Fake it Till you Make it

It feels like all my life I have been waiting.  Waiting to grow up.  Waiting to get a job.  Waiting to start a family.  Waiting for my marriage to get better.  Waiting for my divorce to be finalized.  Waiting for my children to become more independent.  Waiting to lose weight.  Ok you get the picture.
Well I am now waiting for this to get easier.  Waiting to actually "WANT" to walk when I get home from work. I had to force myself to walk today even thought I didn't want to deal with getting changed, the sweat and subsequent shower.  I am tired and just wanted to relax.  But because I haven't been that great with my eating this week and have not walked more days than I should, I forced myself out the door and about 4 minutes in was slammed with shin pain.  I was so angry and did NOT want to slow down my pace.  If I was going to walk, I wanted to make it worthwhile and I didn't want to stroll.  I was happy that my average speed was 3.5 and the pain in my shins did get a little better but halfway home my ankle and floppy foot returned and so did my anger.  I am so tired of waiting for this  to get better and easier and I kept mumbling to myself, "fake it til you make it" which is something I am also familiar with- in my job, in parenting etc. 
Well I now think that is a bunch of hoo ha because it doesn't seem like I am ever going to make it.  For all the hard work I have put in, my body is still decieving me.  I still feel fat and my legs still hurt and this is NOT fun anymore.
I know I am not going to quit, at least not before September 9th but if I am going to continue to walk and count calories than I don't want to wait for results, I don't want to wait for the pain to stop.  My prize just seems to far away and at this point unobtainable. 
But I will fake it and continue to act like I like this and continue to act like this is making a difference in my life and maybe, just maybe, I will get to stop waiting and finally enjoy the results.
Until then,
I'll just be over here waiting

A Bugs Life and other Musing

I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?  I always like the bad news first because it makes the good news all the more sweeter.
So the bad news- I didn't walk Saturday or Sunday and I really fell off the food wagon as well.  I went out Saturday night with my friend and her husband and instead of making relatively intelligent choices about my meal, I ended up eating a shrimp fiesta with 3 different types of fried shrimp.  Sunday wasn't too much better as I feasted on a large burger made by my bestie-in-law and had 2 glasses of wine.  Ok all in all not too bad but I definitly woke up today feeling heavier and stayed as far away from the scale as I could knowing that I woudn't like what I see.  I now know the value of only weighing in once a week.  So I have 4 more days to redeem myself. 
Today was such a crazy day- work was basically ok.  I mean I am in the air conditioned lab which definitly has its perks.  However, at the end of the day I was checking my account balance to see what kind of money I had in there to buy some groceries and found out I was in the hole.  "Hello bank of Mom, I'd like to make a withdraw."  So after work I had to drive to my Moms, get an advance on my check this Friday, drive to the bank in rush hour to deposit the cash and then fight my way home on the 5:30 beltway.  Knowing that I didn't have anything for dinner in my house, I text Anna with 2 choices- Chik Fila or chinese.  Chinese won out.  I used my app in the Chinese store parking lot to find out what I could eat in a decent calorie range- this was so frustrating because there were so many choices for Sesame Chicken (what I wanted) ranging from 150 calories (yeah right) to 550.  At this point, low blood sugar was kicking in and I was pissed off that I had to even worry about how many stupid calories were in my food and just got my order and went home.  I scarfed down my sesame chicken without even tasting it and added 500 calories to my day.  Feeling spent and irritated I emptied and filled the dishwasher, battled the ants once again and then had to mentally fight with myself to walk.  Grace was bugging me to walk as she wanted to ride her bike with me again.  If it were not for her, I would probably still be sitting on the porch berating myself for not walking.  It is such a mind game that is absolutely exhausting.
So now for the good news- I reluctantly donned my beloved shoes and other paraphenalia and headed out.  My pace was slower, probably matching my mood, but I can happily report NO SHIN PAIN!!!  I was so happy about this and was slowly turning my mood around when I walked through a fog of gnats.  One went straight into my eye and one went right up my nose.  I was so horrified and began digging in my eye while also blowing my nose all over my shirt to try to dislodge the bug.  I am sure the father who was coming off of the Villa Cresta field was completely grossed out- damn he was cute too.  Oh well, I couldn't tell you what happened to those nasty buggers and I really don't want to know.
So there it is, the good, the bad and the ugly.
  I have so much to be thankful for, in light of the events at Perry Hall High School today, that I can only look at my bad news today and think of it as another blessed day!  My 14 year loved her first day in High School and my 10 year old has been gushing about her day in 5th grade.  It just doesn't get any better than that- eye gnats and all!!!
Until next time,
Going to blow my nose

