| Part of Speech: | noun |
| Definition: | determination, strong will |
| Synonyms: | aim, boldness, constancy, courage, dauntlessness, decidedness, decision, declaration, dedication, doggedness, earnestness, energy, firmness, fixed purpose, fortitude, guts*, heart*, immovability, intent, intention, judgment, mettle, moxie*, obstinacy, perseverance, pluck, purpose, purposefulness, purposiveness, relentlessness, resoluteness, resolve, settlement, sincerity, spirit, spunk, staunchness, staying power, steadfastness, stubbornness, tenacity, verdict, willpower It comes that time of year when new resolutions are made, some are quickly forgotten, others painfully slip away and still others are hard won. I looked up the definition of resoltuion and I love the synonyms given. I wasn't going to make a resolution until I read the synonyms and determined that my resolutions were already made, in fact they were made on July 29, 2012 and if you are a follower of this blog then you know what it is. My favorite synonyms that I will carry into the new year are "staying power", "constancy" and "fortitude". I actually had to look up the definition of fortitude and I love it- "Courage in pain or adversity." I also like the synonym "pluck" but only because I think it is a funny word. When I looked up the definition it means, "To take hold of and quickly remove from its place" and also "spritited and determined courage". I like this word even more now. So no, I am not making resolutions in the tradition sense that NYE often forces people to do. I am not going to list all the things I will or will not do in 2013. Instead I will forge into 2013 with the staying power and constancy needed to continue the journey I started in 2012. I will face challenges with pluck and fortitude. I am very excited to meet the person I will be on December 31, 2013. Until then, Keep Calm and Pluck on!  |
Sunday, December 30, 2012
To Resolve or not to Resolve
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Choices, Chances and Changes
Before this week, I was hoping to have hit that pivitol 20 pound mark. I was so close to my 20 pound weight loss and I thought Christmas was a great goal for that.
Then this week hit. Saturday my family went out to lunch for my Dad's birthday, Saturday night we had dinner at my neighbor's Christmas party. Sunday we celebrated Christmas with my girl's stepmother, Monday was Christmas Eve celebrations at our family friends and Tuesday was Christmas. Well I quickly realized that I was putting too much pressure on myself and setting myself up for failure. While I did make good choices at all of these events, I also was eating out of my normal routine and eating things that I normally wouldn't have eaten. Therefore, I have not gotten on the scale since last Friday and I am happy with that decision.
There is no doubt in my mind that I will get back on track and hit the 20 pound mark soon enough. By not putting that kind of pressure on myself, I was able to fully enjoy the holiday and everything that came along with it- including my Mom's chocolate pie.
I am feeling healthier, my mind is clearer and I am happier than I have been in many many years. This is a big win for me, aside from what the scale says.
I am still keeping my eye on the prize and with that comes the realization that the prize does not have a date attached to it. My original goals are still the same- to be thinner by next summer, to be comfortable with my body and to be able to wear cute work out clothes without looking like the Michelin Man. I am still on that journey and am very proud of myself and my accomplishments.
When I started this, knowing myself so well, it was never my goal to be an uber fit, running fanatic, who knows the calorie count of everything and talk about weightloss and exercising related to every topic- I can't stand that and never have aspired to be that person. If I want to eat full fat butter, or put sugar in my coffee then I am going to do it. I didn't get fat by eating full fat ice cream or popcorn with butter every now and then and I am not making those little changes in my diet now. I got fat by eating too much of everything and being a couch potato. The key to weight loss is to eat less and move more- that is it- period!
So my journey continues, some weeks will be harder than others. Some days I may not walk or count my calories, but others I will and in the long run I will lose weight and be healthier and reach my goal this summer- of this I have no doubt.
So for now, I am enjoying my week off of work, no questions asked, no worries, no pressure. I will make good choices but ultimately I will enjoy this little gift- time with my family, time to myself and time to reflect on this years journey. Before I know it, I will be back to work, back to my regular routine and back to counting calories and pushing myself to run a little bit more every time I get on the treadmill.
Until then,
Smiling at my accomplishments so far
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Truth and Progress
"We don't get to choose what is true. We only get to choose what we do about it."
I read this is a book and immediately copied it down and thought just how many things I can apply this to in my life. I was overweight and unhealthy- truth. For too long I didn't do anything but complain about it and hope it would change, but truth is funny like that- it doesn't change just because we want it to. The only thing I had control over was what I was going to do about it.
And it has been hard there is no doubt about it. This journey is not about it being easy, it is about changing my truth. What do I want my truth to be next July- that was the driving motivation for me when I started, still is.
The only way I am going to get there is step by step progress. It may not be pretty, it certainly won't be perfect but as long as there is progress then I am on the right path.
Today I saw that progress.
I had not walked for 2 or 3 days and I knew that I had to walk tonight and I was actually looking forward to it. My routine has been to watch The Ellen Show while I walk 2.5 miles and it takes me about 45 minutes to do both. After walking for a few minutes, I decided to run for a bit. I have done some 30/30 intervals recently and the last time I walked, I ran for 3 minutes straight. I decided today to push it to 5 minutes since my shin splints are not bothering me and I just knew I could do it. Plus I really wanted to text my cheerleader, Shannon, and tell her I ran for 5 minutes. HA that's motivation.
I did it- ran at a speed of 3.7 for 5 minutes. I remember when I first started walking on the treadmill my speed was between 2.7 and 3.0 and I have been slowly increasing it and was able to stay around 3.7 for about 10 minutes (running for 5) before I took it down to 3.2 and then 3.0 for the rest of the walk. Now THAT is progress.
I remember very well back to August when I could barely walk for 5 minutes without my shins hurting and wanting to give up. Now I am running for 5 minutes. I think the first time I ran, it was for a minute and I thought I was going to die.
Progress is made in steps, literally, and each step is toward a goal. Keeping my eye on the prize and never refusing to give up! I have 4 more pounds to lose before I reach 20 pounds gone and I am hoping to lose them by Christmas- that gives me 7 days. Not totally impossible but I am also not setting myself up for failure- ANY loss will be progress and I will be happy and any way you look at it- the progress I have made since starting this journey in July is a Christmas miracle!
My truth is that I am making progress. What I am choosing to do about it is to continue to make progress!
Until then,
Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas
I read this is a book and immediately copied it down and thought just how many things I can apply this to in my life. I was overweight and unhealthy- truth. For too long I didn't do anything but complain about it and hope it would change, but truth is funny like that- it doesn't change just because we want it to. The only thing I had control over was what I was going to do about it.
And it has been hard there is no doubt about it. This journey is not about it being easy, it is about changing my truth. What do I want my truth to be next July- that was the driving motivation for me when I started, still is.
The only way I am going to get there is step by step progress. It may not be pretty, it certainly won't be perfect but as long as there is progress then I am on the right path.
I had not walked for 2 or 3 days and I knew that I had to walk tonight and I was actually looking forward to it. My routine has been to watch The Ellen Show while I walk 2.5 miles and it takes me about 45 minutes to do both. After walking for a few minutes, I decided to run for a bit. I have done some 30/30 intervals recently and the last time I walked, I ran for 3 minutes straight. I decided today to push it to 5 minutes since my shin splints are not bothering me and I just knew I could do it. Plus I really wanted to text my cheerleader, Shannon, and tell her I ran for 5 minutes. HA that's motivation.
I did it- ran at a speed of 3.7 for 5 minutes. I remember when I first started walking on the treadmill my speed was between 2.7 and 3.0 and I have been slowly increasing it and was able to stay around 3.7 for about 10 minutes (running for 5) before I took it down to 3.2 and then 3.0 for the rest of the walk. Now THAT is progress.
I remember very well back to August when I could barely walk for 5 minutes without my shins hurting and wanting to give up. Now I am running for 5 minutes. I think the first time I ran, it was for a minute and I thought I was going to die.
Progress is made in steps, literally, and each step is toward a goal. Keeping my eye on the prize and never refusing to give up! I have 4 more pounds to lose before I reach 20 pounds gone and I am hoping to lose them by Christmas- that gives me 7 days. Not totally impossible but I am also not setting myself up for failure- ANY loss will be progress and I will be happy and any way you look at it- the progress I have made since starting this journey in July is a Christmas miracle!
Until then,
Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Jingle All The Way (Tales of my second 5K)
I did it! I completed my second 5K and it almost didn't happen!
When I woke up I could hear the rain coming down outside. WHAT? I must have missed something- were they calling for rain? I hadn't even considered rain as a possibility but I knew one thing- I was screwed.
I have no rain coat and no running rain gear- my goal is to look cute in running clothes and since that hasn't happened yet, I don't have the appropriate attire and have to make due with what I do have and it really doesn't cover rain.
Michelle called and we decided that we would go and see what the rain did but that if it was really raining at the start we wouldn't do it. I was ok with that. I think that little voice in the back of my head (The devil voice) was secretly hoping that it would down pour.
But we went and even though it rained the whole way down, we were able to go inside the arena which was nice as we still had about 40 minutes before the start. The bad part of this was that we couldn't see outside to know if it was raining- thankfully I had my radar app and kept a close eye on it.
I wish I had taken a picture of the radar because right at 8:50 it was like a dry bubble opened up over Baltimore City and we knew we were in.
 |
| Inside the area- how cute are we? |
As we wound around the park, the runners were coming down the other way past us. I watched them longingly and thought maybe one day. As I came back out of the park I had reached mile 2. I felt really good at this point and was hoping to run a bit, after I conquered the hill up ahead.
