Friday, October 18, 2013

"You're back" Tales of a hiatus

Well it's been almost 3 months since my last post.  You could say I have been on a hiatus, a break or a bender perhaps?  Sometimes I feel like a drug addict that fell off the wagon.  Food has always been my drug of choice and I am a very obsessive person (my closest friends will get a kick out of that line ;)

So let me detail what has been going on in my life in the past 3 months.

Not long after my last post (July 28th- which coincidentally was exactly 1 year after I started this journey and this blog) I published a book- August 11th to be exact.  The whole process of publishing this book was foreign, exhilarating, nerve-wracking, scary and thrilling at the same time.  I was completely consumed with thoughts like, "What have I done?" or "Holy crap!!!" The emotions surrounding this book release were some I had never felt before in my life and it was all consuming.  I am not surprised that I completely let go of everything else in my life.  This was something I was completely ill-equipped to deal with but at the same time felt like it was exactly what I was meant to do with my life- a complete dichotomy.  

Just a few weeks after I published the book I went back to work after the summer "hiatus".  The struggles of getting back into the routine of work and getting the girls back into school threw me for a loop.  Grace started middle school which has been a struggle for both of us as well.  Work has been very different this year and it was hard for me to get back into the swing of it when really all I wanted to be doing was writing my next book and promoting the one I had just published.

So is anyone surprised why I fell off the exercise wagon and put a few pounds back on?  Well I am not at all.  I have struggled all year to find a love for it and it just wasn't there, as hard as I tried or wanted it to be.  The bottom line is- I hate it!!  I hated counting every calorie and worrying about everything I put in my mouth and the daily stress of "OMG I have to walk today."  I hated every second of it so it was all too easy to just "let it go" and focus on all the other things in my life that I didn't have an option about- work, raising children, publishing, cleaning etc.

The problem is.... I am not happy with the aftermath of quitting my journey to get healthy.  I have gained some weight (Not as much as I would have thought), I am feeling unhealthy and my overall psyche is effected.  I hate being the "fat girl" and it has reached the point where I hate that more than I hate exercising and focusing on my food.  But WOW even writing that I am starting to stress about all that goes into jumping back into this journey.  The food preparation, the daily struggle to exercise, the thought processes needed to succeed- all send that feeling of "breaking out in hives" up my back.

So here I sit on the cusp of change again and I am at a loss as to what I really want.  Well I know what I really want- I want to be fat and happy - but for me that is my own personal oxymoron (contradictory terms that are put together).  It's not possible for ME to have both.  I want to be the skinny girl, the one that doesn't have to worry about how I look in clothes, the one that "gets the guy", the one that everyone looks at and says, "wow she looks good." I'm not sure if that is even in the cards for me but those thoughts become all consuming for me.  The struggle might actually be because for half of my life I WAS that girl and I don't know what happened to her. 

And here I sit wondering what do I need to get that back- well I know exactly what it takes to get that- EXACTLY!!!  I know it with every fiber of my being what it takes and I HATE IT!!

You can talk the talk
or you can walk the walk.
            -Gavin Degraw

Again I liken it to a drug addict facing sobriety- this has to be what it feels like. Am I willing to do what I need to do to get what I want most?  The answer is really simple- I don't know. and that right there scares me more than anything.  

Take those boots off the shelf
Wipe that dust off yourself
                     -Gavin Degraw

Am I ready to lace up my running shoes again? Do I have a choice?

Losing, well, it sometimes burns, but you keep moving on
You've got to push on like you're leading a nation
Got to make the best out of this situation
Get your hands up like it's a celebration
and you keep moving on
                     -Gavin Degraw

Am I ready for my "hiatus" to end?  Not sure I have a choice, I have to make a change because what I have been doing hasn't been working for me.  I have to find a way to add exercise and calorie counting back into my hectic, stressful life and maybe this time I will find a way to love it?  Hey one can hope right?