Feeling Antsy

Well I survived the first week back to work.  It was a pretty good week, very very busy.  I didn't walk on Monday or Tuesday due to my sore ankle.  Our training group met on Wednesday this week at Ft. McHenry.  I was nervous about how my ankle and shins would do but excited about the walk, especially because the weather was gorgeous with very little humidity. We started out on the walk and before long I was ready to jump for joy- no pain at all!!!  I had reduced my speed and it was working.  I was so excited and had to really concentrate on keeping my speed down.  About 3/4 of a mile in the pain came back.   I was really discouraged but kept moving forward.  The pain wasn't as bad as it had been on Sunday and never really increased in intensity but it lingered for the rest of the 2.1 mile walk.  My GPS app said my speed was 3.1 which wasn't too much slower than my usual 3.4 pace.  All in all it was a very nice walk.
Yesterday I was so busy with both girls Back to School nights.  First was Grace's- I can't believe that she is going into 5th grade :(  I had to leave her there in order to get Anna to High School Orientation.  Thank goodness for Sandy, who brought Grace home.  High School???  WHAT?  My baby girl is going to be a freshman, I cna't believe it!! Half way through the Orientation Grace text me that there were hundreds of ants in the kitchen.  When I got home, I found ants all over the cake that Anna and Paige made as well as pretty much all over the kitchen counter.  It was sad throwing out the cake but I was sorta glad not to have the temptation in the house. 
I knew that I had to walk today and was pretty stressed out when I got home to find more ants invading the kitchen.  After spending about an hour on clean up and getting a solution from Lowes to combat the ants I was finally able to put on my shoes and get walking.  By this point, I was struggling to find the motivation.  Grace said that she wanted to ride her bike with me and it was really nice to have her company.  The pain is still there but seems to be getting better, or perhaps I am just getting more used to it.  Not sure yet.  Either way, it is over with for today and my speed was back up to 3.4 mph.  My goal is to get up to 4.0 but I can't imagine going any fast then I already am with it being an actual jog. 

So it has been 4 weeks since I started this insanity and as of today I have lost 7.5 pounds.  Not only do I feel lighter but I also am happier and less stressed.  I definitly felt that at work this week.  I no longer wanted to punch anyone who asked me to fix their technology.  I am, however, getting antsy (no pun intended) about my progress.  Don't get me wrong, I am making amazing progress and am not discounting that at all.  But I am realizing just how long this is going to take and sometimes the effort involved in walking 5 days a week and counting calories and thinking about everything I am putting in my mouth is just too much for only losing 1 pound a week.  I know, I know, this is the healthy way to do it and ensure that I will keep it off, but sometimes it is just so frustrating.
I am getting a little concerned about what I will do after the 5K.  Part of me wants to sign up for another 5K so that I will be forced to continue. I am afraid that, left to my own, I will not continue walking 5 days a week and will allow myself to slack off.  However, there is a large part of my brain that is telling me I have once again lost my mind for wanting to train for another 5K.  What to do, what to do? 
Until then,
Chasing Ants

I am not a doctor, I just play one on this blog.

This weather is amazing and for once I actually WANT to go out and walk.  But I can't :(  After playing doctor online I think I found my problem- Anterior Tibialis Tendonitis- Which is a fancy name for pain at the front of the ankle.  It is cause by overuse or that muscle.  Everything I read that described the symptoms are dead on.  Here is a link if you want to play pretend doctor too -  http://www.physioadvisor.com.au/8183750/tibialis-anterior-tendonitis-tibialis-anterior-t.htm

So instead of jumping up and down and shouting- "YES I don't have to walk anymore!!" I have actually decided to take a few days off, rest my ankle, do some ankle stretches and icing and keep moving forward.  There is no way that I am ready to give this up yet!  Simply because the pain of being fat far outweighs the pain of walking.