So the downhill portion began and I could almost see the finish. The only problem was the lane was narrow and the crowds denser. I couldn't get around them to even attempt to run, which I was thinking I might want to do. I looked at my phone and realized that if I wanted to come in under my Run to Remember time I would have to pick it up. This became my new goal and I squeezed between a cell phone playing girl and a car and walked a bit faster. I took my phone out and watched the seconds click by as I briskly made it into the arena and the finish line! 53.50! I did it- .76 seconds faster than the Run to Remember- my first PR (which I now know means personal record).
Even as I sit here now, I feel great! After the Run to Remember I wasn't sure I could do another one- now I KNOW I can and I will. Maybe by spring I will be ready to run some of it- a new goal! :)
If not, I am happy to be a fast walker, as long as I start and finish, that is all that matters.
Until then,
off to decorate the parents tree!
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
I Won't Give Up
"I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stakeWe had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am."
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stakeWe had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am."
Jason Mraz
When I sat down at the computer tonight, I started Pandora to my station that I have created of all my favorite songs and Jason Mraz, I Won't Give Up started playing.
Now this song is about a relationship, and I have always loved it and thought longingly about the relationship I will have one day whenever I hear it. Well tonight it took on a different meaning- my relationship with this journey that I am on.
I won't give up- there will be times that I will lose my way but in the end "I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make." I am in a relationship with this journey that I am on and I intend to stick it out and never give up.
I have definitly developed a realtionship with the treadmill, maybe a love hate one but definitly a relationship. I have consistently walked 2 miles everyday this week and today pushed myself a little harder and went .2 farther.
When I first start walking I always think about how far I have to go and how much I hate it and I will never be able to hang in there and walk for 40 minutes and it is never going to end. Then I sort of get in my groove and settle in for the haul. Yesterday and today I even did 30/30 intervals for about 15 minutes (run for 30 seconds, walk for 30 seconds) and it was so much easier than attempting to just run until I can't anymore. Dare I say that I actually liked it? Oh the horrors - if myself from last summer could see me now!! A BIG thank you to my cheerleader, Shannon, for pushing me toward this and her continued support and encouragement along this journey. She is always there to urge me back into it when I have gotten lazy and I will forever be greatful! Shannon also runs 30/30 intervals and I can only hope to one day have the endurance that she does. But for now, I am immensly happy with my progress and my developing relationship with my treadmill!
So it's back at it and it really feels good. I am more motivated and ready to see the results on the scale again- it has been too long. Even though I haven't really gained per say- I have played with the same 2 pounds now for weeks- I am more than ready to bid good riddance to those pesky 2 pounds and then add more to it. The fact that I have developed a relationship with the treadmill that is working for me is going to make it so much easier because finding good food choices that I am just not sick and tired of has been a challenge. I will detail this better in my next blog post as I think I need to flesh it out a bit- oh watermelon and tomato sandwhiches how I miss you!
Until then,
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
It's All About the Preparation
I have never been good at organization. I am horrible at putting things back where they belong, organizing meals, keeping track of important things etc. It is all just overwhelming to me. It has taken me a long time to embrace this about myself.
I call it the "coupon effect". I have always longed to be able to use coupons but every time I try, it is a huge fail. I spend way too much time in the grocery store going back and forth between aisles trying to get all of the items that I have coupons for. Don't even get me started on the whole math aspect of it- that is for another post. Inevitably by the time I get to the cashier, I forget to give him or her the coupons. All in all it is one big emotionally frustrating mess. Couponing parallels alot of other areas of my life too. ADHD much? Yeah I think so.
So what does this have to do with this journey that I am on?
Enter the treadmill.
The first time I walked on the treadmill, I forgot my water bottle. Now I was in the den, with the sliding glass door closed and my children were God knows where. I didn't want to stop because I knew that the inner workings of my brain would take over and all hopes of walking 2 miles would be lost. It is such a mental game to stay on the darn thing as it is. Finally Grace ran by through the kitchen and I was able to scream to her over the loud TV and gears of the treadmill and she brought me my water.
The next time I was on the treadmill I forgot to pull my hair up which completely annoyed me. Anna was watching TV but did not have a ponytail holder. Now anyone other than a teenager would have gone and found one for their mother who does everything for them, but NO I live with a teenager and have to embrace the "it's all about me" attitude or die trying to change it. Yeah she didn't even offer to go get me one.
Well today was no different. I thought I had it all together. I spent extra time making sure I had everything- water bottle- check. TV remote- check. Phone and IPAD (in case I wanted to read)- check. Hair back- check. I was set!
The walk started out well, I increased my speed to a point where I thought that maybe I could run for a few minutes. I had successfully run for about a minute several times throughout my other walks and I was hoping to increase it today.
FAIL
I bet you cannot guess why. Believe me, it was epic!
As soon as I began to run I quickly remembered my bra choice that morning. Yup it was my old, warn out, no support, wear it when I am lazy bra. I will spare you the painful details but it wasn't pretty.
So once again I thought I had all the "coupons" I needed and once again I was disappointed in the end results.
However, I can report that what was going to be a 1 mile walk turned into a 1.5 mile walk which then became a full 2 mile walk! The first mile was pretty bad. I started out too fast and with my boob fail I thought there is no way I was even making it to a mile. I slowed it way down and was able to keep up a good pace through that mile. Survivor was keeping my company and before the reward challenge was over I was at 1.6 miles. Having moved past the 1.5 point, I thought what the heck I might as well hang in there for the full 2 miles. After all, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I need to burn as many calories as possible.
I plan to walk again tomorrow before all the festivities and you can bet your bippy I will have my sports bra on!
Until then,
Reevaluating my supply list
I call it the "coupon effect". I have always longed to be able to use coupons but every time I try, it is a huge fail. I spend way too much time in the grocery store going back and forth between aisles trying to get all of the items that I have coupons for. Don't even get me started on the whole math aspect of it- that is for another post. Inevitably by the time I get to the cashier, I forget to give him or her the coupons. All in all it is one big emotionally frustrating mess. Couponing parallels alot of other areas of my life too. ADHD much? Yeah I think so.
So what does this have to do with this journey that I am on?
Enter the treadmill.
The first time I walked on the treadmill, I forgot my water bottle. Now I was in the den, with the sliding glass door closed and my children were God knows where. I didn't want to stop because I knew that the inner workings of my brain would take over and all hopes of walking 2 miles would be lost. It is such a mental game to stay on the darn thing as it is. Finally Grace ran by through the kitchen and I was able to scream to her over the loud TV and gears of the treadmill and she brought me my water.
The next time I was on the treadmill I forgot to pull my hair up which completely annoyed me. Anna was watching TV but did not have a ponytail holder. Now anyone other than a teenager would have gone and found one for their mother who does everything for them, but NO I live with a teenager and have to embrace the "it's all about me" attitude or die trying to change it. Yeah she didn't even offer to go get me one.
Well today was no different. I thought I had it all together. I spent extra time making sure I had everything- water bottle- check. TV remote- check. Phone and IPAD (in case I wanted to read)- check. Hair back- check. I was set!
The walk started out well, I increased my speed to a point where I thought that maybe I could run for a few minutes. I had successfully run for about a minute several times throughout my other walks and I was hoping to increase it today.
FAIL
I bet you cannot guess why. Believe me, it was epic!
As soon as I began to run I quickly remembered my bra choice that morning. Yup it was my old, warn out, no support, wear it when I am lazy bra. I will spare you the painful details but it wasn't pretty.
So once again I thought I had all the "coupons" I needed and once again I was disappointed in the end results.
However, I can report that what was going to be a 1 mile walk turned into a 1.5 mile walk which then became a full 2 mile walk! The first mile was pretty bad. I started out too fast and with my boob fail I thought there is no way I was even making it to a mile. I slowed it way down and was able to keep up a good pace through that mile. Survivor was keeping my company and before the reward challenge was over I was at 1.6 miles. Having moved past the 1.5 point, I thought what the heck I might as well hang in there for the full 2 miles. After all, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I need to burn as many calories as possible.
I plan to walk again tomorrow before all the festivities and you can bet your bippy I will have my sports bra on!
Until then,
Reevaluating my supply list
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Don't Tread on Me
Several months ago my Mom asked me if I wanted their treadmill. This immediately sent me into panic mode!
1. I would have to find a place for it in my overly cluttered small house that is already overloaded with crap in every room.
2. If I took it then I would HAVE to use it, which creates another whole anxiety list.
3. How would I get it from her basement to my house, after all I don't have a truck, a husband or boyfriend to help.
4. Was I THAT committed to walking?
So I politely declined, not ready to overload my brain with any of the aforementioned stresses.
Then fall hit and I was "falling" behind in my walking and weight loss. I have pretty much stayed the same weight the whole month of October, this is not acceptable. It was becoming harder to find daylight time to walk and as much as I detest walking in the heat and sweating, I have found that I dislike walking in the cold almost as much.
So begrudgingly I decided that if I were to continue on this weight loss journey I would have to take my parents up on their offer of a "free" treadmill.
Once I made up my mind and told my Mom that I wanted it, I started the ball rolling.
I knew that the only place I might be able to find room for it was in the den and it would have to be in a room with a TV in order for there to be even a remote chance of success.
Now I am not a spacial person, you should see me try to fit leftovers in Tupperware- I inevitably choose one that is too small or way too large. I spent several days looking over my den and trying to visualize just where it would go. I thought I had it all figured out.
I bribed my neighbor with wine and he was all too willing to help- a God send.
So on Saturday night( yes we waited until it was dark- brilliant move on our part), Kevin and I drove over to my parents house in his truck.
Thankfully the treadmill was in the basement right next to an outside door. Kevin and I each took a side and tried lifting it. I was ready to give up right then and there, I could not see how we were going to move it, let alone get it up the steps. Kevin was not so dissuaded. He was determined to do this thing.
