the library app.
And the list just keeps going on and on- in essence- I continue to be my own worst enemy and I constantly get in my own way!
Ok Kristin, enough words- let's put something into action today!
So here is what I am going to do (like it or not)- I am going to lace up my running shoes (with extra band-aids on my heel) and go for a walk on the treadmill in the air conditioning, watching a livestream video of Gavin Degraw that is hilarious!!! Then I am going to get in the dining room for 30 minutes (I will set an alarm) and whatever I get done will be good enough for today!
I think I need to stop there so I, once again, don't set myself up for failure! After all, there are many other things I need to get done today like laundry and dishes.
July 29th is one year since I started this journey. I am 12 pounds away from my original goal for the year. I WILL get those 12 pounds off and then keep moving forward to lose more. I have learned that it's not the time it takes but the journey that matters!
So there you have it- a little peek into the anxiety ridden mind of me! Fun place to be wouldn't ya say? It is who I am and I have to work with it, not against it! Learn from it and continue to move forward! I work best under pressure and know that something will get accomplished before I am thrust back into the teaching world.
Until then,
"Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it"
Change is very hard for me. I get stuck in ruts so often you would think I was a truck tire living permanently in the mud. Is it a comfortable place for me? I have been trying to figure out why I let myself get stuck so often. Fear of moving forward? Scared of actually getting what I want? Or maybe it is just that I am lazy? I still haven't figured it out.
So here was my original list:
1. Clean out my dining room (currently floor to ceiling storage and a big source of anxiety)
2. Recaulk my bathroom (I don't do these type of household chores)
3. Paint my bedroom (hasn't been painted in 18 years)
4. Lose 10 pounds
5. Read, read, read
So that was it- didn't seem too difficult- what was I thinking??? This now seems like I might have bitten off more than my lazy self can chew. I should know by now NOT to set myself up for failure this way, but as I am finding- this is what I do alot!! I set my goals too high to ever reach them so I make it easy to back out. Classic Kristin move!
So what am I to do now? Every morning I wake up and say, "I am going to run today." or "Today is the day I get in the dining room and start cleaning it." or even, "Today I will download a new book and begin reading." Well you see these things never happen. I have spent way too much time analyzing my lack of motivation and why I spend all day in an anxious, paralyzed state of non-productiveness (is that a word?)
So with 4 more weeks until I have to go back to work, I better get started on something!! I think I need to rework my list to include only 1 thing at a time. So I need to decide where to start. I think I will spend all day today pondering that question. Ok ,Ok, I know, I know, I can't do that. Pick one and start- sounds easy? Well here are my thoughts on that:
1. If I start cleaning the dining room today it will take all day and then nothing else will get done, it will probably take several days and the thought of spending several days in a heightened state of anxiety is not appealing.
2. In order to recaulk my bathroom I must first learn how to do it. Then I have to go get the supplies I need and the thought of wondering around Lowes wondering just what the heck I am doing is so unappealing.
3.PAINT??? Are you kidding me? I HATE to paint!!!
4. Well everyday is a struggle to lose weight- EVERYDAY I think about what I am putting in my mouth and the fact that I haven't gone running in weeks. And then there is the awful chunk I took out of my heel this week that is preventing me from putting on my running shoes.
5. I want to start a new book but can't justify spending my non-existent money on a new download and I am too lazy to look into the library app.
And the list just keeps going on and on- in essence- I continue to be my own worst enemy and I constantly get in my own way!
Ok Kristin, enough words- let's put something into action today!
So here is what I am going to do (like it or not)- I am going to lace up my running shoes (with extra band-aids on my heel) and go for a walk on the treadmill in the air conditioning, watching a livestream video of Gavin Degraw that is hilarious!!! Then I am going to get in the dining room for 30 minutes (I will set an alarm) and whatever I get done will be good enough for today!
I think I need to stop there so I, once again, don't set myself up for failure! After all, there are many other things I need to get done today like laundry and dishes.
July 29th is one year since I started this journey. I am 12 pounds away from my original goal for the year. I WILL get those 12 pounds off and then keep moving forward to lose more. I have learned that it's not the time it takes but the journey that matters!
So there you have it- a little peek into the anxiety ridden mind of me! Fun place to be wouldn't ya say? It is who I am and I have to work with it, not against it! Learn from it and continue to move forward! I work best under pressure and know that something will get accomplished before I am thrust back into the teaching world.
Until then,
"Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it"
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Reflections on my "Best I Ever Had" day!
Every once in a while life offers us an incredible experience thrown in the mix of the utterly ordinary. Sometimes we get so caught up in life and we miss them or don't fully grasp their significance.
(This blog is about my journey to get healthy but every once in awhile I need to throw in some personal reflection of another nature. This is one of those times....)
If you know me, then you know at least 3 things about me- 1- I am shy, overly emotional, and sappy. 2- if you come to my house, 9 times out of 10, it will be a mess and 3- I am a big fan of Gavin Degraw's music. There are many many other things that define me but these 3 stand out. I have never made any apologies for who I am as a person so I will also not make any apologies for this over-emotional sappy blog post about Gavin.
I have always thought my life pretty ordinary and boring, but in a good way. The past year I have sought to make some positive changes in my life and it has not always been easy or as fast as I thought it would be and I have often been discouraged. However when I look back on the last 12 months I am amazed at all that has actually changed. 6 months ago I didn't know who Gavin Degraw was. I also didn't know some of the people that have come into my life as a result of his music. Most importantly I didn't know that his music would have such a profound impact on me as a person.
Around March Gavin's summer tour was announced and immediately I bought tickets with 2 friends I had met on twitter, Vickie and Nicole. I had met Vickie at my first Gavin concert in Williamsburg in February. To have met friends from social media was an entirely new phenomenon to me. I marvel at the significance of this now in my life! For months we would chat frequently about our anticipation for the concert, along with 2 other friends, also from twitter. Not many of my other friends really understood the level of excitement I had for that day, but these girls did. To have friends who just "get it" was pretty cool! To develop a deep friendship with these 4 women is one of my favorite new blessings in my life.
So the week of the concert was here. I was driving to Richmond to stay at Vickie's house and meet Nicole for the first time. I felt like I knew these ladies so well already and wasn't all that nervous about doing something a bit bizarre. I am still in awe of the power of social media sometimes! So sitting in Vickie's kitchen Wednesday night I felt like I was with 2 old dear friends who had been a part of my life for a long time. Pretty amazing!
I didn't sleep much Wednesday night because the nerves were starting to build. We found out from one of our other fan friends that we were going to see him at a private show at a radio station (there are a few details I am omitting here to get right to the point). I had no idea how to process the fact that I was going to meet him again!! (I met him for the first time after the Williamsburg concert). I will also be forever grateful to Tina who worked her magic to make it all happen!
Driving to the radio station I was a quiet bundle of nervous energy. I cannot properly describe to you the feelings I was having about meeting the person who sings the songs that carry me through each day. The anticipation was both thrilling and nerve wrecking. For awhile we weren't sure we were going to be able to get in, but when I found out that it was definitely happening I started to feel very calm. It was so important to me to just be in the moment.