Until then,
"Even if you've been through hell.... you're back."
                        -Gavin Degraw

****This post brought to you be the song "Everything Will Change" from Gavin's new album Make a Move.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

365 Days- Gains and Losses

Well it has been 365 days since I started this journey.  365 days since I said I was no longer going to be a couch potato and was going to take back my life and make some positive changes.  I can remember sitting down to write my first blog post.  At that time I could barely walk 1/2 mile at a pretty decent speed. I remember the tears of fear and embarrassment when I would meet with my training group and struggle to just keep walking.  I remember the hopes and dreams of being more comfortable in my body by the next summer.

So here I sit, halfway through "the next summer".  In reflecting on the past year I am not going to detail every pound I lost.  I didn't lose as much weight as I wanted to by this time but I have lost so much more!
Here is a list of all the "non-weight" things I have lost this year:

I have lost:
1. My negative thinking in general
2. My negative perception of myself
3. The inability to walk 3+ miles
4. The perception that running is something I can't do
5. My thoughts that I can't do this

Losing all the negativity in my life surrounding my body and my weight, I have also gained so much more!

I have gained:
1. The knowledge that any goal is challenging but worth pursuing.
2. Learning that things may not happen in the way that you want them to but that doesn't mean you quit.
3. Embracing that life is full of challenges and surprises- both equally as exciting and important.
4. Finding out that we don't always get what we want out of life but we get what we work for, even if the results are not what we originally intended.
5. Life is hard, but doing nothing is harder.
6. Life is worth every step of the journey - even the struggles teach us things about ourselves we never would have known otherwise.

And so many other positive things, I could list forever.

I could sit here and spew negativity about his past year and how I didn't lose the 30 or 50 pounds I had thought I would lose.  I could drone on and on about how I am still not happy with my body and disappointed that I still can't look in a mirror without cringing.  I could be negative and sad and angry and all those other negative emotions that are so easy to grasp on to.  There is a part of my brain that is just begging to be let out and fester on this page. But probably the most important thing I have gained (learned) this year is that stinking thinking will get me no where.  It is the devil's work and will only serve to put me right back where I was in the years prior to taking this leap.  It would be easy for me to get on my negative high horse and knock down everything I have built up this year but you know what?  I don't want to, have no desire to go there. It isn't a place that my mind lives anymore.  That negative place of thinking is where I lived for many many years and is exactly why I am in the state that I was in the first place.  It got me nowhere.  

So instead I think about the positive things that this year has brought me.  Yes this year did not bring me the weight loss that I had hoped but it has brought me so much more than I could have ever hoped for!  This blog has detailed so many of them already and there are so many more to come!

On August 15th I hope to announce so very exciting news!  Something I have worked on for a very long time.  Something that made me stretch and grow more than I ever thought possible, even more than this journey did.  It has to stay a secret for now but I can't wait to announce it to everyone and see where this next journey will take me!!  

I will continue to blog, I will continue the daily struggle of staying active and healthy and I WILL lose more weight and feel better about myself!  This was never a journey I was only on for a year but I am on it for a lifetime.  If it takes me another year to lose the weight I had hoped then so be it.  Despite the fact that I haven't lost what I had hoped, I am happier and healthier than I have been in a very very long time.  The struggles, the tears, the joys, the friendships, the music, the laughter, the heartache, the bitterness, the love..... it is all part of life and it should all be celebrated as part of our story, our journey!

So this isn't goodbye for now, but it is the beginning of a change in another direction!  After August 15th I will be starting a new blog- one that will detail the "other" journey I have been on simultaneously with this one.  I can't wait to tell you all about it!  I will continue to blog about my "getting healthy" journey here as well!

Until then,
Embracing the journey

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Be Careful What You Wish For

Summer is officially half over- OH MY that hurt to type!! Going in to this summer I had a few things I wanted to accomplish and well folks, I have not accomplished any of them.  Well I am keeping consistent at least.  

Change is very hard for me.  I get stuck in ruts so often you would think I was a truck tire living permanently in the mud.  Is it a comfortable place for me?  I have been trying to figure out why I let myself get stuck so often.  Fear of moving forward? Scared of actually getting what I want? Or maybe it is just that I am lazy? I still haven't figured it out.