We were able to get it over to the steps but were snared by the door jam, we couldn't get the door open far enough to get it through. Once again, I was ready to pack it in, oh well we tried! Kevin, not so much- he brutely moved 2 cabinets out of the way so that the door would open wider and instructed me on how to maneuver it through the door.
Once we had it out the door I thought once again that all hope was lost. How were we going to get it up the steps? I went through the house and out the back door to grab the top while Kevin hefted from the bottom. Surprisingly we were able to get it to the top! Both of us, huffing and puffing took a break while we contemplated getting it down the small hill and into the truck.
Luckily it had wheels. I pushed and Kevin pulled as we wheeled it over the grass and down the hill. One more manly heave and we had it in the back of the truck! I don't think our breathing returned to normal until we were almost home.
My house was a bit easier, over the grass to the backyard and in through the sliding glass door right in to the den! We plopped it right in the door and I defiantly announced that I was DONE. After all I had not cleared a spot for it and was not willing to exert myself anymore, it was Saturday night after all. We spent the rest of the evening drinking wine on the porch! Success!!
All of this meant that I would have to spend today trying to figure out where it would go. I started out with my original plan, to put it alongside the couch. Epic fail- it completely blocked the steps forcing anyone coming down the 2 steps into the den to walk over the treadmill to get around.
On to plan B, which required me to remove a table and a ton of junk from the corner (which is still sitting in a pile in the den) and also move a large junk filled cabinet. At first I thought that I would have to move the cabinet into the dining room which sent my mind into another fit of anxiety for several reasons (see #3 above). It would be physically impossible for me to do it alone- damn singlehood.
In a brief moment of clarity I decided to turn the cabinet around and push it up against the other wall praying that it would allow enough room for the treadmill to open up. I had to remove 3 drawers and slowly was able to push it into place. Now for the moment of truth- I moved the treadmill up against the couch and tried to open it. Yeah I think you know where this is going- it bumped into the cabinet.
I assessed the couch situation and saw that I had a little room to move it down the wall a bit- one problem tho- my daughter was asleep on it. I decided to take a bit of a break and wait for her to wake up- this was becoming more of an ordeal than I had bargained for but now I was more determined than ever to get it to work BY MYSELF, muttering my favorite saying in my head- I don't need no stinkin man! (Ok ok I did need one to get it here I know).
I Have to find a place for all the displaced crap
1. I would have to find a place for it in my overly cluttered small house that is already overloaded with crap in every room.
2. If I took it then I would HAVE to use it, which creates another whole anxiety list.
3. How would I get it from her basement to my house, after all I don't have a truck, a husband or boyfriend to help.
4. Was I THAT committed to walking?
So I politely declined, not ready to overload my brain with any of the aforementioned stresses.
Then fall hit and I was "falling" behind in my walking and weight loss. I have pretty much stayed the same weight the whole month of October, this is not acceptable. It was becoming harder to find daylight time to walk and as much as I detest walking in the heat and sweating, I have found that I dislike walking in the cold almost as much.
So begrudgingly I decided that if I were to continue on this weight loss journey I would have to take my parents up on their offer of a "free" treadmill.
Once I made up my mind and told my Mom that I wanted it, I started the ball rolling.
I knew that the only place I might be able to find room for it was in the den and it would have to be in a room with a TV in order for there to be even a remote chance of success.
Now I am not a spacial person, you should see me try to fit leftovers in Tupperware- I inevitably choose one that is too small or way too large. I spent several days looking over my den and trying to visualize just where it would go. I thought I had it all figured out.
I bribed my neighbor with wine and he was all too willing to help- a God send.
So on Saturday night( yes we waited until it was dark- brilliant move on our part), Kevin and I drove over to my parents house in his truck.
Thankfully the treadmill was in the basement right next to an outside door. Kevin and I each took a side and tried lifting it. I was ready to give up right then and there, I could not see how we were going to move it, let alone get it up the steps. Kevin was not so dissuaded. He was determined to do this thing.
We were able to get it over to the steps but were snared by the door jam, we couldn't get the door open far enough to get it through. Once again, I was ready to pack it in, oh well we tried! Kevin, not so much- he brutely moved 2 cabinets out of the way so that the door would open wider and instructed me on how to maneuver it through the door.
Once we had it out the door I thought once again that all hope was lost. How were we going to get it up the steps? I went through the house and out the back door to grab the top while Kevin hefted from the bottom. Surprisingly we were able to get it to the top! Both of us, huffing and puffing took a break while we contemplated getting it down the small hill and into the truck.
Luckily it had wheels. I pushed and Kevin pulled as we wheeled it over the grass and down the hill. One more manly heave and we had it in the back of the truck! I don't think our breathing returned to normal until we were almost home.
My house was a bit easier, over the grass to the backyard and in through the sliding glass door right in to the den! We plopped it right in the door and I defiantly announced that I was DONE. After all I had not cleared a spot for it and was not willing to exert myself anymore, it was Saturday night after all. We spent the rest of the evening drinking wine on the porch! Success!!
All of this meant that I would have to spend today trying to figure out where it would go. I started out with my original plan, to put it alongside the couch. Epic fail- it completely blocked the steps forcing anyone coming down the 2 steps into the den to walk over the treadmill to get around.
On to plan B, which required me to remove a table and a ton of junk from the corner (which is still sitting in a pile in the den) and also move a large junk filled cabinet. At first I thought that I would have to move the cabinet into the dining room which sent my mind into another fit of anxiety for several reasons (see #3 above). It would be physically impossible for me to do it alone- damn singlehood.
In a brief moment of clarity I decided to turn the cabinet around and push it up against the other wall praying that it would allow enough room for the treadmill to open up. I had to remove 3 drawers and slowly was able to push it into place. Now for the moment of truth- I moved the treadmill up against the couch and tried to open it. Yeah I think you know where this is going- it bumped into the cabinet.
I assessed the couch situation and saw that I had a little room to move it down the wall a bit- one problem tho- my daughter was asleep on it. I decided to take a bit of a break and wait for her to wake up- this was becoming more of an ordeal than I had bargained for but now I was more determined than ever to get it to work BY MYSELF, muttering my favorite saying in my head- I don't need no stinkin man! (Ok ok I did need one to get it here I know).
When Anna woke up, I pushed the couch down as far as I could and tried again- ALMOST but not quite. Pushing the couch and then the treadmill closer and closer I kept trying until finally success!!! (although I can't open the bottom drawer of the cabinet, but that is ok it is only filled with note cards and thank you notes and who uses THEM anymore really?). I had done it!!
Now time to walk! I found the movie, We Bought a Zoo, tied my shoes and hopped on.
Now when I walk in the neighborhood I usually average about 3.5 mph so I worked up to that on the treadmill and soon found out that walking on a treadmill is a bit different than on the street. I settled at about 2.7mph and pushed myself to walk 2 miles. I was first going to stop at a mile, then a mile and a half and then decided I would go for the full 2. It took me about 40 minutes. When I hopped off I felt like I was a newborn calf. My legs were jello and I felt a bit lightheaded. Yup walking the treadmill was going to take some getting used to.
I have decided that I will set a goal to walk 1-2 miles a day for as many days a week as I can. Being able to watch TV or play on the ipad while walking is kinda thrilling! Both of the girls have taken a spin on it as well, which is kinda cool (runners in the making?).
So there ya have it, my anxiety filled adventures of getting a treadmill. Was it worth it? I'll tell you about it in a few weeks!
Until then,I Have to find a place for all the displaced crap
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Flashbacks and Political Musings
11-6-2012
Election Day! (More on that later)
I have been on this journey for a little over 3 months (has it really only been 3 months?). At the beginning I struggled to just walk a mile without shin and ankle pain. Now I can walk for 3 miles with no pain and to be honest I never thought I would get there.
So on Saturday when I went for my walk, my shoe untied (this was a first), so I bent down to tie it and not wanting to lose my momentum, when I stood back up my body just started running and I just went with it. I didn't think about it, no inner dialogue took place, I just ran. The smile that emerged was amazing- I WAS RUNNING!!! It didn't last too long because my shins woke up and started screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??" But that was ok because I had run, for probably 2 minutes and I was smiling and amazed. I tried running a few more times but each time my shins perked up and said, "oh no you don't."
Now I could have been discouraged but I had a flashback of sorts to early August when I was plagued with this same pain from walking and I knew that with time, ice and rest, I was able to put those shin screaming to rest.
Today I went back out and thought I would try intervals ( walk a minute, run a minute, etc.) I have an app, recommended by my cheerleader, Shannon. It dings after each minute to alert me to the next interval.
After a 4 minute walking warm-up the bell tolled- and off I was running, right next to a crew of men taking down a tree. I chuckled to myself thinking how dumb I must look but then changed my thoughts knowing that they didn't know me and they weren't on this journey with me and who cares what they thought!. I had this same thought as the ding donged right next to the lady walking the dog and again when the old man was getting out of his car. Each time I raised my head and jogged on, thinking to myself- "Even though I feel like I look like this....
I will keep running on." Those people can stare at my jiggly butt and judge, but at least I am jiggling this butt forward!
I had to concede to my shins after about a mile and walked the rest of the way home satisfied that I was making progress and hopeful that 3 months from now I will be running with no shin pain.
**And now on to political thoughts- If you don't care what my thoughts on gay marriage are then please stop reading- I won't judge you, just like I hope you won't judge me.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a bit impulsive, a bit emotional and some may even say a bit obsessive. When it comes to Facebook I often post impulsively- I think it and then I post it. Yeah sometimes it is even annoying to me but hey, it is who I am.
I have tried to refrain from posting my political views (sometimes unsuccessfully) because I know that there are many of my friends who disagree with my views and I don't like using FB for arguments.