Gavin sang 2 songs and we were so fortunate to be front and center! He is a born performer- his wit, his charm and his voice making every bit of it unforgettable. I wanted to video tape it so that I could relive it often, but also felt a bit odd doing so. I was able to capture one full song and half of the other. I still can't watch the video I took of "Not Over You" without tearing up.
After his songs I joined a long line to meet him- and here comes my favorite part! Gavin took time with each person in that room. He looks you right in the eye, shakes your hand and makes you feel like you are the most important person for that brief moment! (next time I am getting a hug ;)
All too often, celebrities use their status to put themselves above everyone else. The fact that Gavin doesn't do this is one of my very favorite things about him as a person. It felt like he was just one of us, hanging out and that is beyond cool in my book.
So I had my minute with him- I believe that he remembered me from the Williamsburg concert- or the numerous times I tweet him (ooopsie). He said, "Nice to see you again." WHAT? He meets hundreds of people and yet he recognized my face? Pretty damn amazing Degraw!! I sat and watched him greet the other 30 or so people (I know kinda creepy but whatever) and each and every person was made to feel incredibly special for their brief moment. *side note- When he said "Come here, hold me" for the picture, I may or may not have swooned just a little- but don't tell anyone*
When we left the station I was in complete awe of what had just happened and how very fortunate I was and I still had the concert to look forward too! The three of us got to the venue early and were so thankful that we had upgraded to covered seats from lawn seats as it was pouring down rain! We were the only people in our whole section when we got there. The venue started filling up and the concert began. We stood for most of his songs (probably to the displeasure of those behind us) but we could not sit! Clapping, dancing and singing along, I was blissfully happy! When it was over my first thought was when can I do this again? We are seeing him again August 31st but that felt like too far away. Luckily I have some videos to be able to relive the day. (links posted below)
Never in a million years would I have thought that music would bring so much into my life. Happiness, joy, raw emotion, friendships, memorable experiences- all because of music. How cool is that? I know other people experience this same thrill from sports or hobbies but I have found mine through song :)
All in all the past few days will go down in my life as some of the most meaningful and memorable. Thanks Music Man!!!
Gavin, if you ever read this, thank you for being you- for sharing a piece of yourself with people through your humble lyrics and your beautiful voice. You are a regular guy just doing what you are passionate about and sharing it with others- that, my friend, is pretty rare and awesome. You have a lifelong fan in Maryland!
As I go about my life, getting back to my normal routine, I catch myself reliving those moments with a smile. I have to remind myself that sometimes in life great things do happen. They may not be the things we want to happen or hope to happen but sometimes, many times, they are far better because they are unexpected, special and rare! When I think about the things that I want to happen in my life- like losing weight, or being able to pay my bills, for example, I will stop and remember the gift I had that came along in a different package than I was expecting. (See I told you I was overly sappy sometimes)
With a renewed vigor I will now get back to work on myself and wait for the next incredible, unexpected, special moment. Good things DO come to those who wait! July 26th is one year from when I started this journey and I still have much to accomplish before then! So excited about all the good things this next year will bring! It's time for me to "Make a Move" (also the title of Gavin's album due out in September :0)
Until then,
Remembering my "Best I Ever Had" day (Gavin's new single, Best I Ever Had, is amazing BTW)
(This blog is about my journey to get healthy but every once in awhile I need to throw in some personal reflection of another nature. This is one of those times....)
If you know me, then you know at least 3 things about me- 1- I am shy, overly emotional, and sappy. 2- if you come to my house, 9 times out of 10, it will be a mess and 3- I am a big fan of Gavin Degraw's music. There are many many other things that define me but these 3 stand out. I have never made any apologies for who I am as a person so I will also not make any apologies for this over-emotional sappy blog post about Gavin.
I have always thought my life pretty ordinary and boring, but in a good way. The past year I have sought to make some positive changes in my life and it has not always been easy or as fast as I thought it would be and I have often been discouraged. However when I look back on the last 12 months I am amazed at all that has actually changed. 6 months ago I didn't know who Gavin Degraw was. I also didn't know some of the people that have come into my life as a result of his music. Most importantly I didn't know that his music would have such a profound impact on me as a person.
Around March Gavin's summer tour was announced and immediately I bought tickets with 2 friends I had met on twitter, Vickie and Nicole. I had met Vickie at my first Gavin concert in Williamsburg in February. To have met friends from social media was an entirely new phenomenon to me. I marvel at the significance of this now in my life! For months we would chat frequently about our anticipation for the concert, along with 2 other friends, also from twitter. Not many of my other friends really understood the level of excitement I had for that day, but these girls did. To have friends who just "get it" was pretty cool! To develop a deep friendship with these 4 women is one of my favorite new blessings in my life.
So the week of the concert was here. I was driving to Richmond to stay at Vickie's house and meet Nicole for the first time. I felt like I knew these ladies so well already and wasn't all that nervous about doing something a bit bizarre. I am still in awe of the power of social media sometimes! So sitting in Vickie's kitchen Wednesday night I felt like I was with 2 old dear friends who had been a part of my life for a long time. Pretty amazing!
I didn't sleep much Wednesday night because the nerves were starting to build. We found out from one of our other fan friends that we were going to see him at a private show at a radio station (there are a few details I am omitting here to get right to the point). I had no idea how to process the fact that I was going to meet him again!! (I met him for the first time after the Williamsburg concert). I will also be forever grateful to Tina who worked her magic to make it all happen!
Driving to the radio station I was a quiet bundle of nervous energy. I cannot properly describe to you the feelings I was having about meeting the person who sings the songs that carry me through each day. The anticipation was both thrilling and nerve wrecking. For awhile we weren't sure we were going to be able to get in, but when I found out that it was definitely happening I started to feel very calm. It was so important to me to just be in the moment.
Gavin sang 2 songs and we were so fortunate to be front and center! He is a born performer- his wit, his charm and his voice making every bit of it unforgettable. I wanted to video tape it so that I could relive it often, but also felt a bit odd doing so. I was able to capture one full song and half of the other. I still can't watch the video I took of "Not Over You" without tearing up.
All too often, celebrities use their status to put themselves above everyone else. The fact that Gavin doesn't do this is one of my very favorite things about him as a person. It felt like he was just one of us, hanging out and that is beyond cool in my book.
So I had my minute with him- I believe that he remembered me from the Williamsburg concert- or the numerous times I tweet him (ooopsie). He said, "Nice to see you again." WHAT? He meets hundreds of people and yet he recognized my face? Pretty damn amazing Degraw!! I sat and watched him greet the other 30 or so people (I know kinda creepy but whatever) and each and every person was made to feel incredibly special for their brief moment. *side note- When he said "Come here, hold me" for the picture, I may or may not have swooned just a little- but don't tell anyone*
Never in a million years would I have thought that music would bring so much into my life. Happiness, joy, raw emotion, friendships, memorable experiences- all because of music. How cool is that? I know other people experience this same thrill from sports or hobbies but I have found mine through song :)
All in all the past few days will go down in my life as some of the most meaningful and memorable. Thanks Music Man!!!
Gavin, if you ever read this, thank you for being you- for sharing a piece of yourself with people through your humble lyrics and your beautiful voice. You are a regular guy just doing what you are passionate about and sharing it with others- that, my friend, is pretty rare and awesome. You have a lifelong fan in Maryland!
