"You're back" Tales of a hiatus

Well it's been almost 3 months since my last post.  You could say I have been on a hiatus, a break or a bender perhaps?  Sometimes I feel like a drug addict that fell off the wagon.  Food has always been my drug of choice and I am a very obsessive person (my closest friends will get a kick out of that line ;)

So let me detail what has been going on in my life in the past 3 months.

Not long after my last post (July 28th- which coincidentally was exactly 1 year after I started this journey and this blog) I published a book- August 11th to be exact.  The whole process of publishing this book was foreign, exhilarating, nerve-wracking, scary and thrilling at the same time.  I was completely consumed with thoughts like, "What have I done?" or "Holy crap!!!" The emotions surrounding this book release were some I had never felt before in my life and it was all consuming.  I am not surprised that I completely let go of everything else in my life.  This was something I was completely ill-equipped to deal with but at the same time felt like it was exactly what I was meant to do with my life- a complete dichotomy.  

Just a few weeks after I published the book I went back to work after the summer "hiatus".  The struggles of getting back into the routine of work and getting the girls back into school threw me for a loop.  Grace started middle school which has been a struggle for both of us as well.  Work has been very different this year and it was hard for me to get back into the swing of it when really all I wanted to be doing was writing my next book and promoting the one I had just published.

So is anyone surprised why I fell off the exercise wagon and put a few pounds back on?  Well I am not at all.  I have struggled all year to find a love for it and it just wasn't there, as hard as I tried or wanted it to be.  The bottom line is- I hate it!!  I hated counting every calorie and worrying about everything I put in my mouth and the daily stress of "OMG I have to walk today."  I hated every second of it so it was all too easy to just "let it go" and focus on all the other things in my life that I didn't have an option about- work, raising children, publishing, cleaning etc.

The problem is.... I am not happy with the aftermath of quitting my journey to get healthy.  I have gained some weight (Not as much as I would have thought), I am feeling unhealthy and my overall psyche is effected.  I hate being the "fat girl" and it has reached the point where I hate that more than I hate exercising and focusing on my food.  But WOW even writing that I am starting to stress about all that goes into jumping back into this journey.  The food preparation, the daily struggle to exercise, the thought processes needed to succeed- all send that feeling of "breaking out in hives" up my back.

So here I sit on the cusp of change again and I am at a loss as to what I really want.  Well I know what I really want- I want to be fat and happy - but for me that is my own personal oxymoron (contradictory terms that are put together).  It's not possible for ME to have both.  I want to be the skinny girl, the one that doesn't have to worry about how I look in clothes, the one that "gets the guy", the one that everyone looks at and says, "wow she looks good." I'm not sure if that is even in the cards for me but those thoughts become all consuming for me.  The struggle might actually be because for half of my life I WAS that girl and I don't know what happened to her. 

And here I sit wondering what do I need to get that back- well I know exactly what it takes to get that- EXACTLY!!!  I know it with every fiber of my being what it takes and I HATE IT!!

You can talk the talk
or you can walk the walk.
            -Gavin Degraw

Again I liken it to a drug addict facing sobriety- this has to be what it feels like. Am I willing to do what I need to do to get what I want most?  The answer is really simple- I don't know. and that right there scares me more than anything.  

Take those boots off the shelf
Wipe that dust off yourself
                     -Gavin Degraw

Am I ready to lace up my running shoes again? Do I have a choice?

Losing, well, it sometimes burns, but you keep moving on
You've got to push on like you're leading a nation
Got to make the best out of this situation
Get your hands up like it's a celebration
and you keep moving on
                     -Gavin Degraw

Am I ready for my "hiatus" to end?  Not sure I have a choice, I have to make a change because what I have been doing hasn't been working for me.  I have to find a way to add exercise and calorie counting back into my hectic, stressful life and maybe this time I will find a way to love it?  Hey one can hope right?

Until then,
"Even if you've been through hell.... you're back."
                        -Gavin Degraw

****This post brought to you be the song "Everything Will Change" from Gavin's new album Make a Move.