I took my shoes to work with me yesterday and they had a grand time!!  I walked back and forth and up and down the halls so many times that I think I got in a mini work out!  I was greatful that the pain did not return but am still fearful of walking at the exercise pace.  I have been consistant at about a 3.5 pace/speed which I am told is pretty fast but I have no way to gage it.  It is listed on the My Fitness Pal App as a brisk walk and I am usually pretty winded so I am guessing this is a good pace.

I did not walk yesterday or today, even though for some odd reason I actually wanted to.  I will try again tomorrow with our training group at Ft. McHenry and will try to keep my pace down and just pray and pray that the rest has decreased some of the pain.

 The devil is not getting me on this one either. 
On another note, I have found counting calories to be the answer for me.  I actually enjoy keeping track of what I eat and I try to make a game of it- let's see what I can eat and still stay in my calorie range and NOT feel deprived.  I cheated and got on the scale this morning and was amazed to see that I am another 2 pounds down already.  This weight is just flying off- which makes me all the more determined to keep at it, pain or no pain. The extra calories are just not worth it.  I do miss the calories gained by walking and the extra treats I can have as a result. Tomorrow it shall be ice cream!
Until then,
Eating a strawberry

Thanks to my cheerleader, Shannon, for these inspirational pics!  Keep 'em coming Shan!

This, Too, Shall Pass

My Mom has always said this to me and I have found it to be so true, in everything in life.  This, too, shall pass.  I remember when my girls were little and I was completely frustrated by something we were going through- bedtime issues, potty training etc. and just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, it would change or stop.  When I didn't think that I could survive going through my divorce, or the grief of heartbreak, I can look back on them now and firmly say This, too, DID pass.  
But life is funny cause with every passing comes a new challenge, a new obstacle to get over.  I never would have ever thought that walking 5 days a week would be so frustrating and challenging but then again, why should I have thought any different.  Is there anything in life that is just handed to us?

A little frustration humor for ya!
This morning was another training and I went to bed last night completely dreading getting up early on my very last official day of summer, the last morning I would get to sleep in for awhile.  I started thinking about maybe turning off my alarm in my sleep (sometimes I really do this) and oops I didn't make it to training, sorry.  But when my alarm went off, I knew I had to get up and do this.  I was lookinig forward to another walk by the water and was praying that my ankles and shins felt better.  The walk I took yesterday left my ankle swollen and my shins hurting again, I thought I was making progress. :(
I decided to buy an ankle sleeve and it felt really good when I put it on but sadly, my walk was frought with pain again.  I was beyond frustrated and tried very hard to hold the tears back- not tears of pain but of shear frustration.  I want to be walking faster, I want to maybe run a bit, I want to listen to my songs and enjoy the scenery.  But none of that happened, instead I concentrated really hard of just putting one foot in front of the other to get me back to the store as quickly as possible. Once I got back the pain stopped and I was left with the determination to not give in to this pain and let it stop me.

I refuse to let this pain and frustration stop me.  I have no idea how long this pain will last, I can only hold on to the hope that one day I can walk pain free and maybe enjoy it alittle bit more and keep telling myself, "This, too, shall pass."

When I got home and removed my sleeve, the swelling started and I had to ice my ankle, which felt really good.  I only wish that I could sit like this all day but school supply shopping trumps this.

Does the left ankle look swollen to you?

Well I will probably take tomorrow off from walking and hope that on Tuesday the pain is a little better. I think I will wear my ankle sleeve and shoes to work tomorrow so my ankles and shins know I mean business.  One day, hopefully very soon, they will start to comply.
Until then,
Waiting for this to pass