As I go about my life, getting back to my normal routine, I catch myself reliving those moments with a smile. I have to remind myself that sometimes in life great things do happen. They may not be the things we want to happen or hope to happen but sometimes, many times, they are far better because they are unexpected, special and rare! When I think about the things that I want to happen in my life- like losing weight, or being able to pay my bills, for example, I will stop and remember the gift I had that came along in a different package than I was expecting. (See I told you I was overly sappy sometimes)
With a renewed vigor I will now get back to work on myself and wait for the next incredible, unexpected, special moment. Good things DO come to those who wait! July 26th is one year from when I started this journey and I still have much to accomplish before then! So excited about all the good things this next year will bring! It's time for me to "Make a Move" (also the title of Gavin's album due out in September :0)
Until then,
Remembering my "Best I Ever Had" day (Gavin's new single, Best I Ever Had, is amazing BTW)
Not Over You- 94.9 The Point- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xv2xsArW0I
The end of Best I Ever Had- 94.9- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKeSn95pbb8
Make a Move- Virginia Farm Bureau Live- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=881ztsvrvJ8
Who's Gonna Save us Tonight (credit to Tina)- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lqroL8x4yk
Best I Ever Had- Virginia Farm Bureau Live- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhspqYtlXdU&feature=youtu.be
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
A Self-Loathing Pity Party of One (no comments required)
de·feat·ed
/diˈfētid/
Adjective
|
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Delusions and Denial
So you may have been wondering where I have been. Well I have been wondering too! April 6th was my last blog post and in that time I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, didn't join a convent and most importantly I haven't given up. I basically have been living a cushy life of delusions and denial. It's been a pleasant place to live, until I see a few pictures of me that snap me back to reality.
Delusions- a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact.
Denial- Disbelief in the existence of reality.
My life has always been a battle between reality and denial and the past few months found me relapsing into the fantasy world where I believe that I can lose weight without counting calories, without exercise and without blogging. In my silly state of denial I actually expected to step on that scale every morning and be greeted with a lower number. That place where I put on an outfit and think I look good and thin and then I see a picture of me and I look like a moose- wait, that isn't what I saw in the mirror, that isn't how I pictured myself in my head. yup BIG denial!
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
Well duh you don't get results living in this delusional state. And here I am faced with the summer, which means shorts, bathing suits (I just threw up a little in my mouth) and a general lack of clothing that cover all those bulges. So I have been reluctantly forced out of my few months reprieve.
Lately I have had a seething jealousy of skinny people. It is irrational and unfounded but it is where I want to be and where I know I can be, where I once was. I want to walk into any clothing store and find something cute on the rack and just put it on and feel good and look good. That is my motivation and sadly and I am not there YET.
So I dusted off my beloved running shoes and got back on the program. I am very happy to report that I ran almost half of my trek this morning and really shocked myself at how much I was able to run. I found myself smiling every time I ran, it was without thought and almost made me giddy inside. Why did I stop doing this? I kept asking myself.
While running, Chariot by Gavin Degraw blared in my ears and I realized that I needed a Chariot to guide me, to give me strength. Whatever that Chariot is, I need to find it. I believe that the intended message of the song was for a "chariot" to take you away from reality for awhile. Not sure about this one, I will have to ask Gavin one day when I get to sit down and have a long deep conversation with him about life (yes, this is on my unrealistic bucket list).
In my mind, I need a "Chariot" to take me away from my delusions and denial and keep me grounded in reality where I can focus once again on my goal and exactly what I need to do to get there.
Whatever the intended meaning of the song, I need strength, I need something to guide me, something to make me want to spread my wings and fly. I guess I haven't found it yet, or perhaps I lost it somewhere along the way.
July 28th is my 1 year mark and I still have time to get there- where I want to be. I may have been lost somewhere along the way but I am back and ready to try this again.
Until then,
Oh Chariot, your golden waves
are walking down upon this face
to guide me
give me your...
STRENGTH
Delusions- a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact.
Denial- Disbelief in the existence of reality.
My life has always been a battle between reality and denial and the past few months found me relapsing into the fantasy world where I believe that I can lose weight without counting calories, without exercise and without blogging. In my silly state of denial I actually expected to step on that scale every morning and be greeted with a lower number. That place where I put on an outfit and think I look good and thin and then I see a picture of me and I look like a moose- wait, that isn't what I saw in the mirror, that isn't how I pictured myself in my head. yup BIG denial!
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
Well duh you don't get results living in this delusional state. And here I am faced with the summer, which means shorts, bathing suits (I just threw up a little in my mouth) and a general lack of clothing that cover all those bulges. So I have been reluctantly forced out of my few months reprieve.
Lately I have had a seething jealousy of skinny people. It is irrational and unfounded but it is where I want to be and where I know I can be, where I once was. I want to walk into any clothing store and find something cute on the rack and just put it on and feel good and look good. That is my motivation and sadly and I am not there YET.
So I dusted off my beloved running shoes and got back on the program. I am very happy to report that I ran almost half of my trek this morning and really shocked myself at how much I was able to run. I found myself smiling every time I ran, it was without thought and almost made me giddy inside. Why did I stop doing this? I kept asking myself.
While running, Chariot by Gavin Degraw blared in my ears and I realized that I needed a Chariot to guide me, to give me strength. Whatever that Chariot is, I need to find it. I believe that the intended message of the song was for a "chariot" to take you away from reality for awhile. Not sure about this one, I will have to ask Gavin one day when I get to sit down and have a long deep conversation with him about life (yes, this is on my unrealistic bucket list).
In my mind, I need a "Chariot" to take me away from my delusions and denial and keep me grounded in reality where I can focus once again on my goal and exactly what I need to do to get there.
Whatever the intended meaning of the song, I need strength, I need something to guide me, something to make me want to spread my wings and fly. I guess I haven't found it yet, or perhaps I lost it somewhere along the way.
July 28th is my 1 year mark and I still have time to get there- where I want to be. I may have been lost somewhere along the way but I am back and ready to try this again.
Until then,
Oh Chariot, your golden waves
are walking down upon this face
to guide me
give me your...
STRENGTH
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Resting On My Laurels
I have always loved idioms and any type of figurative language. I drive my daughter crazy with metaphors and idioms almost on a daily basis. She is very literal and often times does not understand the meanings behind my phrases. Sometimes I think I use them just to get on her nerves. Other times it is the only way I can make sense of the things around me.
I had a small success in the weight loss arena this week- I have now lost a total of 22.5! Several days of decent, but not great calorie counting, but only moderate exercising helped me reach this number. Now my mind LOVES to play tricks on me and that old devil inside me just waits patiently for this opportunity. So here is the thought process of said devil:
"Ahhh see you can lose weight without really putting too much effort into it. You don't really need to run everyday. You lost weight this week without logging in every calorie, you don't need to do that anymore. Oh take a break from all that hard work, you deserve it." Blah blah blah, you get the point.
I have not weighed in since that day I hit 22.5 pound and in that time I only ran once, pigged on pizza and other snacks and have basically thrown caution to the wind. In other word: I am resting on my laurels.