So here was my original list:
1. Clean out my dining room (currently floor to ceiling storage and a big source of anxiety)
2. Recaulk my bathroom (I don't do these type of household chores)
3. Paint my bedroom (hasn't been painted in 18 years)
4. Lose 10 pounds
5. Read, read, read

So that was it- didn't seem too difficult- what was I thinking??? This now seems like I might have bitten off more than my lazy self can chew.  I should know by now NOT to set myself up for failure this way, but as I am finding- this is what I do alot!! I set my goals too high to ever reach them so I make it easy to back out.  Classic Kristin move!

So what am I to do now?  Every morning I wake up and say, "I am going to run today." or "Today is the day I get in the dining room and start cleaning it." or even, "Today I will download a new book and begin reading."  Well you see these things never happen.  I have spent way too much time analyzing my lack of motivation and why I spend all day in an anxious, paralyzed state of non-productiveness (is that a word?)

So with 4 more weeks until I have to go back to work, I better get started on something!!  I think I need to rework my list to include only 1 thing at a time. So I need to decide where to start.  I think I will spend all day today pondering that question.  Ok ,Ok, I know, I know, I can't do that.  Pick one and start- sounds easy?  Well here are my thoughts on that:
1. If I start cleaning the dining room today it will take all day and then nothing else will get done, it will probably take several days and the thought of spending several days in a heightened state of anxiety is not appealing.
2. In order to recaulk my bathroom I must first learn how to do it.  Then I have to go get the supplies I need and the thought of wondering around Lowes wondering just what the heck I am doing is so unappealing.
3.PAINT???  Are you kidding me?  I HATE to paint!!!
4. Well everyday is a struggle to lose weight- EVERYDAY I think about what I am putting in my mouth and the fact that I haven't gone running in weeks.  And then there is the awful chunk I took out of my heel this week that is preventing me from putting on my running shoes.
5. I want to start a new book but can't justify spending my non-existent money on a new download and I am too lazy to look into the library app.

And the list just keeps going on and on- in essence- I continue to be my own worst enemy and I constantly get in my own way!

Ok Kristin, enough words- let's put something into action today!

So here is what I am going to do (like it or not)- I am going to lace up my running shoes (with extra band-aids on my heel) and go for a walk on the treadmill in the air conditioning, watching a livestream video of Gavin Degraw that is hilarious!!!  Then I am going to get in the dining room for 30 minutes (I will set an alarm) and whatever I get done will be good enough for today!

I think I need to stop there so I, once again, don't set myself up for failure! After all, there are many other things I need to get done today like laundry and dishes.

July 29th is one year since I started this journey.  I am 12 pounds away from my original goal for the year.  I WILL get those 12 pounds off and then keep moving forward to lose more.  I have learned that it's not the time it takes but the journey that matters!

So there you have it- a little peek into the anxiety ridden mind of me!  Fun place to be wouldn't ya say?  It is who I am and I have to work with it, not against it!  Learn from it and continue to move forward! I work best under pressure and know that something will get accomplished before I am thrust back into the teaching world. 

Until then,
"Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it"

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Reflections on my "Best I Ever Had" day!

Every once in a while life offers us an incredible experience thrown in the mix of the utterly ordinary.  Sometimes we get so caught up in life and we miss them or don't fully grasp their significance.

(This blog is about my journey to get healthy but every once in awhile I need to throw in some personal reflection of another nature.  This is one of those times....)

If you know me, then you know at least 3 things about me- 1- I am shy, overly emotional, and sappy.  2- if you come to my house, 9 times out of 10, it will be a mess and 3- I am a big fan of Gavin Degraw's music. There are many many other things that define me but these 3 stand out.   I have never made any apologies for who I am as a person so I will also not make any apologies for this over-emotional sappy blog post about Gavin.

I have always thought my life pretty ordinary and boring, but in a good way.  The past year I have sought to make some positive changes in my life and  it has not always been easy or as fast as I thought it would be and I have often been discouraged.  However when I look back on the last 12 months I am amazed at all that has actually changed.  6 months ago I didn't know who Gavin Degraw was.  I also didn't know some of the people that have come into my life as a result of his music.  Most importantly I didn't know that his music would have such a profound impact on me as a person.