Keeping My Eye on the Prize

So anyone who knows me isn't surprised that there is a picture of Channing Tatum on my blog.  I am sure some were wondering why he hasn't appeared sooner.  Well Chan is here for 2 reasons.
1. I often think about him while walking (not for the reasons you probably thing tho).    I think about all the hard work he has had to put in to get this body and it inspires me.  Really that's the truth.
2. It reminds me of the reason I am doing this.  Yes I am doing this to get healthy, live longer, lose weight blah blah blah.  But I am also doing this so that when God decides to put Mr. Wonderful in my path, I will be comfortable with myself to not let him pass me by.
Yes I know what you are thinking- "Don't do this for a man."  "Do this for youself."  "True love doesn't matter what you look like."  Well that's all a bunch of mularky in my book.   You see, first I have to love myself before I can allow true love in and THIS is why I am doing this.
Yes I want to find the love of my life, I sure have waited long enough- 44 years (with a few major catastrophies along the way)- But I know that I cannot truly love and be loved if I don't first love myself and for me part of that is loving my body and I just plain don't.  SOOO yes I am losing weight and getting healthy for many reasons but the real reason is so that I can love myself and my body enough to allow love in. 
So my prize= Mr. Wonderful (someone who preferably looks like Channing Tatum LOL).  
It is all a means to an end and I can't wait to see what my fairy tale ending looks like.  I know I will not take it for granted and will cherish every step of the way- even the hard ones.
Until then,
Waiting for my Happily Ever After

Ps. Next post will be musing on Fairy Tale Endings

The WIndow of Opportunity

HA don't I look like I had fun!  Since I skipped yesterdays walk due to shear exhaustion from a long day rearranging my computer lab and heffing multiple computers to the storage closet, I knew I had to walk today.  It was on my mind all day.  I knew that I had a full day of work, dinner to make, take Grace to gymnastics and the only opportunity I would have to walk would be after 7pm. As we left gymnastics I had a little encouraging chat with my Jens (Kuessner and Bethke) who told me that they were fans of my blog.  Yeah more cheerleaders!  On the drive home the sky looked ominous and that little voice in my head was doing backflips of joy at the thought of my walk being rained out.  I had a good ole mental fight with myself all the way home and lo and behold not 5 minutes after coming in the door I was back out, not giving my devil mind a chance to catch up to my plans.
I was excited to try a new interval app that Shannon recommended and thought that maybe I would try running for 30 second intervals, as long as my shins held up.
After 4 minutes of walking the ringer went off (set to sound like a boxing round bell) and I ran for 30 second, then walked for 30.  I think I did this 3 times before my shins screamed at me to stop.  I was a little disappointed but then had to mentally whip myself into shape and finally convinced myself that it was amazing!!  Just a few short days ago I could barely walk and here I was running for a few minutes.  The second half of my walk my shins were punishing me and my foot started flopping again but I ignored them and instead looked at the clouds and the neighborhood and listened to my songs. 
All in all it was a nice walk, rather brisk too as I was breathing hard for most of it and could feel my heart rate rising.  I liked the interval app and hope that I can eventually run a bit more but for now I am extremely happy with my progress.
My biggest worry is what will happen when I get back to work full time next week and then what I will do once it starts to get dark at 5.  Because I tell you one thing for certain, this chicky ain't getting out of bed any earlier than I absolutely have to and if I ever DO get out of bed early to go walk I asure you that pigs will be flying right along with me!
Until then,
Eating my earned calories snack!

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Today's training started out at the store in McHenry Row off of Key Highway.  I was very concerned about my shins and worried that I would get half way down Key Highway and not be able to make it back.  BUT that did not happen!  My shins were so much better!!  My left shin still hurt and it feels like my left foot is very floppy, like I don't have much control over it.  That took up a lot of my thinking time, worrying that I couldn't control my foot and trying very hard to move through the motion of heel to toe but it just wouldn't cooperate and would just flop down with each step. 
 Having less shin pain made a huge difference in my walking.  I felt like I kept up a pretty good pace as we walked around Harborview.  I really enjoyed the sights and even thought about what it would be like to live in one of those million dollar condos on the water. 
All in all, I walked about 40 minutes and it was probably the best walk I have had so far, most likely because it wasn't humid at all.  Less humidity + little shin pain = Happy Kristin
I even entertained the possibility of trying running/walking intervals this week but I will wait to see how tomorrow's walk is.
Until then,
Loving my shoes even more 

Here is a little running eye candy! Keepin my eye on the prize! 

The Price I Must Pay

shin splintsplural of shin splints

Noun:

Acute pain in the shin and lower leg caused by prolonged running, typically on hard surfaces.