This phrase jumped into my head as I was driving back from UMBC at 8:30 this morning after dropping Anna and Megan off at an all day College event. I basically berated myself the whole way around 695 for allowing that devil to take over my thoughts and getting lazy about it all.
Resting on one's laurels: To be satisfied with one's past success and to consider further effort unnecessary.
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Yup that's what I've done. I reached a small success and thought- ok I don't have to try anymore right now. I hate when I do that. I get lazy, I get complacent. Then I get mad at myself- a vicious cycle really.
I am terrified to get back on that scale because I know that number will be up and I will have undone everything I did to get to that point. This is not the first time either, it is basically what I have been doing all along, which is why it has taken me 8 months to lose 22.5 pound.
I really should be running more than .5 miles at this point but I have been lazy about it. I allow myself 30 minutes of walking and push myself to run .5 but could really be doing more. Adding 5 more minutes each time. Adding another .2 to my running each time.
Doing the bare minimum with little effort- anyone who knows me knows that this is often how I operate with a lot of things. This is what makes this journey so difficult for me- this internal battle I struggle with all the time in many different areas of my life.
So what now? Well I haven't given up but I am to the point where this measly weight loss isn't working for me anymore.
I had a miserable experience Easter dress shopping. In my mind, I had lost 22 pounds and I was going to go to Chico's and find an adorable dress that looked stunning on my and I would bask in the glory of looking and feeling good. Well what really happened is that I quickly realized that I am no where near where I want my body to be. I had a very very patient sales lady that was throwing basically everything in the store at me and every time I stepped out of the dressing room, I was mortified at my body in the mirror. At one point, I hid in the dressing room frantically wiping tears as the sales lady was trying to hand me yet one more outfit to try.
I finally settled on a sweater, necklace and skirt that I felt somewhat ok in but not at all what I thought I would look like. Yes I had lost weight and yes I looked a whole heck of a lot better than I would have 6 months ago but the image I had in my mind of my body was not matching the outward view and my tears were tears of frustration and disappointment.
I think this is what prompted ole devil to rear it's ugly head which allowed me to rest on my laurels and not be spurned into action. You would think that I would have come home and thrust myself full force into running and counting calories- yeah not so much. Being on spring break didn't help either.
So here I sit, afraid to get on the scale and vacillating between wanting to rest on my laurels and getting back down to business. Spring clothes shopping is almost upon us and I can not go back into that dressing room without a clearer perspective on my body and a better feeling about it as well. That only leaves me with one choice- only one- Throw the damn laurels down the drain and get moving.
There is nothing like the feeling of getting on that scale and seeing a lower number and I will NEVER understand why that isn't motivation enough for me. Through sheer will and determination I will move that number this week. It will be a daily battle but one I am willing to make. I have to tell myself every minute of every day that It is worth it- that I am worth it. I want to reach 25 pounds so desperately and I can't allow that devil to win this one!
No more resting on my laurels, no more complacency, no more negative attitude. I will see that number on the scale and be renewed in this journey and exactly what it takes to get there!
Until then,
Bring it!
P.s Here is an interesting link to the origin of "resting on one's Laurels". Yeah this kind of stuff fascinates me, word nerd that I am! http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/rest-on-his-laurels.html
I had a small success in the weight loss arena this week- I have now lost a total of 22.5! Several days of decent, but not great calorie counting, but only moderate exercising helped me reach this number. Now my mind LOVES to play tricks on me and that old devil inside me just waits patiently for this opportunity. So here is the thought process of said devil:
"Ahhh see you can lose weight without really putting too much effort into it. You don't really need to run everyday. You lost weight this week without logging in every calorie, you don't need to do that anymore. Oh take a break from all that hard work, you deserve it." Blah blah blah, you get the point.
I have not weighed in since that day I hit 22.5 pound and in that time I only ran once, pigged on pizza and other snacks and have basically thrown caution to the wind. In other word: I am resting on my laurels.
This phrase jumped into my head as I was driving back from UMBC at 8:30 this morning after dropping Anna and Megan off at an all day College event. I basically berated myself the whole way around 695 for allowing that devil to take over my thoughts and getting lazy about it all.
Resting on one's laurels: To be satisfied with one's past success and to consider further effort unnecessary.
Yup that's what I've done. I reached a small success and thought- ok I don't have to try anymore right now. I hate when I do that. I get lazy, I get complacent. Then I get mad at myself- a vicious cycle really.
I am terrified to get back on that scale because I know that number will be up and I will have undone everything I did to get to that point. This is not the first time either, it is basically what I have been doing all along, which is why it has taken me 8 months to lose 22.5 pound.
I really should be running more than .5 miles at this point but I have been lazy about it. I allow myself 30 minutes of walking and push myself to run .5 but could really be doing more. Adding 5 more minutes each time. Adding another .2 to my running each time.
Doing the bare minimum with little effort- anyone who knows me knows that this is often how I operate with a lot of things. This is what makes this journey so difficult for me- this internal battle I struggle with all the time in many different areas of my life.
So what now? Well I haven't given up but I am to the point where this measly weight loss isn't working for me anymore.
I had a miserable experience Easter dress shopping. In my mind, I had lost 22 pounds and I was going to go to Chico's and find an adorable dress that looked stunning on my and I would bask in the glory of looking and feeling good. Well what really happened is that I quickly realized that I am no where near where I want my body to be. I had a very very patient sales lady that was throwing basically everything in the store at me and every time I stepped out of the dressing room, I was mortified at my body in the mirror. At one point, I hid in the dressing room frantically wiping tears as the sales lady was trying to hand me yet one more outfit to try.
I finally settled on a sweater, necklace and skirt that I felt somewhat ok in but not at all what I thought I would look like. Yes I had lost weight and yes I looked a whole heck of a lot better than I would have 6 months ago but the image I had in my mind of my body was not matching the outward view and my tears were tears of frustration and disappointment.
I think this is what prompted ole devil to rear it's ugly head which allowed me to rest on my laurels and not be spurned into action. You would think that I would have come home and thrust myself full force into running and counting calories- yeah not so much. Being on spring break didn't help either.
So here I sit, afraid to get on the scale and vacillating between wanting to rest on my laurels and getting back down to business. Spring clothes shopping is almost upon us and I can not go back into that dressing room without a clearer perspective on my body and a better feeling about it as well. That only leaves me with one choice- only one- Throw the damn laurels down the drain and get moving.
There is nothing like the feeling of getting on that scale and seeing a lower number and I will NEVER understand why that isn't motivation enough for me. Through sheer will and determination I will move that number this week. It will be a daily battle but one I am willing to make. I have to tell myself every minute of every day that It is worth it- that I am worth it. I want to reach 25 pounds so desperately and I can't allow that devil to win this one!
No more resting on my laurels, no more complacency, no more negative attitude. I will see that number on the scale and be renewed in this journey and exactly what it takes to get there!
Until then,
Bring it!