In Maryland this election day we are voting to allow Gay Marylanders the right to marry. It also protects churches that do not believe it is God's will for same sex marriages. Now God and politics shouldn't mix and it is my view that this ammendment protects just that. However, it also protects love, which I know is what God is all about (at least the God I know).
God has given us free will and with that free will we ALL sin- no one is above it. It is God to judge us- PERIOD. Many believe that same sex marriage is a sin and while I do not, I do respect those that do. I believe that God (MY GOD) would never condemn someone to hell for LOVING someone else in a committed, faithful way.
My church has a few openly gay couples who are the most loving, faithful people I know. One couple in particular is at every church function, lending a hand, preaching God's love and raising 2 beautiful children in the church. These children are learning God's love and watching their 2 Dads grow in faith and commitment to each other as well as other people. I applaud my church for allowing these 2 fine men to minister alongside me. I also would love to see them afforded the same rights that I had in my marriage, if not for them then for their children. How can we teach them equality and social justice when they would have to watch their parents denied the rights given to others just because they are practicing their love- don't we teach our children that God made us in his likeness? Does that not apply to these fine men of outstanding character?
I am fully aware that some people do not believe as I do and I respect their beliefs as I would hope they respect mine- but isn't that what Question 6 is all about- allowing those that believe that we are all equal, equal rights under the law, while protecting those that don't believe? I don't own a gun, never will but I respect the rights of those that want to own them. Guns don't kill people- people kill people. Love doesn't discriminate- people do.
If you stayed with me for this rant, thanks- In my own impulsive, obsessive way, I had to get it out and chose this forum to do so. You have the right not to read it or to disagree. You also have the right to vote and express your opinion.
Until then,
Resting up my voting finger
Election Day! (More on that later)
I have been on this journey for a little over 3 months (has it really only been 3 months?). At the beginning I struggled to just walk a mile without shin and ankle pain. Now I can walk for 3 miles with no pain and to be honest I never thought I would get there.
So on Saturday when I went for my walk, my shoe untied (this was a first), so I bent down to tie it and not wanting to lose my momentum, when I stood back up my body just started running and I just went with it. I didn't think about it, no inner dialogue took place, I just ran. The smile that emerged was amazing- I WAS RUNNING!!! It didn't last too long because my shins woke up and started screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??" But that was ok because I had run, for probably 2 minutes and I was smiling and amazed. I tried running a few more times but each time my shins perked up and said, "oh no you don't."
Now I could have been discouraged but I had a flashback of sorts to early August when I was plagued with this same pain from walking and I knew that with time, ice and rest, I was able to put those shin screaming to rest.
Today I went back out and thought I would try intervals ( walk a minute, run a minute, etc.) I have an app, recommended by my cheerleader, Shannon. It dings after each minute to alert me to the next interval.
After a 4 minute walking warm-up the bell tolled- and off I was running, right next to a crew of men taking down a tree. I chuckled to myself thinking how dumb I must look but then changed my thoughts knowing that they didn't know me and they weren't on this journey with me and who cares what they thought!. I had this same thought as the ding donged right next to the lady walking the dog and again when the old man was getting out of his car. Each time I raised my head and jogged on, thinking to myself- "Even though I feel like I look like this....
I had to concede to my shins after about a mile and walked the rest of the way home satisfied that I was making progress and hopeful that 3 months from now I will be running with no shin pain.
**And now on to political thoughts- If you don't care what my thoughts on gay marriage are then please stop reading- I won't judge you, just like I hope you won't judge me.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a bit impulsive, a bit emotional and some may even say a bit obsessive. When it comes to Facebook I often post impulsively- I think it and then I post it. Yeah sometimes it is even annoying to me but hey, it is who I am.
I have tried to refrain from posting my political views (sometimes unsuccessfully) because I know that there are many of my friends who disagree with my views and I don't like using FB for arguments.
In Maryland this election day we are voting to allow Gay Marylanders the right to marry. It also protects churches that do not believe it is God's will for same sex marriages. Now God and politics shouldn't mix and it is my view that this ammendment protects just that. However, it also protects love, which I know is what God is all about (at least the God I know).
God has given us free will and with that free will we ALL sin- no one is above it. It is God to judge us- PERIOD. Many believe that same sex marriage is a sin and while I do not, I do respect those that do. I believe that God (MY GOD) would never condemn someone to hell for LOVING someone else in a committed, faithful way.
My church has a few openly gay couples who are the most loving, faithful people I know. One couple in particular is at every church function, lending a hand, preaching God's love and raising 2 beautiful children in the church. These children are learning God's love and watching their 2 Dads grow in faith and commitment to each other as well as other people. I applaud my church for allowing these 2 fine men to minister alongside me. I also would love to see them afforded the same rights that I had in my marriage, if not for them then for their children. How can we teach them equality and social justice when they would have to watch their parents denied the rights given to others just because they are practicing their love- don't we teach our children that God made us in his likeness? Does that not apply to these fine men of outstanding character?
I am fully aware that some people do not believe as I do and I respect their beliefs as I would hope they respect mine- but isn't that what Question 6 is all about- allowing those that believe that we are all equal, equal rights under the law, while protecting those that don't believe? I don't own a gun, never will but I respect the rights of those that want to own them. Guns don't kill people- people kill people. Love doesn't discriminate- people do.
If you stayed with me for this rant, thanks- In my own impulsive, obsessive way, I had to get it out and chose this forum to do so. You have the right not to read it or to disagree. You also have the right to vote and express your opinion.
Until then,
Resting up my voting finger
Friday, November 2, 2012
Survival Mode
Now that Hurricane Sandy has blown through town and wrecked havoc with all of us, I have a few thoughts about how it effected me. When the forecasts were nailed down and it looked imminent that this thing was happening, I immediately went into survival mode. I was convinced that we were going to lose power and several rooms in my house were going to flood. I was uber prepared. First was grocery shopping. I did not buy anything that required a freezer or refrigerator. My cart was full of canned fruits, snacks, spaghettios, oddles of Noodles, and counting calories was a distant memory.
My second step of survival was to prepare the house. I brought in everything off of my front porch which amounted to an extra chair, table, love seat, storage chest and various wall hangings in my living room. I secured the trash cans and the contents of the backyard and moved on to the basement where I gathered everything of importance off of the floor and placed it as high as I could. Anyone who has seen my basement knows that this is a mean feat because it basically looks like a hurricane just blew threw there already and tossed crap all over the place. 5 flashlights were lined up on the counter ready for action and the girls were piling blankets on the 2 living room couches preparing to sleep as close to Mom as they could get. Grace really enjoyed the extra furniture in the house and took complete control over the porch love seat for 3 days!
Once the house was secure, all that was left to do was wait. I contemplated getting in a quick walk before the rains but quickly reminded myself that I had to be ready at a moments notice to go into protector mode so I decided to "hunker down". There I said it- the most annoying phrase I have ever heard and would continue to hear several times an hour throughout the storm as I obsessively switched between the weather channel and WBAL.
The storm began and along with it came a voracious hunger. It felt like the winds and rain were dredging up some deep desire to gorge myself and boy did I oblige.
I basically spend the entire duration of the storm watching news coverage, eating, checking my sliding glass door which had developed a leak,eating, checking the basement, eating some more and taking the occasional peak outside.
When all was said and done I surveyed the dsurroundings and found that the only damage that Hurricane Sandy had caused in my house was to my diet.
This got me to thinking about survival mode as more and more of my friends began to comment on their own healthy appetite and lack of control over their eating during the storm. Does our body know that we are in survival mode and our appetite responds to it? I can't help but think that our brains are so intricately wired that some minuscule spot somewhere in that mess flips a switch and tells our body to stock up on calories in a strange dooms day hormonal surge.
Read this hysterical blog post that creatively uses GIF pictures that relays the same message: https://email.bcps.org/owa/redir.aspx?C=uEabRs8QgUu720nbui3n9YuNH_rhjM9Icve5rklxRJkLXDFDRyatndmHUTSBo3EQvkO8sOKeVEU.&URL=http%3a%2f%2fupdates.jezebel.com%2fpost%2f34765568302%2fa-new-yorkers-hurricane-experience-as-told-through
Or maybe not. Perhaps my subconscious just took advantage of a lapse in routine and decided to have as much fun as it could until I snapped back to reality. Either way, when I stepped on the scale today, I was screwed. I am not too upset by it, I know that in this year long process, there will be weeks that I gain, there will be lulls in my exercise plan and times that I need to pick myself up, dust myself off and get back on that horse. Today was just that day! Back to counting calories, walking and controlling my mindset so that I can continue on this journey. But somewhere in the far recesses of my mind, a tiny part of me is yelling, "When is the next storm coming?"
Until then,
Munching on my 100 calorie snacks
My second step of survival was to prepare the house. I brought in everything off of my front porch which amounted to an extra chair, table, love seat, storage chest and various wall hangings in my living room. I secured the trash cans and the contents of the backyard and moved on to the basement where I gathered everything of importance off of the floor and placed it as high as I could. Anyone who has seen my basement knows that this is a mean feat because it basically looks like a hurricane just blew threw there already and tossed crap all over the place. 5 flashlights were lined up on the counter ready for action and the girls were piling blankets on the 2 living room couches preparing to sleep as close to Mom as they could get. Grace really enjoyed the extra furniture in the house and took complete control over the porch love seat for 3 days!
Once the house was secure, all that was left to do was wait. I contemplated getting in a quick walk before the rains but quickly reminded myself that I had to be ready at a moments notice to go into protector mode so I decided to "hunker down". There I said it- the most annoying phrase I have ever heard and would continue to hear several times an hour throughout the storm as I obsessively switched between the weather channel and WBAL.
