Delusions and Denial

So you may have been wondering where I have been.  Well I have been wondering too!  April 6th was my last blog post and in that time I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, didn't join a convent and most importantly I haven't given up.  I basically have been living a cushy life of delusions and denial.  It's been a pleasant place to live, until I see a few pictures of me that snap me back to reality. 

Delusions- a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact.

Denial- Disbelief in the existence of reality. 

My life has always been a battle between reality and denial and the past few months found me relapsing into the fantasy world where I believe that I can lose weight without counting calories, without exercise and without blogging.  In my silly state of denial I actually expected to step on that scale every morning and be greeted with a lower number. That place where I put on an outfit and think I look good and thin and then I see a picture of me and I look like a moose- wait, that isn't what I saw in the mirror, that isn't how I pictured myself in my head.  yup BIG denial! 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

Well duh you don't get results living in this delusional state.  And here I am faced with the summer, which means shorts, bathing suits (I just threw up a little in my mouth) and a general lack of clothing that cover all those bulges.  So I have been reluctantly forced out of my few months reprieve.

Lately I have had a seething jealousy of skinny people.  It is irrational and unfounded but it is where I want to be and where I know I can be, where I once was.  I want to walk into any clothing store and find something cute on the rack and just put it on and feel good and look good.  That is my motivation and sadly and I am not there YET.

So I dusted off my beloved running shoes and got back on the program.  I am very happy to report that I ran almost half of my trek this morning and really shocked myself at how much I was able to run.  I found myself smiling every time I ran, it was without thought and almost made me giddy inside.  Why did I stop doing this?  I kept asking myself.

While running, Chariot by Gavin Degraw blared in my ears and I realized that I needed a Chariot to guide me, to give me strength.  Whatever that Chariot is, I need to find it. I believe that the intended message of the song was for a "chariot" to take you away from reality for awhile.  Not sure about this one, I will have to ask Gavin one day when I get to sit down and have a long deep conversation with him about life (yes, this is on my unrealistic bucket list).  

In my mind, I need a "Chariot" to take me away from my delusions and denial and keep me grounded in reality where I can focus once again on my goal and exactly what I need to do to get there.
Whatever the intended meaning of the song, I need strength, I need something to guide me, something to make me want to spread my wings and fly.  I guess I haven't found it yet, or perhaps I lost it somewhere along the way.


July 28th is my 1 year mark and I still have time to get there- where I want to be.  I may have been lost somewhere along the way but I am back and ready to try this again.

Until then,
Oh Chariot, your golden waves
are walking down upon this face
to guide me
give me your...
STRENGTH