P.s Here is an interesting link to the origin of "resting on one's Laurels". Yeah this kind of stuff fascinates me, word nerd that I am! http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/rest-on-his-laurels.html
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Consistency
I am not consistent in keeping my house straight, lack it at work most days, can't keep myself on a schedule to save my life. This is probably why I can't be bothered with weighing and measuring foods, and only being able to eat certain things. Any fad diet is the death of me. If someone told me I could only eat these certain things or I had to avoid this and that, I would say forget it. It just doesn't work for me. I have to be able to go out and get a big pile of nachos at happy hour if I want. I have learned that if I do those things then I just have to make adjustments to whatever else I eat that day or add in another vigorous workout. Not much to that in my mind. But saying that I can't have something is pretty much the death of me.
Anyway, I digress.... So this week I learned the power of being consistent, as hard as it was for me.
I logged in 4 workouts this week, which is pretty good for me! On the treadmill, I even stepped up my workout a bit making sure to run a half mile each time. I was pretty darn proud of myself. The first one was hard and my legs were really sore but with each one, it got so much easier- see it's the power of being consistent!
This morning I got up and decided for a run outside because the weather was really nice! I didn't even have my usual "I don't really want to do this" banter as I headed out the door. I was actually looking forward to it! WHAT? did I just say that???
This time I pushed myself to run even more. My cheerleader, Shannon, has been encouraging me to do intervals, and even tho I have an app that keeps track of the interval time, I just haven't done it. Maybe it's an ADD thing, or yet another thing I have to keep track of. I don't know why but I just haven't. Today I decided to find what works for me and sort of make a game out of it. I walked to the top of the street and then said, "Ok now run until the end of this street." When I did that, I said, "Ok now walk to that mailbox." When I got to the mailbox I picked another location to run to. It worked out pretty well and I ran for longer portions of my trek. It felt really good and I didn't even feel any soreness in my legs.
I am so close to losing 30 pounds that I can taste it!! (and no it doesn't taste like a cheeseburger or vanilla milkshake. It tastes like nothing I have even tasted before and it is amazing). I am so determined to get these last 9 pounds off and will continue to be consistent in my workouts and counting calories until they are gone and my first goal is reached! Watch me!
Until then,
Look out!
Monday, March 18, 2013
Follow Through Follow up
Well it's been a little over a week since my last post and I am happy to say that I did really well with following through! If I said I was going to walk, I did. I even ran a bit too and worked my way up to running .5 on the treadmill tonight! I ran for a mile one time and then haven't been able to do it since. I would have gone farther tonight but I forgot my sports bra (enough said).
I also started a workout challenge with my friend, Deb this week.
A college friend of mine, Vicki Sorensen, developed a game- Fitness Challenge. Years ago she came out with the board game version and has now developed an app- here is a link to information about it- http://bit.ly/XlPUpL
So Deb and I have a 6 week challenge where we earn points for each day we exercise more 30 minutes or more. It has really helped me stay accountable, which we all know is key for me.
I am pretty proud of myself this week and feel like I have done really well, however, the scale has not been my friend. While I haven't gained, I have also not lost. I am on a new medication and I have a feeling that it is hindering my weight loss. I am not discouraged tho because I can feel the difference in my body so that is great! I try not to be a slave to the scale but I do have to weigh myself everyday or I will trick myself into believing I am doing better than I am- it's another accountability thing with me. I have learned the ups and downs of the scale and don't put too much "weight" on it- haaa punny!
I am keeping on keeping on and all that good stuff and I know it will come off eventually!
This week I am going to be better about logging in all of my calories on the My Fitness Pal app. I have not been consistent with it and my new goal is to log everything this week! So we will see how that goes :)
I really keep forgetting just how good I feel when I get off that treadmill- I really do feel great and I have to keep reminding myself that everyday when I go through the mental battle, which goes something like this: "I should walk tonight, but I don't want to. I guess I will, maybe later. Maybe I can just do it tomorrow. But I need to tonight. I know I really should. Ok in just a few more minutes. But I don't want to. But I need to." BLAH BLAH BLAH
It is all a mental battle- the food, the exercise, the daily struggle to stay on track. I am learning how best to combat it and so far I think I am winning... for now. Every week is different. I wonder what this week will hold?
Until then,
"I am trying with perfect faith" - GDG
I also started a workout challenge with my friend, Deb this week.
So Deb and I have a 6 week challenge where we earn points for each day we exercise more 30 minutes or more. It has really helped me stay accountable, which we all know is key for me.
I am pretty proud of myself this week and feel like I have done really well, however, the scale has not been my friend. While I haven't gained, I have also not lost. I am on a new medication and I have a feeling that it is hindering my weight loss. I am not discouraged tho because I can feel the difference in my body so that is great! I try not to be a slave to the scale but I do have to weigh myself everyday or I will trick myself into believing I am doing better than I am- it's another accountability thing with me. I have learned the ups and downs of the scale and don't put too much "weight" on it- haaa punny!
I am keeping on keeping on and all that good stuff and I know it will come off eventually!
This week I am going to be better about logging in all of my calories on the My Fitness Pal app. I have not been consistent with it and my new goal is to log everything this week! So we will see how that goes :)
I really keep forgetting just how good I feel when I get off that treadmill- I really do feel great and I have to keep reminding myself that everyday when I go through the mental battle, which goes something like this: "I should walk tonight, but I don't want to. I guess I will, maybe later. Maybe I can just do it tomorrow. But I need to tonight. I know I really should. Ok in just a few more minutes. But I don't want to. But I need to." BLAH BLAH BLAH
It is all a mental battle- the food, the exercise, the daily struggle to stay on track. I am learning how best to combat it and so far I think I am winning... for now. Every week is different. I wonder what this week will hold?
Until then,
"I am trying with perfect faith" - GDG
Friday, March 8, 2013
Follow Through
In the words of my favorite singer, "You'll have to follow through with every word you say." Now this is written in a love song but it also applies to my life right now. Having a bit of a hard time following through. There is a big disconnect between the things that I say and the things that I do. I know it, I feel it and I have to change it.
Just like the meaning behind Gavin's song, in every relationship you have to follow through with the things you say that you are going to do. It's not good enough to just say you are going to do something, you have to actually do them. My relationship with weight loss is no different. Every day I wake up and say, I am going to count every calorie today, I am going to run on the treadmill when I get home. Most days I am lucky to get close to thinking about maybe doing those things, I lack the follow through. It sounds so easy doesn't it? Well it's not, at least not for me who routinely gives myself an out for many many things. Laundry? Yup I can do that tomorrow. Wash those dishes in the sink? Well I sure don't care if they sit there until morning. I have perfected the art of NOT following through sadly. Probably the only area of my life that I am really good at following through is in a relationship and since I don't have that in my life right now, I have to learn how to apply that to all those other areas of my life starting now!
You see, I am going to see Gavin Degraw in concert again on July 11th in Virginia Beach and I have every incentive in the world to get another 15 or more pounds off by then! I am meeting up with some friends from across the east coast and it will be summer so I will want to buy a new outfit, and if I buy a new outfit, I will want to look good in that outfit. And please do not give this mouse a cookie :)
So it is time I get my shit together and start following through with every word I say!
According to my new countdown app, I have 124 days until July 11th- it's a good thing I walked on the treadmill tonight! I did manage to get in a little over a mile! So this week is going to be "follow through" week and if I say I am going to do it, then I will do it! I will report in next Friday and let you know how it went!