The storm began and along with it came a voracious hunger. It felt like the winds and rain were dredging up some deep desire to gorge myself and boy did I oblige.
I basically spend the entire duration of the storm watching news coverage, eating, checking my sliding glass door which had developed a leak,eating, checking the basement, eating some more and taking the occasional peak outside.
This got me to thinking about survival mode as more and more of my friends began to comment on their own healthy appetite and lack of control over their eating during the storm. Does our body know that we are in survival mode and our appetite responds to it? I can't help but think that our brains are so intricately wired that some minuscule spot somewhere in that mess flips a switch and tells our body to stock up on calories in a strange dooms day hormonal surge.
Read this hysterical blog post that creatively uses GIF pictures that relays the same message: https://email.bcps.org/owa/redir.aspx?C=uEabRs8QgUu720nbui3n9YuNH_rhjM9Icve5rklxRJkLXDFDRyatndmHUTSBo3EQvkO8sOKeVEU.&URL=http%3a%2f%2fupdates.jezebel.com%2fpost%2f34765568302%2fa-new-yorkers-hurricane-experience-as-told-through
Until then,
Munching on my 100 calorie snacks
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Oops I Did It Again
There I go losing my mind again. I have signed up for another 5K. What is WRONG with me? Well I will tell you:
1. I have lost weight.
2. I am feeling healthier.
3. I have set a goal and stuck with it.
4. I am happier
ok ok you get the point! When I look back on the last 12 weeks I cannot believe what I have accomplished and learned not only about myself but also life in general. There were definitly bumps in the road and I still question my sanity daily, but I really think that I have embraced this walking thing and by signing up for another 5K, I am holding myself accountable to train for and finish it.
I also love the saying- "If you want something different, you have to do something different." Had I not made this change then I would be in the same situation I was in last summer, wearing the same tight pants, feeling the same gross, fat, overweight feeling, eating the same foods and feeling pretty miserable about my body.
But I decided that I wanted something different- and I wasn't going to be afraid to give it to myself. I wasn't going to wait for someone to change it for me because years and years of waiting for that to happen taught me something - if you keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different result you will just drive yourself crazy and end up exactly in the same place that you are in.
So I changed, just like that!
As I get older, I am starting to realize that I will get out of life exactly what I put into it and it is time to start getting everything that I want- starting with my body.
So yes, once again, I have lost my mind and once again my life will change because of it and I can't wait to see me on the other side.
Until then,
Let the training begin!
1. I have lost weight.
2. I am feeling healthier.
3. I have set a goal and stuck with it.
4. I am happier
ok ok you get the point! When I look back on the last 12 weeks I cannot believe what I have accomplished and learned not only about myself but also life in general. There were definitly bumps in the road and I still question my sanity daily, but I really think that I have embraced this walking thing and by signing up for another 5K, I am holding myself accountable to train for and finish it.
So I changed, just like that!
As I get older, I am starting to realize that I will get out of life exactly what I put into it and it is time to start getting everything that I want- starting with my body.
So yes, once again, I have lost my mind and once again my life will change because of it and I can't wait to see me on the other side.
Until then,
Let the training begin!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
It's All About the Boobies
Today I was thrilled to participate in the Koman For the Cure Walk as part of Team Halstead, It's All About the Boobies. There were about 22 of us from my school that were participating. Our meeting time was 6:45- yikes! It was easier getting up than I thought, even though it was still pitch black out. I guess I was excited to be walking my second 5K. Most of us met in the Dutch Market parking lot and braved the chill in the air. We had to walk about a mile and a half to the race village. On the walk there we lost half the group and after some texting and reorganizing we were able to meet up again just to stand around and wait. Some in our group were partcipating in the run and left early for that part of the race. The rest of us stood around for while until it was time to walk. I couldn't get over the number of people that were there. They were playing music and the overall festivities were amazing.
When it was time for the walkers we followed the crowds and before we knew it we were just whisked along with everyone else. The sea of people ahead and behind us was just overwhelming. It was quite a different experience than the first time as everyone was just stolling along. It was hard to stay together as a group and as hard as we tried, we just couldn't do it. When we reached the 1 mile mark we decided to keep going but it wasn't too long before we took a detour to head to breakfast. I was with some awesome co-workers who brought their young daughters along and when I heard breakfast food, I was in. It was about another half mile to a mile back to our car and I would say all in all I definitly walked 3 miles if not more. Even though the pace was leisurely, it was still a very nice walk.
We went to the Ashland Cafe where I was happy to feast on eggs, pancakes and bacon without any guilt. It renewed my desire to keep walking and get back into the swing of things. I want to find another 5K to walk in a few months and get back to training. Until today I hadn't walked since my fateful "thriller night" and I am not sure if it was because I was so traumatized, I just got out of the routine or I just haven't had the time.
I am going to make it more of a priority this week and really want to make the time for it but it has just been so difficult. Oh well, another challenge to overcome :)
Until then,
sleeping off the bacon!
When it was time for the walkers we followed the crowds and before we knew it we were just whisked along with everyone else. The sea of people ahead and behind us was just overwhelming. It was quite a different experience than the first time as everyone was just stolling along. It was hard to stay together as a group and as hard as we tried, we just couldn't do it. When we reached the 1 mile mark we decided to keep going but it wasn't too long before we took a detour to head to breakfast. I was with some awesome co-workers who brought their young daughters along and when I heard breakfast food, I was in. It was about another half mile to a mile back to our car and I would say all in all I definitly walked 3 miles if not more. Even though the pace was leisurely, it was still a very nice walk.
We went to the Ashland Cafe where I was happy to feast on eggs, pancakes and bacon without any guilt. It renewed my desire to keep walking and get back into the swing of things. I want to find another 5K to walk in a few months and get back to training. Until today I hadn't walked since my fateful "thriller night" and I am not sure if it was because I was so traumatized, I just got out of the routine or I just haven't had the time.
I am going to make it more of a priority this week and really want to make the time for it but it has just been so difficult. Oh well, another challenge to overcome :)
Until then,
sleeping off the bacon!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
It's Close to Midnight and Something Evil's Lurking in the Dark
After not eating well this week and not walking either I was bound and determined to walk today. First I had to drive my Daddy to work and then take Grace to gymnastics. By the time I got home I was starving and had to eat. So I enjoys some soup while watching The Ellen Show and gave my food time to digest.
The sun was starting to go down so I quickly dressed and started for the door. Only to be stopped by my lovely teenage daughter who was frantically trying to complete her homework and print something. Being the good mother that I am I stopped to help her as I watched twilight decend out the window.
Giving in to frustration I told her I had to go and stomped out the door. By this time the street lights were on.
It didn't take long after I left my street for the willies to set in. Every dog that barked, car that passed me or person taking the garbage out was coming to get me. The newspaper headlines kept running through my mind, "Parkville Mother of Two Abducted on an Evening Stroll." or "Grisley Remains of Local Jogger Found in the Fields behind School." The further I went the more I was convinced I wouldn't make it home.
I turned around and picked up my pace to just make it back to my street alive. Now I am not an overly suspicious person by nature. I don't like horror movies, not because I get scared but because I just don't enjoy the feelings of watching them. It isn't pleasant or fun to me.
I was more terrified of the unfortunate world in which we live in that share these unpleasant realities all too often. So here I sit on my beloved porch typing out my tale on my phone thankful that I made it home but completely discouraged that I didn't get my usual 2miles in (I barely made it a mile).
Oh well I have to say. I just have to have at it again tomorrow and hope that I can get back on track this week. I am completely worried about this getting dark early thing now because I know I won't walk in the dark again and even with the best intentions I won't get out of bed in the morning to walk. So I am going to have to find a walking or exercise program on TV to keep me going and I am not at all happy about that. But I have learned since I started this that nothing comes easy or without pain and challenge and sacrifice and I must learn to adapt. I may gain some weight back or not lose any for a few weeks but my resolve to finish this will set me back on the right path. As I have said before, I am keeping my eye on that prize and oh what a prize it will be!!
So until then,
Enjoy the lyrics to Thriller
It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark
Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes
You're paralyzed
'Cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no one's gonna save you from the beast about strike
You know it's thriller, thriller night
You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight
You hear the door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run
You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination, girl!
But all the while you hear the creature creeping up behind
You're out of time
'Cause this is thriller, thriller night
There ain't no second chance against the thing with forty eyes, girl
Thriller, thriller night
You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight
Night creatures calling, the dead start to walk in their masquerade
There's no escaping the jaws of the alien this time
(They're open wide)
This is the end of your life
They're out to get you, there's demons closing in on every side
They will possess you unless you change that number on your dial
Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together, yeah
All through the night I'll save you from the terror on the screen
I'll make you see
That this is thriller, thriller night
'Cause I can thrill you more than any ghost would ever dare try
Thriller, thriller night
So let me hold you tight and share a
Killer, diller, chiller, thriller here tonight
'Cause this is thriller, thriller night
Girl, I can thrill you more than any ghost would ever dare try
Thriller, thriller night
So let me hold you tight and share a killer, thriller, ow!
(I'm gonna thrill ya tonight)
Darkness falls across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize y'alls neighborhood
I'm gonna thrill ya tonight, ooh baby
I'm gonna thrill ya tonight, oh darlin'
Thriller night, baby, ooh!
The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of forty thousand years
And grizzly ghouls from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller
The sun was starting to go down so I quickly dressed and started for the door. Only to be stopped by my lovely teenage daughter who was frantically trying to complete her homework and print something. Being the good mother that I am I stopped to help her as I watched twilight decend out the window.
Giving in to frustration I told her I had to go and stomped out the door. By this time the street lights were on.