I find this hilarious- "prolonged running" HA HA  I haven't done ANY running yet.  But I have been experiencing the pain of shin splints when I walk.  It is enough to make me want to hang up my "running" shoes, throw in the towel AND give up the ghost.  But alas I keep reminding myself that I will not get what I want if I do.  So endure the pain I will in order to get the end result.  Nothing in life worth having wasn't received without pain- I just look at my 2 wonderful girls to remind me of that.  My end desires are worth the shin splints.  The finish line is worth the daily battle with my old montra- "I just don't want to do it." 

 Well "I just don't want to do it" is exactly what has gotten me here- overweight and unhealthy.  It is my easy out, my "go to" excuse and it is so familiar, it is automatic.  So of course this is the first thing I have to battle each day.  Some days it wins, but most it doesn't.   When I can finally jostle the "Just Do It" to win out over the "I just don't want to do it", and head out to walk, I am confronted with a constant reminder, with each step, that "I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO IT." Walking with pain from your knee to your ankle is unpleasant and I will leave it at that.  

I know I sound like a whiny baby and I try very hard not to be too whiny and bitchy about it, sometimes it seeps out, particularly to my besties and mostly to my cheerleader- Shannon- bless you!  Sometimes I just want to smack myself and spew out those cliche's- "Quitya bitchin", "Put on your big girl panties" blah blah blah.  But then I remind myself that this is my journey, no one else's so if I want to bitch about it, I darn well will HA HA, I will try to keep the seepage down to a minimum.

Ok enough of that-

I don't know what I am going to do about my shin pain- I have done the exercises, iced them and even tried different shoes- which resulted in less shin pain but very sore feet, as they were not even walking shoes.  I was a little encouraged that the pain wasn't as bad as the previous 2 walks.  I am going to wear my "running" shoes to training tomorrow morning (SOOOO not looking forward to getting out of bed at 7 on a Sunday morning) and see if they are better or worse.  And then,..... I will take it from there- if my shins are improving then I will pick up the pace and start working harder.  If not, then, well not really sure.  I will continue to push through the pain and walk but it is slowing me down considerably and if it doesn't get any better eventually, it will effect race day :(  I am not going to think anymore about it tho cause I make a habit of NOT worrying about something that hasn't happened yet.  It is wasted worry. 

Until then,

Icing The Shins

One Step at a Time

I have a confession to make.  When I signed up to do this training, I had two very distinct thoughts:

1. It is only 2 days a week, I can do that.

2. I want to run, it looks easy enough.

How wrong I was.  First off, the training is 5 days, not just the 2 scheduled group days- I had no idea.  How I thought I was going to be able to "run" a 5K with only 2 days a week of training I don't know but then we are talking about someone who has spent the last 10+ years sitting on her porch or couch getting fat.  Secondly, there is nothing easy about running when you are out of shape.  You don't just get off the couch and run, doesn't happen.  At least for me it doesn't.

I thought this was going to be way easier than it actually is but it is no where near as hard as living everyday in this overweight body that I hate. It is always easier to say you are going to do something hard than actually doing it.

  I have been through so much emotional pain in my life that I feel like I finally got that part licked. I know how to do it.  I know what it looks like, how it feels and exactly how to get over it- ONE STEP AT A TIME.  Emotional pain is something I have learned to do well and I wear my emotions on my sleeve well.  I understand it, and have, over the years, learned how to handle it on my own and I have succeeded. I am an emotional person by nature so it makes sense that I would be intimately involved with my emotions.  But I didn't get there overnight.  It took years of  tears and breakdowns, struggles and pain.

So why should this experience be any different?  It isn't, but somehow I expected it to be.  

Running is NOT easy for me.  It  hurts.  My ankles and shins literally feel like they are going to break in two.  So I have made a very important decision.  I am not going to run- period.  At least not now.  I have to learn what my limits are physically just as I have emotionally.

When I went through my divorce, I couldn't expect myself to be on friendly terms with my ex right away.  I had to chip away at the pain, the hurt, the anger and all of the other emotions first before I could get to a place where I felt completely indifferent towards him.  One step at a time.