Around March Gavin's summer tour was announced and immediately I bought tickets with 2 friends I had met on twitter, Vickie and Nicole.  I had met Vickie at my first Gavin concert in Williamsburg in February. To have met friends from social media was an entirely new phenomenon to me.  I marvel at the significance of this now in my life!  For months we would chat frequently about our anticipation for the concert, along with 2 other friends, also from twitter.  Not many of my other friends really understood the level of excitement I had for that day, but these girls did.  To have friends who just "get it" was pretty cool! To develop a deep friendship with these 4 women is one of my favorite new blessings in my life.

So the week of the concert was here.  I was driving to Richmond to stay at Vickie's house and meet Nicole for the first time.  I felt like I knew these ladies so well already and wasn't all that nervous about doing something a bit bizarre. I am still in awe of the power of social media sometimes! So sitting in Vickie's kitchen Wednesday night I felt like I was with 2 old dear friends who had been a part of my life for a long time.  Pretty amazing!

 I didn't sleep much Wednesday night because the nerves were starting to build.  We found out from one of our other fan friends that we were going to see him at a private show at a radio station (there are a few details I am omitting here to get right to the point).  I had no idea how to process the fact that I was going to meet him again!! (I met him for the first time after the Williamsburg concert).  I will also be forever grateful to Tina who worked her magic to make it all happen!

Driving to the radio station I was a quiet bundle of nervous energy.  I cannot properly describe to you the feelings I was having about meeting the person who sings the songs that carry me through each day.  The anticipation was both thrilling and nerve wrecking. For awhile we weren't sure we were going to be able to get in, but when I found out that it was definitely happening I started to feel very calm.  It was so important to me to just be in the moment.

Gavin sang 2 songs and we were so fortunate to be front and center! He is a born performer- his wit, his charm and his voice making every bit of it unforgettable.  I wanted to video tape it so that I could relive it often, but also felt a bit odd doing so.  I was able to capture one full song and half of the other.  I still can't watch the video I took of "Not Over You" without tearing up.

After his songs I joined a long line to meet him- and here comes my favorite part!  Gavin took time with each person in that room.  He looks you right in the eye, shakes your hand and makes you feel like you are the most important person for that brief moment! (next time I am getting a hug ;)
All too often, celebrities use their status to put themselves above everyone else.  The fact that Gavin doesn't do this is one of my very favorite things about him as a person.  It felt like he was just one of us, hanging out and that is beyond cool in my book.

So I had my minute with him- I believe that he remembered me from the Williamsburg concert- or the numerous times I tweet him (ooopsie).  He said, "Nice to see you again."  WHAT?  He meets hundreds of people and yet he recognized my face?  Pretty damn amazing Degraw!! I sat and watched him greet the other 30 or so people (I know kinda creepy but whatever) and each and every person was made to feel incredibly special for their brief moment.  *side note- When he said "Come here, hold me" for the picture, I may or may not have swooned just a little- but don't tell anyone*

When we left the station I was in complete awe of what had just happened and how very fortunate I was and I still had the concert to look forward too! The three of us got to the venue early and were so thankful that we had upgraded to covered seats from lawn seats as it was pouring down rain!  We were the only people in our whole section when we got there.  The venue started filling up and the concert began.    We stood for most of his songs (probably to the displeasure of those behind us) but we could not sit!  Clapping, dancing and singing along, I was blissfully happy!  When it was over my first thought was when can I do this again?  We are seeing him again August 31st but that felt like too far away. Luckily I have some videos to be able to relive the day. (links posted below)

Never in a million years would I have thought that music would bring so much into my life.  Happiness, joy, raw emotion, friendships, memorable experiences- all because of music.  How cool is that?  I know other people experience this same thrill from sports or hobbies but I have found mine through song :)

All in all the past few days will go down in my life as some of the most meaningful and memorable. Thanks Music Man!!!

Gavin, if you ever read this, thank you for being you- for sharing a piece of yourself with people through your humble lyrics and your beautiful voice.  You are a regular guy just doing what you are passionate about and sharing it with others- that, my friend, is pretty rare and awesome.  You have a lifelong fan in Maryland!