Until then,
"These reeling emotions they just keep me alive, they keep me in tune." -GDG
Just like the meaning behind Gavin's song, in every relationship you have to follow through with the things you say that you are going to do. It's not good enough to just say you are going to do something, you have to actually do them. My relationship with weight loss is no different. Every day I wake up and say, I am going to count every calorie today, I am going to run on the treadmill when I get home. Most days I am lucky to get close to thinking about maybe doing those things, I lack the follow through. It sounds so easy doesn't it? Well it's not, at least not for me who routinely gives myself an out for many many things. Laundry? Yup I can do that tomorrow. Wash those dishes in the sink? Well I sure don't care if they sit there until morning. I have perfected the art of NOT following through sadly. Probably the only area of my life that I am really good at following through is in a relationship and since I don't have that in my life right now, I have to learn how to apply that to all those other areas of my life starting now!
You see, I am going to see Gavin Degraw in concert again on July 11th in Virginia Beach and I have every incentive in the world to get another 15 or more pounds off by then! I am meeting up with some friends from across the east coast and it will be summer so I will want to buy a new outfit, and if I buy a new outfit, I will want to look good in that outfit. And please do not give this mouse a cookie :)
So it is time I get my shit together and start following through with every word I say!
According to my new countdown app, I have 124 days until July 11th- it's a good thing I walked on the treadmill tonight! I did manage to get in a little over a mile! So this week is going to be "follow through" week and if I say I am going to do it, then I will do it! I will report in next Friday and let you know how it went!
Until then,
"These reeling emotions they just keep me alive, they keep me in tune." -GDG
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Goals and Food
I have set a new short term goal- to lose 10 pounds by the color run (May 11th). Absolutely obtainable and once I hit that, I will be back at the weight I was 6 years ago when my life took a huge pitfall. I gained 30 pounds in those 6 years as I nursed a horribly broken heart back to life.
It was probably just a year ago that I started to feel like myself again, which I guess prompted this journey that I am on now.
I had never set goals for myself before in such a definitive way. My goals always seemed to be directed for me and this was maybe the first time in my life that I had taken charge of my own destiny and boy has it felt good.
So the next 10 pounds are going to be huge for me!
Unfortunately I have really struggled with keeping up with the running and counting calories. I blame this on 2 things....
1. My beloved robe and slippers.
2. The lack of fresh fruits and vegetable.
You see I come home from work everyday and can't wait to put on my comfies which makes it very hard to then put on running clothes and get moving. Yes yes I KNOW- put them on as soon as I get home, blah blah blah. By the time my rational brain catches up to my reality, my robe is on and zippered and darn if I can get it unzipped :) Why oh why can't I just run in bare feet and my robe?
I am also craving so many of the good summer foods and find planning for good low cal stuff, when there are so few options, a real drag.
Counting calories is a bitch too (pardon my language but it is). I am just not good at it anymore but everyday I try....... which is all I can ask of myself now- it is all part of the journey to the goal. As long as I keep that in my head everyday then I will be ok, but dang it is isn't easy.
My hopes is that when I can eat tomato sandwiches and make good fruit salads etc. that I will not have such a hard time.
So for now, it is a daily struggle but I keep plugging along toward my next goal- 10 pounds by May 11th and to run a mile of the 5K color run.
Until then,
Eating a banana
Monday, February 18, 2013
Do you have a plan?
I have never been much of a planner or schedule follower. I am more impulsive and unorganized. I know, I know, this isn't a great combination for a teacher but I always found that my best lessons were loosely planned with changes as I went. My mind just seems to work better that way. I am mildly ADD so this could also explain alot. This is also not the best way to manage your life, but I am trying to make it work, or at least make it look like it is working.
So when it comes to devising a training plan for this 5K I am at a loss. When I trained this fall it was with a trainer- the wonderfully awesome Alyssa, who also happens to be my Twilight Hunger Games loving friend and hallway bathroom break bestie at work. Alyssa and our group followed a plan that wasn't devised by me so all I had to do was follow it. It was simple- be here at such and such a time and do this. It worked for me.
Well there is no trainer, no group this time- it is on me. My cheerleader, Shannon has given me a plan for doing 30/30 intervals which I am going to start with. Alyssa has also PROMISED to give me a schedule! My friends sure know me!! The biggest problem will be accountability. When I knew I had to meet the group at Fort McHenry even on Sunday at the awful hour of 8:30am I got up and went. I was accountable to other people as well as myself.
I am a bit concerned that this time the accountability factor is going to be an issue for me. I am trying to keep a positive outlook on it but knowing myself too well, I will have a hard time.
I guess this is the next step in the transformation for me- the ability to hold myself accountable and not rely on other people to do it for me. It will be difficult for me but I am going to wrap my head around it and dig in. I know I can do it, I did it before and I know the results are more than worth it.
So today I will walk/run for 30 minutes. I will start out doing 30/30 intervals and see how I feel and perhaps run a bit more.
I am going to schedule my runs this week, which I haven't done for months. I will run today for 30 minutes, walk tomorrow for 20 minutes, run on Wednesday, take Thursday as a rest day, and and run one day over the weekend. Given my schedule this week there is no reason that I won't be able to do it. I also know that my cheerleader, Shannon, will check in with me and get my butt out of the chair if I am unmotivated (she scares me sometimes LOL just kidding Shannon!)
Ok my head is on straight, I have my plan, my mind is set.... now I just have to get my legs to cooperate with my brain!
Until then,
Still paying bills
So when it comes to devising a training plan for this 5K I am at a loss. When I trained this fall it was with a trainer- the wonderfully awesome Alyssa, who also happens to be my Twilight Hunger Games loving friend and hallway bathroom break bestie at work. Alyssa and our group followed a plan that wasn't devised by me so all I had to do was follow it. It was simple- be here at such and such a time and do this. It worked for me.
Well there is no trainer, no group this time- it is on me. My cheerleader, Shannon has given me a plan for doing 30/30 intervals which I am going to start with. Alyssa has also PROMISED to give me a schedule! My friends sure know me!! The biggest problem will be accountability. When I knew I had to meet the group at Fort McHenry even on Sunday at the awful hour of 8:30am I got up and went. I was accountable to other people as well as myself.
I am a bit concerned that this time the accountability factor is going to be an issue for me. I am trying to keep a positive outlook on it but knowing myself too well, I will have a hard time.
I guess this is the next step in the transformation for me- the ability to hold myself accountable and not rely on other people to do it for me. It will be difficult for me but I am going to wrap my head around it and dig in. I know I can do it, I did it before and I know the results are more than worth it.
So today I will walk/run for 30 minutes. I will start out doing 30/30 intervals and see how I feel and perhaps run a bit more.
I am going to schedule my runs this week, which I haven't done for months. I will run today for 30 minutes, walk tomorrow for 20 minutes, run on Wednesday, take Thursday as a rest day, and and run one day over the weekend. Given my schedule this week there is no reason that I won't be able to do it. I also know that my cheerleader, Shannon, will check in with me and get my butt out of the chair if I am unmotivated (she scares me sometimes LOL just kidding Shannon!)
