Be Careful What You Wish For

Summer is officially half over- OH MY that hurt to type!! Going in to this summer I had a few things I wanted to accomplish and well folks, I have not accomplished any of them.  Well I am keeping consistent at least.  

Change is very hard for me.  I get stuck in ruts so often you would think I was a truck tire living permanently in the mud.  Is it a comfortable place for me?  I have been trying to figure out why I let myself get stuck so often.  Fear of moving forward? Scared of actually getting what I want? Or maybe it is just that I am lazy? I still haven't figured it out.

So here was my original list:
1. Clean out my dining room (currently floor to ceiling storage and a big source of anxiety)
2. Recaulk my bathroom (I don't do these type of household chores)
3. Paint my bedroom (hasn't been painted in 18 years)
4. Lose 10 pounds
5. Read, read, read

So that was it- didn't seem too difficult- what was I thinking??? This now seems like I might have bitten off more than my lazy self can chew.  I should know by now NOT to set myself up for failure this way, but as I am finding- this is what I do alot!! I set my goals too high to ever reach them so I make it easy to back out.  Classic Kristin move!

So what am I to do now?  Every morning I wake up and say, "I am going to run today." or "Today is the day I get in the dining room and start cleaning it." or even, "Today I will download a new book and begin reading."  Well you see these things never happen.  I have spent way too much time analyzing my lack of motivation and why I spend all day in an anxious, paralyzed state of non-productiveness (is that a word?)

So with 4 more weeks until I have to go back to work, I better get started on something!!  I think I need to rework my list to include only 1 thing at a time. So I need to decide where to start.  I think I will spend all day today pondering that question.  Ok ,Ok, I know, I know, I can't do that.  Pick one and start- sounds easy?  Well here are my thoughts on that:
1. If I start cleaning the dining room today it will take all day and then nothing else will get done, it will probably take several days and the thought of spending several days in a heightened state of anxiety is not appealing.
2. In order to recaulk my bathroom I must first learn how to do it.  Then I have to go get the supplies I need and the thought of wondering around Lowes wondering just what the heck I am doing is so unappealing.
3.PAINT???  Are you kidding me?  I HATE to paint!!!
4. Well everyday is a struggle to lose weight- EVERYDAY I think about what I am putting in my mouth and the fact that I haven't gone running in weeks.  And then there is the awful chunk I took out of my heel this week that is preventing me from putting on my running shoes.
5. I want to start a new book but can't justify spending my non-existent money on a new download and I am too lazy to look into the library app.

And the list just keeps going on and on- in essence- I continue to be my own worst enemy and I constantly get in my own way!

Ok Kristin, enough words- let's put something into action today!

So here is what I am going to do (like it or not)- I am going to lace up my running shoes (with extra band-aids on my heel) and go for a walk on the treadmill in the air conditioning, watching a livestream video of Gavin Degraw that is hilarious!!!  Then I am going to get in the dining room for 30 minutes (I will set an alarm) and whatever I get done will be good enough for today!

I think I need to stop there so I, once again, don't set myself up for failure! After all, there are many other things I need to get done today like laundry and dishes.

July 29th is one year since I started this journey.  I am 12 pounds away from my original goal for the year.  I WILL get those 12 pounds off and then keep moving forward to lose more.  I have learned that it's not the time it takes but the journey that matters!

So there you have it- a little peek into the anxiety ridden mind of me!  Fun place to be wouldn't ya say?  It is who I am and I have to work with it, not against it!  Learn from it and continue to move forward! I work best under pressure and know that something will get accomplished before I am thrust back into the teaching world. 

Until then,
"Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it"