As I go about my life, getting back to my normal routine, I catch myself reliving those moments with a smile.  I have to remind myself that sometimes in life great things do happen.  They may not be the things we want to happen or hope to happen but sometimes, many times, they are far better because they are unexpected, special and rare!  When I think about the things that I want to happen in my life- like losing weight, or being able to pay my bills, for example, I will stop and remember the gift I had that came along in a different package than I was expecting. (See I told you I was overly sappy sometimes)

With a renewed vigor I will now get back to work on myself and wait for the next incredible, unexpected, special moment.  Good things DO come to those who wait!  July 26th is one year from when I started this journey and I still have much to accomplish before then!  So excited about all the good things this next year will bring!  It's time for me to "Make a Move" (also the title of Gavin's album due out in September :0)

Until then,
Remembering my "Best I Ever Had" day (Gavin's new single, Best I Ever Had, is amazing BTW)

Not Over You- 94.9 The Point-
The end of Best I Ever Had- 94.9-
Make a Move- Virginia Farm Bureau Live-
Who's Gonna Save us Tonight (credit to Tina)-
Best I Ever Had- Virginia Farm Bureau Live-

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

A Self-Loathing Pity Party of One (no comments required)


  1. Having been beaten in a battle or other contest: "the defeated army".
  2. Demoralized and overcome by adversity

So it has all come to this. 11 months of this journey and here I sit utterly defeated.  Nowhere near where I wanted to be. Caught up in a battle of self sabotage so deep that I have been beaten (see definition of defeated).
In 11 months I lost 22 pounds, gained back 6 and now sit at a loss of 16 pounds.  But most importantly I have lost so much more than that- I have lost my motivation, my drive and my determination.  I am not really sure what happened other than I got lazy.  I got lazy because it is hard, it is everyday and it is not fun.  I pretended for a very long time that I liked it- fake it til you make it - if you will.
But the reality is that it sucks.  I work so hard counting every calorie, exercising and worrying about everything that I eat and what do I get for it?  Tight pants and horrible pictures that make me ill to look at.

Ok wait, I have to stop because I don't want you to think that I am looking for a pity party or some great big inspirational speech- that is not what I am going for here at all!!! SO please do not give me any of that.  I am not the type of person that oozes crappy details of my life looking for attention.  I also am not looking for quotes of inspiration and "You can do it" jargon- I have enough of those filed away in my computer to read for the rest of my life.  In short, I am not looking for anything from anyone else but myself. 

 I write this to document my struggles, to detail my journey, nothing more.  I still look at this as a journey.  Nowhere in the above paragraphs have I said that I give up.  But does being defeated mean given up?

  Yes I have been beaten down, I have been demoralized and overcome with adversity.  I freely admit that and embrace it because here I sit in my oversized comfy pants after feasting on a dinner of cookies and chips and have no one to blame but myself.  

I have wracked my brain for reasons as to why I shoveled in the second piece of pizza last night knowing full well that I had not eaten well all day.  I see pictures of myself and can't believe it is me and wonder what happened to my drive to look better by now.  I put my pants on and am so confused as to why they are tight. And each time I say, I am going to eat so well today and open up my calorie app and log in my breakfast, pack myself a healthy lunch and then something happens- I get miserable, I get mad, I get defeated, laying on the ground willingly taking the punches because I no longer have the strength to get back up. 
That is where I am right now and it sucks.... really sucks.  I want my determination back and the things that lie between the me "then" and the me "now" is the knowledge that this journey is not easy.  When I began I was starry eyed, hopeful and it all seemed easy and maybe even fun.  Well it's not. and I hate it, every step of it.

My biggest fear is that I will stay stuck in this place and not lose anymore and God forbid, gain it all back.  That is probably the crippling part for me right now.  I hate being overweight, hate it more than anything I have ever hated before in my life.  It is a sad place to be.

You see I was never overweight growing up, I never struggled with weight and always felt good in my clothes.  So this is still very foreign to me and very very easy to deny(see previous posts about my happy land of denial)

I have the utmost admiration for people who have taken this journey and succeeded far more than I have to this point.  I applaud you!