When my heart was broken it took me years to work through the emotional turmoil.  It was easy for people to say, "Get over it, move on" blah blah blah. It didn't happen overnight.  It only happened by my determination to get myself balanced and by taking it one painstaking step at a time.

So I have had to rethink this training and realize that I am not ready to run, but I am ready to walk.  I am not giving up but I have to take it literally step by step just like everything else in my life.  One day maybe I will be a runner, but today I will walk.

I am also notoriously hard on myself. I think this is good in some ways but hurtful in others.  When I was at my training last week and everyone was running ahead of me and my body wouldn't allow me to, I was beating myself up- if they can do it, why can't I?  I had to suppress the tears as I finally walked to the end with everyone waiting there. I willed myself not to be embarrassed. It was very hard to do but I have to keep telling myself, they are farther on this journey than I am so I can't expect myself to be where they are when I am on my own path. It is all about rethinking and rewiring my brain to believe in myself instead of beating myself up and reaching for the food for comfort.

I don't know the end results of this journey but the only way I will find out is by putting one foot in front of the other on MY path and walk it.  Maybe one day my legs will allow me to run it, but for now this is my journey, my path, my shoes and my walk!

Until then,

Walk on

It's All Fun and Games Until....It's Not

So I have reached that point I knew that I would eventually reach, albeit I thought it would be farther along in the process. 

The weekend threw off my motivation and here I sit, knowing that I have to go walk and the thought is literally making me want to vomit.  It is so hot and humid outside that I think I would rather be face to face with a hungry alligator right now than go for a walk.  You see I missed my training walk on Sunday because I was sleeping off wedding fun.  I was going to walk later yesterday but my hip hurt so bad from all the dancing that I did at the wedding that I never went.  I rationalized it by thinking that all the dancing I did was in place of my Sunday training.  And my hip did really really hurt. The aches have been something I was unprepared for on this journey.  My ankles, shins and hips are taking a huge beating and when I stand up to walk I hear my bones crying. My body sure is constantly reminding me that I am 44 and completely out of shape.

I did spent all day today knee deep in trash, dirt and unused toys cleaning out Grace's room and the hallway.  This yielded 6 large trash bags and a sore back which is not helping the "I don't wanna do this anymore" mood.

I have also eaten all but 65 calories of my days allotment and I have found myself increasingly hungry and know that I will want to eat something later on.

Now I am not writing this to elicit any kind of sympathy or "you can do it" comments- I know I can do it- I DON'T WANT TO!  

I knew I would reach this point and hope beyond hope that tomorrow I won't feel this way.  It has been creeping up on me since the end of week one.  I want to be positive and inspiring but today it's just not in me.  

At best, I am hoping to find a walking channel on TV and walk in front of the air conditioner in my bare feet.  It is the best I can do today.  At worst, I will not do any exercise today and hope that I don't pay for it too bad the next time I walk.  I AM committed to this and I know that my mojo is just hiding right now. If tomorrow I wake up feeling this way again- I am screwed :(

Until then,

Keep Calm and Cry On

 

Food for Thought

“I am a better person when I have less on my plate.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Today I have been feeling a bit philosophical and devote this blog post to food.  Food is essential to life, it is not like a drug that is unessential to our being yet used for similar satisfaction to food.  Yet food can be just as addictive, if not more.  We have to eat to live- period.  What power food is given just in that thought.  It is only natural for food then to become a means by which we express ourselves.  Now I could go on and on about this topic, blah blah blah - but I believe you understand exactly what I mean.  Food has gotten me to this place in my life- overweight.  Yet it is not foods fault, it is mine and I accept full responsibility for that. 

It is the way that I thought about food on some conscious or subconscious level that has gotten me into trouble. 

Here are somethings that I have learned about food this week:

1. If I eat really well for breakfast and lunch, I have more to play around with for dinner and snacks.

2. Counting calories keeps me accountable for everything I put in my mouth.

3. My body feels different, it is a different kind of full I have to get used to.

4. My running shoes now replace the purpose I gave to food.

5.  I have a new purpose for food- Eat to live, not live to eat.

6. I can hold myself more accountable for what I eat.

and many other cliche's and inner musings that keep me going in the right direction.

