One Step at a Time

I have a confession to make.  When I signed up to do this training, I had two very distinct thoughts:

1. It is only 2 days a week, I can do that.

2. I want to run, it looks easy enough.

How wrong I was.  First off, the training is 5 days, not just the 2 scheduled group days- I had no idea.  How I thought I was going to be able to "run" a 5K with only 2 days a week of training I don't know but then we are talking about someone who has spent the last 10+ years sitting on her porch or couch getting fat.  Secondly, there is nothing easy about running when you are out of shape.  You don't just get off the couch and run, doesn't happen.  At least for me it doesn't.

I thought this was going to be way easier than it actually is but it is no where near as hard as living everyday in this overweight body that I hate. It is always easier to say you are going to do something hard than actually doing it.

  I have been through so much emotional pain in my life that I feel like I finally got that part licked. I know how to do it.  I know what it looks like, how it feels and exactly how to get over it- ONE STEP AT A TIME.  Emotional pain is something I have learned to do well and I wear my emotions on my sleeve well.  I understand it, and have, over the years, learned how to handle it on my own and I have succeeded. I am an emotional person by nature so it makes sense that I would be intimately involved with my emotions.  But I didn't get there overnight.  It took years of  tears and breakdowns, struggles and pain.

So why should this experience be any different?  It isn't, but somehow I expected it to be.  

Running is NOT easy for me.  It  hurts.  My ankles and shins literally feel like they are going to break in two.  So I have made a very important decision.  I am not going to run- period.  At least not now.  I have to learn what my limits are physically just as I have emotionally.

When I went through my divorce, I couldn't expect myself to be on friendly terms with my ex right away.  I had to chip away at the pain, the hurt, the anger and all of the other emotions first before I could get to a place where I felt completely indifferent towards him.  One step at a time.

When my heart was broken it took me years to work through the emotional turmoil.  It was easy for people to say, "Get over it, move on" blah blah blah. It didn't happen overnight.  It only happened by my determination to get myself balanced and by taking it one painstaking step at a time.

So I have had to rethink this training and realize that I am not ready to run, but I am ready to walk.  I am not giving up but I have to take it literally step by step just like everything else in my life.  One day maybe I will be a runner, but today I will walk.

I am also notoriously hard on myself. I think this is good in some ways but hurtful in others.  When I was at my training last week and everyone was running ahead of me and my body wouldn't allow me to, I was beating myself up- if they can do it, why can't I?  I had to suppress the tears as I finally walked to the end with everyone waiting there. I willed myself not to be embarrassed. It was very hard to do but I have to keep telling myself, they are farther on this journey than I am so I can't expect myself to be where they are when I am on my own path. It is all about rethinking and rewiring my brain to believe in myself instead of beating myself up and reaching for the food for comfort.

I don't know the end results of this journey but the only way I will find out is by putting one foot in front of the other on MY path and walk it.  Maybe one day my legs will allow me to run it, but for now this is my journey, my path, my shoes and my walk!

Until then,

Walk on