SO the big question for me is, how am I going to get back to it?  How do I get my motivation back?  Especially when I believe that I am eating well yet get on that scale and there is no loss.

  No amount of encouragement from friends will give it to me.  No pity from strangers will force me back to it. NO tears on my pillow or self-pity gorge fest are going to get me back to the place I need to be.

There is only 1 thing standing between me and that horse I need to get back on.... Just doing it.  Stop the bitching, stop the complaining, the tears, the whining and the self-loathing and just do it.  Hate it, cry and complain but DO IT!!  What other choice do I have?  I refuse to be fat and unhappy anymore.  I know how hard it will be, I will HATE it every step but I have to do it- for me, for my girls and for my life.  I don't need anyone else telling me I can do it, I need ME telling ME I can do it, I think that is where I am stuck- very little success has forced me to stop telling myself I can do it because I feel as if I haven't done it- I have let myself down and THAT is a bad place to be.

I need to do it on my own for myself.  I know I still have a long way to go and I may HATE my body right now but one day I want to love it and it will never get to that point until I stop my pity party and begin again.  Pick myself up, dust myself off and begin again.  And if I fall down again, I will keep picking myself up and begin again and again and again until I have reached that place where I can see myself in a picture, or a bathing suit, or the mirror and say "Oh Hi there, I remember you, damn you look good!"  It's a long way off but eventually I will get there.  ONE. STEP. AT. A. TIME.
Until then,
Sucking in my gut

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Delusions and Denial

So you may have been wondering where I have been.  Well I have been wondering too!  April 6th was my last blog post and in that time I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, didn't join a convent and most importantly I haven't given up.  I basically have been living a cushy life of delusions and denial.  It's been a pleasant place to live, until I see a few pictures of me that snap me back to reality. 

Delusions- a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact.

Denial- Disbelief in the existence of reality. 

My life has always been a battle between reality and denial and the past few months found me relapsing into the fantasy world where I believe that I can lose weight without counting calories, without exercise and without blogging.  In my silly state of denial I actually expected to step on that scale every morning and be greeted with a lower number. That place where I put on an outfit and think I look good and thin and then I see a picture of me and I look like a moose- wait, that isn't what I saw in the mirror, that isn't how I pictured myself in my head.  yup BIG denial! 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

Well duh you don't get results living in this delusional state.  And here I am faced with the summer, which means shorts, bathing suits (I just threw up a little in my mouth) and a general lack of clothing that cover all those bulges.  So I have been reluctantly forced out of my few months reprieve.

Lately I have had a seething jealousy of skinny people.  It is irrational and unfounded but it is where I want to be and where I know I can be, where I once was.  I want to walk into any clothing store and find something cute on the rack and just put it on and feel good and look good.  That is my motivation and sadly and I am not there YET.

So I dusted off my beloved running shoes and got back on the program.  I am very happy to report that I ran almost half of my trek this morning and really shocked myself at how much I was able to run.  I found myself smiling every time I ran, it was without thought and almost made me giddy inside.  Why did I stop doing this?  I kept asking myself.

While running, Chariot by Gavin Degraw blared in my ears and I realized that I needed a Chariot to guide me, to give me strength.  Whatever that Chariot is, I need to find it. I believe that the intended message of the song was for a "chariot" to take you away from reality for awhile.  Not sure about this one, I will have to ask Gavin one day when I get to sit down and have a long deep conversation with him about life (yes, this is on my unrealistic bucket list).  

In my mind, I need a "Chariot" to take me away from my delusions and denial and keep me grounded in reality where I can focus once again on my goal and exactly what I need to do to get there.
Whatever the intended meaning of the song, I need strength, I need something to guide me, something to make me want to spread my wings and fly.  I guess I haven't found it yet, or perhaps I lost it somewhere along the way.

July 28th is my 1 year mark and I still have time to get there- where I want to be.  I may have been lost somewhere along the way but I am back and ready to try this again.

Until then,
Oh Chariot, your golden waves
are walking down upon this face
to guide me
give me your...