As far as the food portion of this crazy, life altering journey I am on, I have decided to count calories.  I am not good at any kind of structure so counting points, weighing and measuring, eating only certain foods and eliminating others doesn't really work for me. I don't like being told what I can and can't eat.   I have tried many fad diets, weight watchers, Diet Workshop, you name it, I've probably tried it.  Ya see me skinny?  Nope, me either.

So counting calories is easy, along with the great APP to keep track of everything, My Fitness Pal.  All I have to do is make different choices about what I put in my mouth.  I start with what I know I like but are also relatively healthy.  A BLT sandwich, green peppers, capresi salad, hummus, Stacy's Pita chips, Greek Yogurt with added granola and all kinds of fruits.  I made sure that I had these things in my cart when I went shopping.  

Now I am not a cook, don't have the time to devote to all of it's requirements and it also falls in that deep pit of structure that gets me every time.  A friend recommended a website- skinnytaste.com and I found a recipe there for Summertime Vegetable and Sausage using chicken sausage (surprisingly good), baby red potatoes, peppers and onions.

 I am good with one recipe but to have 4-5 to make throughout the week would be so hard for me- maybe my next challenge? I am making a roast in the crock pot for tonight because I had taken the roast out the freezer on Tuesday and I had the onion and potatoes.  I am scared to check the calories for the amount of this beef I want to eat (my favorite all time food).  But I have a training tonight and I am trying to conserve some of my calories too because I am pretty sure I will want to dig into it like JLo in the movie, The Back-Up Plan (great movie btw). 

****Side funny story- I had forgotten the name of the movie, but could clearly visualize JLo slopping up stew with 2 peices of bread, so I asked Anna what the name was and she and Kieran are watching it- right now.  WEIRD!!  Beyond creepy (said in my teenagery voice).  Anyway.....

So with a few staples under my belt, I am learning to navigate the world of healthy food.  From past experience, and years of getting to know myself, I am trying not to set myself up for failure.  I am changing the power that food has over me.  

I would welcome any low calorie snack suggestions as this will probably one area right now that will be the most difficult.

Dinners are a bit too daunting for me to tackle completely at the moment.  Baby steps.

Until then, 

Feeding my inner skinny girl

Battle Wounds

According to my training schedule I was to do intervals yesterday- 4 minute walk, 1 minute run, etc. for 25 minutes.  Yesterday was a very frustrating day and I was in a horrible mood when I got home from work so I decided to wait until today to do it and take yesterday off.  I am so glad that I did because after a full Olympics viewing relaxation session last night and a full night sleep, I felt much better this morning and knew that I could get out there and "Just Do it!"  

I set me timer for 4 minutes and started to walk, getting increasingly anxious about the upcoming run.  When the timer went off I was faced with running right into a woman walking her dog.  Feeling very self conscious and embarrassed I waited until I passed her to start running.  I stared at the sidewalk and willed the minute to be over and soon it was! I got to the point in the neighborhood that I felt like I wouldn't see anyone I knew and could run without fear of humiliation.

After the 3rd interval of running, I knew I was done and couldn't do another one so I walked the rest of the way willing myself home.  My cheerleaders, Shannon and Alyssa, kept me going with their words of encouragement.  Having a support system is so important!  

Coming down my street, I began to feel a blister forming on my heel and knew I was in trouble.  I had purchased $10.00 socks at Charm City Run but haven't been able to find them- I must have hidden them really well.  I now realize the importance of good running shoes AND socks! I have a feeling this adventure is going to cost me more money- I now want a timer watch to keep track of my intervals. holding onto my phone to operate the timer was a pain.

So anyway, what I learned today:

1. I am going to do this!

2. I am going to do this!

3. I am going to do this!

4. Blisters suck!

I have also been counting calories and keeping track of them on an APP called My Fitness Pal.  I love this app!  It has a cool scanner that scans the bar code on packages and automatically calculates the calories!  I started on Friday and can already feel a BIG difference in my body!!  I won't weigh myself until this Friday but I know there will be a nice loss to report :)

In less than a week I have totally transformed my body, mind and spirit!  I know that I will do this, pretty sure I will hate it some times, but the end result will be amazing and I can't wait for the day that I can wear an outfit that I don't feel completely self conscious in.

Until then,

Just Do it!