It didn't take long after I left my street for the willies to set in. Every dog that barked, car that passed me or person taking the garbage out was coming to get me. The newspaper headlines kept running through my mind, "Parkville Mother of Two Abducted on an Evening Stroll." or "Grisley Remains of Local Jogger Found in the Fields behind School." The further I went the more I was convinced I wouldn't make it home.
I turned around and picked up my pace to just make it back to my street alive. Now I am not an overly suspicious person by nature. I don't like horror movies, not because I get scared but because I just don't enjoy the feelings of watching them. It isn't pleasant or fun to me.
I was more terrified of the unfortunate world in which we live in that share these unpleasant realities all too often. So here I sit on my beloved porch typing out my tale on my phone thankful that I made it home but completely discouraged that I didn't get my usual 2miles in (I barely made it a mile).
Oh well I have to say. I just have to have at it again tomorrow and hope that I can get back on track this week. I am completely worried about this getting dark early thing now because I know I won't walk in the dark again and even with the best intentions I won't get out of bed in the morning to walk. So I am going to have to find a walking or exercise program on TV to keep me going and I am not at all happy about that. But I have learned since I started this that nothing comes easy or without pain and challenge and sacrifice and I must learn to adapt. I may gain some weight back or not lose any for a few weeks but my resolve to finish this will set me back on the right path. As I have said before, I am keeping my eye on that prize and oh what a prize it will be!!
So until then,
Enjoy the lyrics to Thriller
It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark
Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes
You're paralyzed
'Cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no one's gonna save you from the beast about strike
You know it's thriller, thriller night
You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight
You hear the door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run
You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination, girl!
But all the while you hear the creature creeping up behind
You're out of time
'Cause this is thriller, thriller night
There ain't no second chance against the thing with forty eyes, girl
Thriller, thriller night
You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight
Night creatures calling, the dead start to walk in their masquerade
There's no escaping the jaws of the alien this time
(They're open wide)
This is the end of your life
They're out to get you, there's demons closing in on every side
They will possess you unless you change that number on your dial
Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together, yeah
All through the night I'll save you from the terror on the screen
I'll make you see
That this is thriller, thriller night
'Cause I can thrill you more than any ghost would ever dare try
Thriller, thriller night
So let me hold you tight and share a
Killer, diller, chiller, thriller here tonight
'Cause this is thriller, thriller night
Girl, I can thrill you more than any ghost would ever dare try
Thriller, thriller night
So let me hold you tight and share a killer, thriller, ow!
(I'm gonna thrill ya tonight)
Darkness falls across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize y'alls neighborhood
I'm gonna thrill ya tonight, ooh baby
I'm gonna thrill ya tonight, oh darlin'
Thriller night, baby, ooh!
The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of forty thousand years
And grizzly ghouls from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Stressed Spelled Backwards is Desserts
So I have kinda been all over the place lately. I have been stuck somewhere around 15 pounds down. Some mornings I get up and weigh myself and I am a little more and other mornings a little less. (lesson learned- don't weigh yourself everyday).
This week has been high high stress for me which in turn equal high high calorie intake. You see I am a stress eater. Well, and a lonely eater, and a bored eater and a celebratory eater and pretty much every other reason there is to eat other than hunger. This is why I have gained 30 pounds in the past 5 years.
Now that I am back to work full time after a wonderful summer off, the stress is beginning to pile on. The stress falls into 2 categories- Money and children. Thankfully work hasn't been a major source of stress, at least not once I walk out the doors- I have become exceedingly good at leaving work at work, always have been since Anna was born.
So that leaves money and children. Oh where to begin. First with the big green wads of bills that I am lacking- I have successfully figured out how to live a full week on $50.00. When that is ALL that you have to your name you just figure it out. Let's just say that I hope to never have to relive this week again, EVER. With the cost of EVERYTHING going up and my paycheck staying the same I have found that just paying bills and feeding my family is a major struggle that is requiring much thought and planning on my part to just make ends wave at each other, arms outstretched, hoping to one day meet. It is so frustrating to have the equivalent of 2 masters degrees and not be able to support this little family of 3. But as the saying goes- "Put on your big girl panties" or is it "This, too, shall pass"? Maybe I am looking for the one that says "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Whatever cliche I am looking for I haven't quite found the one that puts 5,000.00 more dollars in my checking account a month. Hence stresser #1.
So now on to stresser #2 (have I lost you yet? Are you rolling your eyes at me and my complaining yet? I do have a point and will hopefully get to it soon so hang in there). Children- my 2 lovely, amazing, beautiful children that I made (in the dark haahaa). How is it that these wonderful creatures can cause me so much anquish and frustration? Oh let me count the ways:
1. The refusal to lift a finger to help around the house creating more mess for the Mama.
2. The endless questions and need for "things" that I must buy (see stresser #1).
3. The sicknesses and the attention that requires.
4. Homework (The Bain of My Existence!!!) If you have ever tried to help your child through math homework when they have given up, are tired and just don't want to hear another word from their "teacher" mother then you know what I mean on this one. Oh the fights are nasty and I struggle to squash my inner teacher voice constantly.
5. Dinner- planning it, making it, cleaning it up, fighting my picky child who refuses to eat what I make.
I think I will stop there but could go on and on and on.....
So this week has been pretty stressful (have I mentioned that?) and when Kristin gets stressed Kristin eats. Period, end of blog, point made.
SO I can hear you out there in blog land saying to yourself- "Walking is a great stress reliever." Yup I know, I know and I have walked this week, maybe once, but between the rain, After school activities, Grace being sick, me catching her cold and everything else that has piled on I haven't been able to walk as much as I would have liked which = more stress.
So what's my plan? Cause this stress sure ain't going anywhere, and wait, what is that I see around the corner? More stress of the unknown, as yet undiscovered, variety? Yup I am sure it is just there lurking. So (if you have stayed with me thus far, and I am not really sure at this point why you would have, but if you have) here is my plan:
Wake up tomorrow and figure it out all over again. Walk if I can. Count my calories and take a breather when I have to. Think about everything I am putting in my mouth and above all- forgive myself if I go astray and then get back on the proverbial horse and ride on through. There will be days that I just eat to make myself feel better and I cannot let those days cause me more stress by beating myself up because then it becomes the viscious circle of stress>eat>stress>eat and so on until I step on the scale and wonder how I possibly put all that weight on. This is my journey and there will be mistakes, there will be stress, there will be setbacks but one thing I can guarentee you- I will NOT be giving up. No one is without stress. No one is without trials and setbacks. And no one or nothing will destroy the power, the will and the detemination I have to keep moving forward!!!!
This week has been high high stress for me which in turn equal high high calorie intake. You see I am a stress eater. Well, and a lonely eater, and a bored eater and a celebratory eater and pretty much every other reason there is to eat other than hunger. This is why I have gained 30 pounds in the past 5 years.
Now that I am back to work full time after a wonderful summer off, the stress is beginning to pile on. The stress falls into 2 categories- Money and children. Thankfully work hasn't been a major source of stress, at least not once I walk out the doors- I have become exceedingly good at leaving work at work, always have been since Anna was born.
So that leaves money and children. Oh where to begin. First with the big green wads of bills that I am lacking- I have successfully figured out how to live a full week on $50.00. When that is ALL that you have to your name you just figure it out. Let's just say that I hope to never have to relive this week again, EVER. With the cost of EVERYTHING going up and my paycheck staying the same I have found that just paying bills and feeding my family is a major struggle that is requiring much thought and planning on my part to just make ends wave at each other, arms outstretched, hoping to one day meet. It is so frustrating to have the equivalent of 2 masters degrees and not be able to support this little family of 3. But as the saying goes- "Put on your big girl panties" or is it "This, too, shall pass"? Maybe I am looking for the one that says "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Whatever cliche I am looking for I haven't quite found the one that puts 5,000.00 more dollars in my checking account a month. Hence stresser #1.
So now on to stresser #2 (have I lost you yet? Are you rolling your eyes at me and my complaining yet? I do have a point and will hopefully get to it soon so hang in there). Children- my 2 lovely, amazing, beautiful children that I made (in the dark haahaa). How is it that these wonderful creatures can cause me so much anquish and frustration? Oh let me count the ways:
1. The refusal to lift a finger to help around the house creating more mess for the Mama.
2. The endless questions and need for "things" that I must buy (see stresser #1).
3. The sicknesses and the attention that requires.
4. Homework (The Bain of My Existence!!!) If you have ever tried to help your child through math homework when they have given up, are tired and just don't want to hear another word from their "teacher" mother then you know what I mean on this one. Oh the fights are nasty and I struggle to squash my inner teacher voice constantly.
5. Dinner- planning it, making it, cleaning it up, fighting my picky child who refuses to eat what I make.
I think I will stop there but could go on and on and on.....
So this week has been pretty stressful (have I mentioned that?) and when Kristin gets stressed Kristin eats. Period, end of blog, point made.
SO I can hear you out there in blog land saying to yourself- "Walking is a great stress reliever." Yup I know, I know and I have walked this week, maybe once, but between the rain, After school activities, Grace being sick, me catching her cold and everything else that has piled on I haven't been able to walk as much as I would have liked which = more stress.
So what's my plan? Cause this stress sure ain't going anywhere, and wait, what is that I see around the corner? More stress of the unknown, as yet undiscovered, variety? Yup I am sure it is just there lurking. So (if you have stayed with me thus far, and I am not really sure at this point why you would have, but if you have) here is my plan:
Wake up tomorrow and figure it out all over again. Walk if I can. Count my calories and take a breather when I have to. Think about everything I am putting in my mouth and above all- forgive myself if I go astray and then get back on the proverbial horse and ride on through. There will be days that I just eat to make myself feel better and I cannot let those days cause me more stress by beating myself up because then it becomes the viscious circle of stress>eat>stress>eat and so on until I step on the scale and wonder how I possibly put all that weight on. This is my journey and there will be mistakes, there will be stress, there will be setbacks but one thing I can guarentee you- I will NOT be giving up. No one is without stress. No one is without trials and setbacks. And no one or nothing will destroy the power, the will and the detemination I have to keep moving forward!!!!