Saturday, April 6, 2013

Resting On My Laurels

I have always loved idioms and any type of figurative language.  I drive my daughter crazy with metaphors and idioms almost on a daily basis.  She is very literal and often times does not understand the meanings behind my phrases.  Sometimes I think I use them just to get on her nerves. Other times it is the only way I can make sense of the things around me.
I had a small success in the weight loss arena this week- I have now lost a total of 22.5!  Several days of decent, but not great calorie counting, but only moderate exercising helped me reach this number.  Now my mind LOVES to play tricks on me and that old devil inside me just waits patiently for this opportunity.  So here is the thought process of said devil:
"Ahhh see you can lose weight without really putting too much effort into it.  You don't really need to run everyday.  You lost weight this week without logging in every calorie, you don't need to do that anymore.  Oh take a break from all that hard work, you deserve it."  Blah blah blah, you get the point.
I have not weighed in since that day I hit 22.5 pound and in that time I only ran once, pigged on pizza and other snacks and have basically thrown caution to the wind.  In other word: I am resting on my laurels.
This phrase jumped into my head as I was driving back from UMBC at 8:30 this morning after dropping Anna and Megan off at an all day College event.  I basically berated myself the whole way around 695 for allowing that devil to take over my thoughts and getting lazy about it all.
Resting on one's laurels:  To be satisfied with one's past success and to consider further effort unnecessary.

Yup that's what I've done.  I reached a small success and thought- ok I don't have to try anymore right now.  I hate when I do that.  I get lazy, I get complacent.  Then I get mad at myself- a vicious cycle really.
I am terrified to get back on that scale because I know that number will be up and I will have undone everything I did to get to that point.  This is not the first time either, it is basically what I have been doing all along, which is why it has taken me 8 months to lose 22.5 pound.   
I really should be running more than .5 miles at this point but I have been lazy about it.  I allow myself 30 minutes of walking and push myself to run .5 but could really be doing more.  Adding 5 more minutes each time.  Adding another .2 to my running each time.
  Doing the bare minimum with little effort- anyone who knows me knows that this is often how I operate with a lot of things.  This is what makes this journey so difficult for me- this internal battle I struggle with all the time in many different areas of my life.
So what now?  Well I haven't given up but I am to the point where this measly weight loss isn't working for me anymore.
  I had a miserable experience Easter dress shopping.  In my mind, I had lost 22 pounds and I was going to go to Chico's and find an adorable dress that looked stunning on my and I would bask in the glory of looking and feeling good.  Well what really happened is that I quickly realized that I am no where near where I want my body to be.  I had a very very patient sales lady that was throwing basically everything in the store at me and every time I stepped out of the dressing room, I was mortified at my body in the mirror.  At one point, I hid in the dressing room frantically wiping tears as the sales lady was trying to hand me yet one more outfit to try. 
I finally settled on a sweater, necklace and skirt that I felt somewhat ok in but not at all what I thought I would look like. Yes I had lost weight and yes I looked a whole heck of a lot better than I would have 6 months ago but the image I had in my mind of my body was not matching the outward view and my tears were tears of frustration and disappointment.
I think this is what prompted ole devil to rear it's ugly head which allowed me to rest on my laurels and not be spurned into action. You would think that I would have come home and thrust myself full force into running and counting calories- yeah not so much.  Being on spring break didn't help either.
So here I sit, afraid to get on the scale and vacillating between wanting to rest on my laurels and getting back down to business.  Spring clothes shopping is almost upon us and I can not go back into that dressing room without a clearer perspective on my body and a better feeling about it as well.  That only leaves me with one choice- only one- Throw the damn laurels down the drain and get moving. 

 There is nothing like the feeling of getting on that scale and seeing a lower number and I will NEVER understand why that isn't motivation enough for me.  Through sheer will and determination I will move that number this week.  It will be a daily battle but one I am willing to make.  I have to tell myself every minute of every day that It is worth it- that I am worth it.  I want to reach 25 pounds so desperately and I can't allow that devil to win this one!  
No more resting on my laurels, no more complacency, no more negative attitude.  I will see that number on the scale and be renewed in this journey and exactly what it takes to get there!
Until then,
Bring it! 
P.s Here is an interesting link to the origin of "resting on one's Laurels". Yeah this kind of stuff fascinates me, word nerd that I am!