Ok my head is on straight, I have my plan, my mind is set.... now I just have to get my legs to cooperate with my brain!
Until then,
Still paying bills
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Promises
I promise this post is not about Gavin Degraw!
Ok now on to other things.... I hate making promises.. especially to my daughters and most definitely not to myself. I have learned far too many times that promises are very hard to keep and very easy to break. Therefore, I do not make them often... and if I do, stand back because it has to be a sure deal. One of those is when I promise a friend I will not tell anyone something they have asked not be shared. I got the backend of that deal in college and have vowed to never do that to anyone.
So I am not going to make any promises I know I may not be able to keep. Throughout this journey I have not made any promises to myself, other than the fact that I would continue forward on this journey- however slow and long going it is. This is different in my mind to making a goal- a goal is something you strive to achieve, a grasping point. In my mind, if I am still on the path to my goal then I am just fine, it gives a barometer to measure myself and keep me accountable.
I have stumbled along this journey many times and will continue to do so, but this PROMISE I have given myself- I will not jump off for good. It may take me a long time to get there, there will be slow times and times that I want to give up, but I won't. This is the best promise I can give myself, because I know I will keep it.
So I have signed up for the Baltimore Color Run in May. It will be my third 5K and I am setting a goal to run 1 mile of it and walk the rest. I am going to start training for in earnest this week. I am happy again to be preparing for something, having a place to hold me accountable at the end. I am even anticipating it more because there is a large group from work that are also going to do it and I couldn't be happier to have this experience with my co-workers. The job may be stressful at times but I do love the people I work with.
So I will start posting about my preparations for the Color Run but I can't promise that....oh wait I can't say because I already promised not to say....nevermind.
Until then,
I Got Nothin' - Darius Rucker
Ok so while searching images for "promises" I came across this.... I think I just found my wedding band (for whenever and to whomever I get married again).
Ok now on to other things.... I hate making promises.. especially to my daughters and most definitely not to myself. I have learned far too many times that promises are very hard to keep and very easy to break. Therefore, I do not make them often... and if I do, stand back because it has to be a sure deal. One of those is when I promise a friend I will not tell anyone something they have asked not be shared. I got the backend of that deal in college and have vowed to never do that to anyone.
So I am not going to make any promises I know I may not be able to keep. Throughout this journey I have not made any promises to myself, other than the fact that I would continue forward on this journey- however slow and long going it is. This is different in my mind to making a goal- a goal is something you strive to achieve, a grasping point. In my mind, if I am still on the path to my goal then I am just fine, it gives a barometer to measure myself and keep me accountable.
I have stumbled along this journey many times and will continue to do so, but this PROMISE I have given myself- I will not jump off for good. It may take me a long time to get there, there will be slow times and times that I want to give up, but I won't. This is the best promise I can give myself, because I know I will keep it.
So I have signed up for the Baltimore Color Run in May. It will be my third 5K and I am setting a goal to run 1 mile of it and walk the rest. I am going to start training for in earnest this week. I am happy again to be preparing for something, having a place to hold me accountable at the end. I am even anticipating it more because there is a large group from work that are also going to do it and I couldn't be happier to have this experience with my co-workers. The job may be stressful at times but I do love the people I work with.
So I will start posting about my preparations for the Color Run but I can't promise that....oh wait I can't say because I already promised not to say....nevermind.
Until then,
I Got Nothin' - Darius Rucker
Ok so while searching images for "promises" I came across this.... I think I just found my wedding band (for whenever and to whomever I get married again).
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Where Do You Find Your Inspiration?
If you are reading this post expecting my usual quip about running and weight loss you may be disappointed. If you have followed this blog, then you know that I can be vulnerable and emotional at times, expect just that from this post. If you want to close out and wait for the next, more rational post, then I am ok with that! I have done some pretty weird things in my life, some I just laugh at and others are cringe worthy, but this one might just take the cake in terms of weirdness for me.
You see the past month my life has been consumed by one thing- Gavin Degraw and his music. I am undecided if this is 1. a midlife crisis 2. normal fan behavior or 3. yet another example of me losing my mind.
One day in January I innocently came across a video on Youtube of Gavin. I can't even remember what song it was but I was instantly hooked by his voice, his songs and his charm.
I have had his song, Not Over You, on my playlist for years and it has always been one of my absolute favorites, but I never paid attention to who sang it (sorry Gavin). Well I am sure paying attention now!! His songs are soulful, emotional and his voice is pure raw genius. His lyrics are heart-wrenchingly emotional- just my kind of songs!
As the fates would have it, I got the opportunity to see Gavin in concert and to meet him on February 9, 2013 and it was a true highlight of my life. I have had very few opportunities for complete joy in my life (other than the joy my daughters, family and friends give me) so this was an all consuming feeling for me.
If you have never had the opportunity to watch some of his videos or seen him live, I highly recommend it- especially if you are as lucky as I was to be front row, right on the stage! I can't wait to see him again but unless I am upfront and get to chat with him again, it just won't be the same.
Now I did not go to the concert anticipating meeting him, this would have been beyond my wildest dreams and I couldn't let myself even entertain the possibility After the concert ended, before I knew it, he was standing in front of me, shaking Anna's hand and asking her name. I was blown away by the attention that he gave to each person he met, looking them right in the eyes and making them feel so special for that brief moment. He was beyond humble and of course as cute as a button, as usual.
Ok before I get too sappy here, let me digress. I am trying to learn a few things about myself from this unexpected gift. Here are some things I have discovered:
1. I have been lacking excitement in my life lately.
2. Music is a big part of my life.
3. I have a deep appreciation for emotionally creative people.
4. I find joy in the most unexpected ways.
So now let me see if I can connect any of this to my weight loss journey....hmmm why yes, I think I can!
As you know from previous posts, I have sorta lost my mojo during the holidays and running/weight loss have been difficult and slow. I am still losing- hit 21 pounds this week- yeah me! but since October I have, at best, maintained my weight loss. I think I just became bored with my life in many areas.
Well meeting your favorite celebrity and seeing yourself in pictures associated with said celebrity do something to you. I wanted to look my best, I wanted to feel my best and as a result I am now, more than ever, ready to lose more weight and get back into running. I am looking forward to running a spring 5K with Gavin in me ears the whole way! So Gavin, I thank you for that inspiration!
This journey has helped me connect with myself on a level I never thought possible. Last night another Gavin fan posted this on twitter and it resonated with me- "Meditation practice isn't about trying 2 throw ourselves away and become something better, it’s about befriending who we are." Pema Chodron
Thank you Nicole for this quote! For while I have changed so much during the past 7 months, most importantly I have become my own best friend. I have found out some things about myself that I like and some things that I don't, and I embrace both. I have also come to the realization that while I may be a middle aged women obsessing about a musician 9 years my junior, I am perfectly fine with that. It may not be for everyone, but it is working for me, bringing me unexpected happiness that I think I was lacking in my life.
I am not expecting anyone to understand it, you can call me crazy if you want(won't be the first time) but his voice and songs have brought me a peace and calm and I am ok with that.