Until Next Time,
Passing on the Pie
Saturday, September 29, 2012
A Peek Inside
In almost 9 weeks I have lost 13.5 pounds and can now successfully walk at an average speed of 3.7 mph without any pain. I am more than a tad bit happy with myself and am almost half way to my first goal of losing 30 pounds! I had also, at one point, sorta kinda set a semi-goal of maybe one day running. You see, when I first started this I really thought that I would just go out and run. I am not sure what warped part of my brain that thought came from but reality has sure smacked some sense into it. As I have thoroughly detailed in this blog, running was not an option for me- hell walking some days was barely an option.
Well since the race I have been able to walk without anymore shin pain and just a few times with mild ankle discomfort. So I thought I would revisit my semi-kinda goal of running. On my nice chilly walk early this morning I thought that maybe I would give running another try. So here is a peek inside my thought process as I was walking:
Self- "This weather is so nice and it feels so good to walk. My pace is really pretty fast this morning. Ok when I turn this corner I think I am going to try running."
I turn the corner and hop from the road to the sidewalk ready to run.
Self-"Oh wait a man with a dog, nope not gonna try it now. I will just wait til I get to the next street, that is a nice flat stretch."
Continue down the street and nod politely at the man with the dog.
Self- "Ok so I am now on "the" street it is time to give running a try, ok I will start after this house. Oh wait, woman washing the car, not gonna run now and risk being seen by washer woman."
I pick up my pace and head toward the stop sign and the next turn.
Self- "Oh hold on, this part of the walk is uphill ok I am not going to try running up hill. I will wait until I get to the downhill part."
Listen to Rascal Flatts "I Melt" and refrain from singing the words out loud.
Self- "Ok it is time to start running downhill. Darn cute man in his yard. Go inside cute man I can't run past your house now. Darn it. Ok I think I will try running down Harris, it is long and flat and is about half way through my walk."
Easily glide down the hill and past cute man's house and around the corner onto Harris fully ready to run for as long as I can make it.
Self-"What is that? Cars everywhere, people everywhere. What is going on here? Oh no- soccer on the school fields. Hey Dad and kid get out of my way, I am trying to walk here."
Disappointed I stear out into the street to avoid Mom, Dad, Gramma and boy with soccer gear.
Well at this point I gave up trying to run and just decided to walk the rest of the way and concentrate on my music and the beautiful weather. When I am ready to run and get beyond my silly high school embarressment I will give it a try. Until then, I will keep picking up my walking pace and be happy with the progress I am making.
So there you have it- a little peek into the musing going on in my brain as I walk. I don't know if I will ever run and honestly I am ok with that. My pace is great and I am losing weight which is really my ultimate goal. I did not go into this to run a marathon and still do not have aspirations of that. At this point I would just be happy to run for 30 seconds and not end up crippled. So to all those runners out there- Mad Mad props to you cause I truly know how hard it is and I apologize for ever thinking it was so easy that I was just gonna get off my couch and run for as long as I wanted. Silly me!
So until I decide to run,
I'll be walking
Well since the race I have been able to walk without anymore shin pain and just a few times with mild ankle discomfort. So I thought I would revisit my semi-kinda goal of running. On my nice chilly walk early this morning I thought that maybe I would give running another try. So here is a peek inside my thought process as I was walking:
Self- "This weather is so nice and it feels so good to walk. My pace is really pretty fast this morning. Ok when I turn this corner I think I am going to try running."
I turn the corner and hop from the road to the sidewalk ready to run.
Self-"Oh wait a man with a dog, nope not gonna try it now. I will just wait til I get to the next street, that is a nice flat stretch."
Continue down the street and nod politely at the man with the dog.
Self- "Ok so I am now on "the" street it is time to give running a try, ok I will start after this house. Oh wait, woman washing the car, not gonna run now and risk being seen by washer woman."
I pick up my pace and head toward the stop sign and the next turn.
Self- "Oh hold on, this part of the walk is uphill ok I am not going to try running up hill. I will wait until I get to the downhill part."
Listen to Rascal Flatts "I Melt" and refrain from singing the words out loud.
Self- "Ok it is time to start running downhill. Darn cute man in his yard. Go inside cute man I can't run past your house now. Darn it. Ok I think I will try running down Harris, it is long and flat and is about half way through my walk."
Easily glide down the hill and past cute man's house and around the corner onto Harris fully ready to run for as long as I can make it.
Self-"What is that? Cars everywhere, people everywhere. What is going on here? Oh no- soccer on the school fields. Hey Dad and kid get out of my way, I am trying to walk here."
Disappointed I stear out into the street to avoid Mom, Dad, Gramma and boy with soccer gear.
Well at this point I gave up trying to run and just decided to walk the rest of the way and concentrate on my music and the beautiful weather. When I am ready to run and get beyond my silly high school embarressment I will give it a try. Until then, I will keep picking up my walking pace and be happy with the progress I am making.
So there you have it- a little peek into the musing going on in my brain as I walk. I don't know if I will ever run and honestly I am ok with that. My pace is great and I am losing weight which is really my ultimate goal. I did not go into this to run a marathon and still do not have aspirations of that. At this point I would just be happy to run for 30 seconds and not end up crippled. So to all those runners out there- Mad Mad props to you cause I truly know how hard it is and I apologize for ever thinking it was so easy that I was just gonna get off my couch and run for as long as I wanted. Silly me!
So until I decide to run,
I'll be walking
Sunday, September 23, 2012
The Life of a Single Mom
Sometimes being a single Mom is just too much for me to handle. Today is one of those days.
My head has been healing well (until today) and I set my sights on walking again today. It has been too long and dare I say I actually miss it.
Well here is how my day went:
Anna has been working in the church school so we have been regulars at church again- YEAH! I spent some quiet time in church praying about my walk today that I was actually looking forward to. I prayed for no pain and the ability to increase my distance without too much dificulty. After church I had to pick Grace up from a birthday party sleepover. After depositing the girls at home, I threw in a load of laundry and did the dishes. Then it was time to go to a wedding shower in Bel Air. I spent a lovely afternoon with my Bestie, Sandy, as we celebrated her daughter, Ashley's upcoming wedding. By the time I left it was 5:00 and I knew that I had to get to the grocery store. Anna was furiously texting me telling me how hungry she was because she hadn't eaten all day. Oops I guess I forgot to feed them lunch but they ARE old enough to feed themselves. I frantically ran through the grocery store gathering ingredients for Quesadilas (Anna's dinner of choice) and other ingredients that I needed for school lunches and the crock pot meals I wanted to make this week. I was completely stressed at this point about being able to get my walk in before dark.
Upon arriving at home Anna made herself a quesadilla and Grace and I made ours as I also attempted to unpack from the store and gather all the materials for the crock pot meal. I have a faculty meeting tomorrow and knew that I would need a ready to eat meal upon arriving at home later than usual.
I furiously browned the meat and dumped everything into the pot. At this point Grace started to complain of a stomach ache. I was alternating between cleaning up the kitchen and tending to her. This is a typical ailment of hers after a sleepover and I took my frustration out on her which caused both of us to end up in tears. At this point the sun was gone and so was my mood. I was so mad that I had missed my opportunity to walk- oh wait, I didn't have one today :(
Oh yeah, and then there is my head- one of the staples really started to hurt today which is causing me worry. I may have to call the doctor tomorrow if it continues to bother me. It is pretty sore and I haven't had any real pain since Monday.
Since I couldn't walk, I hoped in the shower to wash my hair and have a few minutes to myself and hide my tears with the shower water.
Grace is now crying and wanted my attention so I better go to her and coax her off to bed so that I can get there myself and start again tomorrow. Yup today was not a good Mommy day. Oh well. Tomorrow I get to do it all over again.
Until Then,
I got nothing
My head has been healing well (until today) and I set my sights on walking again today. It has been too long and dare I say I actually miss it.
Well here is how my day went:
Anna has been working in the church school so we have been regulars at church again- YEAH! I spent some quiet time in church praying about my walk today that I was actually looking forward to. I prayed for no pain and the ability to increase my distance without too much dificulty. After church I had to pick Grace up from a birthday party sleepover. After depositing the girls at home, I threw in a load of laundry and did the dishes. Then it was time to go to a wedding shower in Bel Air. I spent a lovely afternoon with my Bestie, Sandy, as we celebrated her daughter, Ashley's upcoming wedding. By the time I left it was 5:00 and I knew that I had to get to the grocery store. Anna was furiously texting me telling me how hungry she was because she hadn't eaten all day. Oops I guess I forgot to feed them lunch but they ARE old enough to feed themselves. I frantically ran through the grocery store gathering ingredients for Quesadilas (Anna's dinner of choice) and other ingredients that I needed for school lunches and the crock pot meals I wanted to make this week. I was completely stressed at this point about being able to get my walk in before dark.
Upon arriving at home Anna made herself a quesadilla and Grace and I made ours as I also attempted to unpack from the store and gather all the materials for the crock pot meal. I have a faculty meeting tomorrow and knew that I would need a ready to eat meal upon arriving at home later than usual.
I furiously browned the meat and dumped everything into the pot. At this point Grace started to complain of a stomach ache. I was alternating between cleaning up the kitchen and tending to her. This is a typical ailment of hers after a sleepover and I took my frustration out on her which caused both of us to end up in tears. At this point the sun was gone and so was my mood. I was so mad that I had missed my opportunity to walk- oh wait, I didn't have one today :(
Oh yeah, and then there is my head- one of the staples really started to hurt today which is causing me worry. I may have to call the doctor tomorrow if it continues to bother me. It is pretty sore and I haven't had any real pain since Monday.