I know now that it is important for me to channel this into other areas of my life. I have not read any books, listened to any other music or written in the past month and I do miss those things about my life that I always loved, so I must try to find balance between these things. This is the next part of this journey. Gavin will still be a big part of it, and hopefully new inspiration for my writing and exercise!
Some people find inspiration in a book, others find it in an athlete or mentor. I have found it in song and in one voice in particular.
So all in all, I thank you Gavin Degraw for your songs, for your voice, for your adorableness and for helping me to learn more about myself than I ever thought possible. After all, isn't life all about finding your own happiness?
This week I am taking all of this joy and channeling it into other areas of my life that need a bit more of it- like my treadmill- I will pour out my joy on that darn thing, with Gavin in my ears of course!
Until then,
"I am trying with Perfect Faith"
-Gavin Degraw
One day in January I innocently came across a video on Youtube of Gavin. I can't even remember what song it was but I was instantly hooked by his voice, his songs and his charm.
I have had his song, Not Over You, on my playlist for years and it has always been one of my absolute favorites, but I never paid attention to who sang it (sorry Gavin). Well I am sure paying attention now!! His songs are soulful, emotional and his voice is pure raw genius. His lyrics are heart-wrenchingly emotional- just my kind of songs!
As the fates would have it, I got the opportunity to see Gavin in concert and to meet him on February 9, 2013 and it was a true highlight of my life. I have had very few opportunities for complete joy in my life (other than the joy my daughters, family and friends give me) so this was an all consuming feeling for me.
Now I did not go to the concert anticipating meeting him, this would have been beyond my wildest dreams and I couldn't let myself even entertain the possibility After the concert ended, before I knew it, he was standing in front of me, shaking Anna's hand and asking her name. I was blown away by the attention that he gave to each person he met, looking them right in the eyes and making them feel so special for that brief moment. He was beyond humble and of course as cute as a button, as usual.
 |
| I do not like it of me at all...but he is perfect! |
Ok before I get too sappy here, let me digress. I am trying to learn a few things about myself from this unexpected gift. Here are some things I have discovered:
1. I have been lacking excitement in my life lately.
2. Music is a big part of my life.
3. I have a deep appreciation for emotionally creative people.
4. I find joy in the most unexpected ways.
So now let me see if I can connect any of this to my weight loss journey....hmmm why yes, I think I can!
As you know from previous posts, I have sorta lost my mojo during the holidays and running/weight loss have been difficult and slow. I am still losing- hit 21 pounds this week- yeah me! but since October I have, at best, maintained my weight loss. I think I just became bored with my life in many areas.
Well meeting your favorite celebrity and seeing yourself in pictures associated with said celebrity do something to you. I wanted to look my best, I wanted to feel my best and as a result I am now, more than ever, ready to lose more weight and get back into running. I am looking forward to running a spring 5K with Gavin in me ears the whole way! So Gavin, I thank you for that inspiration!
This journey has helped me connect with myself on a level I never thought possible. Last night another Gavin fan posted this on twitter and it resonated with me- "Meditation practice isn't about trying 2 throw ourselves away and become something better, it’s about befriending who we are." Pema Chodron
Thank you Nicole for this quote! For while I have changed so much during the past 7 months, most importantly I have become my own best friend. I have found out some things about myself that I like and some things that I don't, and I embrace both. I have also come to the realization that while I may be a middle aged women obsessing about a musician 9 years my junior, I am perfectly fine with that. It may not be for everyone, but it is working for me, bringing me unexpected happiness that I think I was lacking in my life.
I am not expecting anyone to understand it, you can call me crazy if you want(won't be the first time) but his voice and songs have brought me a peace and calm and I am ok with that.
I know now that it is important for me to channel this into other areas of my life. I have not read any books, listened to any other music or written in the past month and I do miss those things about my life that I always loved, so I must try to find balance between these things. This is the next part of this journey. Gavin will still be a big part of it, and hopefully new inspiration for my writing and exercise!
Some people find inspiration in a book, others find it in an athlete or mentor. I have found it in song and in one voice in particular.
So all in all, I thank you Gavin Degraw for your songs, for your voice, for your adorableness and for helping me to learn more about myself than I ever thought possible. After all, isn't life all about finding your own happiness?
This week I am taking all of this joy and channeling it into other areas of my life that need a bit more of it- like my treadmill- I will pour out my joy on that darn thing, with Gavin in my ears of course!
Until then,
"I am trying with Perfect Faith"
-Gavin Degraw
Monday, January 28, 2013
Feet Don't Fail Me Now!
I found my motivation tonight! It had been hiding from me since before Thanksgiving. I didn't find it in the fruit and veggies aisle, I looked for it on the scale, couldn't find it in the new jeans store. I have looked everywhere for it and tonight I found it, in all places- on the treadmill!
I haven't walked/ran in weeks. The past 3 weeks I have been completely preoccupied with obsessing over my new celebrity crush- Gavin Degraw. You see this is what happens when you are single and 45 and haven't dated in 5 years. Every night I come home, put on my robe and slippers and watch videos or listen to music. Hey it's what makes me happy. I have been hoping for 7 months that I would find this type of obsession with running but so far it's a no go.
Since I am going to see Gavin in concert in 2 weeks, I feel a little more motivated to lose some more weight- that and I went shopping for pants tonight and didn't like what I saw. So I knew what I had to do- get back on the treadmill.
So I put my earbuds in, picked my favorite GDG videos and turned the thing on (My shoes were eyeing me suspiciously as I was lacing them up but I assured them I still loved them). Now I have no idea what got in to me, but I just started running, wasn't even looking at the monitors and stressing over every minute that clicked by. I was just running- with GDG in my ears. Before I knew it I had run a half mile. I wish you could have seen the smile on my face, I think I was even giggling.
Grace came in the room and said, "Mom, run like a creeper is chasing you!" This was all I needed to keep me going. Then I whispered to myself very softly, "go for the mile." and that is just what I did.
I watched my videos, glanced at the odometer every now and again and before I knew it I was at .889 and I knew I would make it.
By the time it clicked over to 1.000 I was laughing and smiling so much remembering just how painful it was to walk a mile back in July.
I walked for a few more minutes, while "Not Over You" finished playing and was literally in tears by the time I stepped off the treadmill(not from the song either this time).
If I ever needed the motivation to get back on track, it is now and I can firmly say that I am now there! I can't wait to run again tomorrow- WHAT? WHAT? What did I just say? Oh boy- look out!!
So Gavin Degraw I thank you for coming along for the run, it made all the difference in the world. See, not all celebrity obsessions are unproductive and silly. HAAAA
I think I have also found what works for me- I have detailed a few things on the blog that I have tried- new crock pot recipes- FAIL and A new points program with coworkers- FAIL! I decided that keeping the points was too much for me and while I am doing the things I am supposed to be doing, I didn't like the idea of tracking points and turning them in for a competition. I am not competitive at all and this just didn't sit well with me for reasons I can't really explain. As for the recipes- all that planning ,shopping etc. and we didn't really like them all that much.
So I have determined that for me it is all about the mindset and surprising myself instead of planning and organizing. Knowing this about myself will make a huge difference in how I approach the rest of this journey I think.
So yeah me!!! Now to keep this smile going and get onto the next 20 pound loss!
Until then,
Turning up Gavin
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