Since I couldn't walk, I hoped in the shower to wash my hair and have a few minutes to myself and hide my tears with the shower water.
Grace is now crying and wanted my attention so I better go to her and coax her off to bed so that I can get there myself and start again tomorrow. Yup today was not a good Mommy day. Oh well. Tomorrow I get to do it all over again.
Until Then,
I got nothing
Monday, September 17, 2012
Halloween Came Early
Thanks to Jewish New Year schools are closed today!! Not really thinking that I might want to sleep in, I made a doctor's appointment for 8:45am to have a basal cell removed from my scalp. Basal Cell is a cancer but is not life threatening and just needs to be removed and voila done. I had one removed on my cheek 2 years ago and it was really no big deal. Well in my mind this was going to be just as easy and I could resume my day, grocery shop and get some cleaning done.
Not so fast :( I had done what's called a Mose procedure where basically they cut out the cells and examine them under the miscrosope to make sure they got it all. If not, they remove some more. I can thank myself for having to go through this because I waited so long to have it looked at that those pesky cells took root. So as my luck would have it, they had to go back 3 more times in order to get it all, resulting in a quarter size hole on the top of my head. A flap had to be created to cover it and 13 staples place in my scalp. Ok, so not what I was expecting at all. You would think that I would be worried about my hair. No, not so much. I was most concerned at the large bangage on my head that basically covers the whole top of my head. yeah right. Bummer.
Fortunatley I am still numb so don't feel anything but anticipate some throbbing tonight so I better get to my sub plans and resolve to get through this like everything else the Devil throws at me.
Utnil then,
Not so fast :( I had done what's called a Mose procedure where basically they cut out the cells and examine them under the miscrosope to make sure they got it all. If not, they remove some more. I can thank myself for having to go through this because I waited so long to have it looked at that those pesky cells took root. So as my luck would have it, they had to go back 3 more times in order to get it all, resulting in a quarter size hole on the top of my head. A flap had to be created to cover it and 13 staples place in my scalp. Ok, so not what I was expecting at all. You would think that I would be worried about my hair. No, not so much. I was most concerned at the large bangage on my head that basically covers the whole top of my head. yeah right. Bummer.
Pretty right? I have to wear it for a full 48 hours which means Wednesday afternoon. The whole time I was stressing about work and how I could not face those children with this thing on my head. I wasn't thinking about the pain I might be in with 13 staples but the horrified looks I was going to get from my neighbors and coworkers and students. I was not happy. I was even less happy when she said no exercising for 2 weeks, until the staples come out. WHAT? I had certainly NOT planned on this one. I am tentatively teetering on a 12 pound weight loss and lord knows what 2 weeks of not exercising will do to that. Oh Devil you just love
to toy with me.
So that's pretty much it- after I can take the awful bandages off I have to vasoline the site until the staples come out on October 2nd. Big Sigh. At least I didn't have any hot dates lined up :) Fortunatley I am still numb so don't feel anything but anticipate some throbbing tonight so I better get to my sub plans and resolve to get through this like everything else the Devil throws at me.
Utnil then,
Searching for a Channing Tatum movie
Saturday, September 15, 2012
The Black Butterfly Day
Since the race I have been struggling a bit to stay focused. I think I have walked twice this week and only for 30 minutes each. Eating, on the other hand, has been a harder struggle. It's kind of ironic that for the past 6 weeks the walking was the hard part and the eating was a breeze. The 12 pounds just seemed to melt off.
Today I kinda feel stuck. I have been trying to make good choices but I have stopped counting my calories on My Fitness Pal. Everyday I have logged in my breakfast but then I stopped. The past 2 days have not been great and I can feel it in my body. Part of me feels like I gained the whole 12 pounds back and I am trying to refrain from jumping on the scale every morning.
I have to get centered again and be more faithful with logging in everything I eat. I did it once, I can do it again. And as my new water bottle says.....
I have agreed to walk the Komen Breast Cancer walk on October 21st. What a perfect way to keep me focused and walking. I knew when I went in to this that it would be a year long process. I am on this journey until next summer so I have to keep moving forward. This was not a 6 week deal, so I have to figure out a way to keep going and not quit so I am greatful that this race came up exactly 6 weeks after the Run to Remember.
So back to today and trying to get rebalanced. I knew that I was kinda slipping with my food choices (mostly quantity not quality) and I went into today ready to get back on the horse. Well I didn't do that well as I found myself starving all day. This is frustrating because the way I was eating for the past 6 weeks I was never hungry. As usual, I fed my hunger and ended up eating alot. And no, I didn't log in my calories either.
I know that I will get back on track, it isn't a matter of if, but when. I will just try again tomorrow. This journey will not end and I know this because of a little visitor I had today.
I was sitting on the porch reading when I heard a faint thud next to me. I looked over and a black butterfly had landed on my People magazine. I didn't see where it came from and the bizarre part is that I had both my front and side shades pulled all the way down. It was like it literally dropped out of thin air.
At first I was in awe and sorta amused that it landed on the People Magazine like it was reading it. I let it sit there and I went back to reading, expecting it to take flight any moment. Well it never did. I started to become fascinated with it and even gently nudged the magazine to see if it will move. It didn't. HMMM now I was starting to get a little freaked. Could it be dead? I nudged again. Nothing. By now I was convinced it was dead and I developed a horrible dread. What does it mean when a dead black butterly falls out of the sky and lands a foot away from you? It couldn't be good.
I immediately went to Google and searched "The symbolism of a dead black butterly" and "black butterfly meanings". The results were alarming, mostly detailing death. But then I came upon this eloquent quote, "Black butterfly is associated with change, transition, freedom and rebirth. It is symbolized as death - assume it as the death of all the bad things and misfortunes." I loved this!!! And that is just how I initend to see it. By nature, I am a symbolic person. I see symbolism in many things- some true, some not so much. This poor dead black butterfly was reminding me that I was on a journey of change and rebirth and I now had the resolve that I needed to keep at it and get back on track. Thank you little dead black butterfly!
Well that is not where the story ends. I wanted to keep the little guy and maybe frame it (as a friend on Facebook suggested) so I got a tupperware to pack him away in. I moved the magazine to the table where I was going to try to scoop him in with the lid but I kept getting way freaked out. At one point the wind flipped the front cover over dumping the butterfly on the table under it. This made me jump and run for the door. Anna was there and I handed her the tupperware and told her to do it while I literally hid behind the door. I was inside the house just peaking my head around the corner while she started to scoop the poor thing into the container. In my defence I have a "flying thing" fear. I don't like birds and anything that can just fly right at you.
I went in the house, not wanting to watch and I hear Anna yell, "It's not dead." She ran in the house to tell me that it took off flying!!! We laughed and couldn't believe it! Fly little not dead anymore black butterfly!
So long story short, my journey continues, I am no where near done. I think I just took a breather, kinda like the butterfly, but tomorrow I fly again!
Until then,
Gonna watch me some Katniss
Today I kinda feel stuck. I have been trying to make good choices but I have stopped counting my calories on My Fitness Pal. Everyday I have logged in my breakfast but then I stopped. The past 2 days have not been great and I can feel it in my body. Part of me feels like I gained the whole 12 pounds back and I am trying to refrain from jumping on the scale every morning.
I have to get centered again and be more faithful with logging in everything I eat. I did it once, I can do it again. And as my new water bottle says.....
So back to today and trying to get rebalanced. I knew that I was kinda slipping with my food choices (mostly quantity not quality) and I went into today ready to get back on the horse. Well I didn't do that well as I found myself starving all day. This is frustrating because the way I was eating for the past 6 weeks I was never hungry. As usual, I fed my hunger and ended up eating alot. And no, I didn't log in my calories either.
I know that I will get back on track, it isn't a matter of if, but when. I will just try again tomorrow. This journey will not end and I know this because of a little visitor I had today.
I was sitting on the porch reading when I heard a faint thud next to me. I looked over and a black butterfly had landed on my People magazine. I didn't see where it came from and the bizarre part is that I had both my front and side shades pulled all the way down. It was like it literally dropped out of thin air.
At first I was in awe and sorta amused that it landed on the People Magazine like it was reading it. I let it sit there and I went back to reading, expecting it to take flight any moment. Well it never did. I started to become fascinated with it and even gently nudged the magazine to see if it will move. It didn't. HMMM now I was starting to get a little freaked. Could it be dead? I nudged again. Nothing. By now I was convinced it was dead and I developed a horrible dread. What does it mean when a dead black butterly falls out of the sky and lands a foot away from you? It couldn't be good.
Well that is not where the story ends. I wanted to keep the little guy and maybe frame it (as a friend on Facebook suggested) so I got a tupperware to pack him away in. I moved the magazine to the table where I was going to try to scoop him in with the lid but I kept getting way freaked out. At one point the wind flipped the front cover over dumping the butterfly on the table under it. This made me jump and run for the door. Anna was there and I handed her the tupperware and told her to do it while I literally hid behind the door. I was inside the house just peaking my head around the corner while she started to scoop the poor thing into the container. In my defence I have a "flying thing" fear. I don't like birds and anything that can just fly right at you.
I went in the house, not wanting to watch and I hear Anna yell, "It's not dead." She ran in the house to tell me that it took off flying!!! We laughed and couldn't believe it! Fly little not dead anymore black butterfly!
So long story short, my journey continues, I am no where near done. I think I just took a breather, kinda like the butterfly, but tomorrow I fly again!
Until then,
Gonna watch me some Katniss
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