A Self-Loathing Pity Party of One (no comments required)

de·feat·ed  

/diˈfētid/

Adjective Having been beaten in a battle or other contest: "the defeated army". Demoralized and overcome by adversity So it has all come to this. 11 months of this journey and here I sit utterly defeated.  Nowhere near where I wanted to be. Caught up in a battle of self sabotage so deep that I have been beaten (see definition of defeated). In 11 months I lost 22 pounds, gained back 6 and now sit at a loss of 16 pounds.  But most importantly I have lost so much more than that- I have lost my motivation, my drive and my determination.  I am not really sure what happened other than I got lazy.  I got lazy because it is hard, it is everyday and it is not fun.  I pretended for a very long time that I liked it- fake it til you make it - if you will. But the reality is that it sucks.  I work so hard counting every calorie, exercising and worrying about everything that I eat and what do I get for it?  Tight pants and horrible pictures that make me ill to look at. Ok wait, I have to stop because I don't want you to think that I am looking for a pity party or some great big inspirational speech- that is not what I am going for here at all!!! SO please do not give me any of that.  I am not the type of person that oozes crappy details of my life looking for attention.  I also am not looking for quotes of inspiration and "You can do it" jargon- I have enough of those filed away in my computer to read for the rest of my life.  In short, I am not looking for anything from anyone else but myself.   I write this to document my struggles, to detail my journey, nothing more.  I still look at this as a journey.  Nowhere in the above paragraphs have I said that I give up.  But does being defeated mean given up?   Yes I have been beaten down, I have been demoralized and overcome with adversity.  I freely admit that and embrace it because here I sit in my oversized comfy pants after feasting on a dinner of cookies and chips and have no one to blame but myself.   I have wracked my brain for reasons as to why I shoveled in the second piece of pizza last night knowing full well that I had not eaten well all day.  I see pictures of myself and can't believe it is me and wonder what happened to my drive to look better by now.  I put my pants on and am so confused as to why they are tight. And each time I say, I am going to eat so well today and open up my calorie app and log in my breakfast, pack myself a healthy lunch and then something happens- I get miserable, I get mad, I get defeated, laying on the ground willingly taking the punches because I no longer have the strength to get back up.  That is where I am right now and it sucks.... really sucks.  I want my determination back and the things that lie between the me "then" and the me "now" is the knowledge that this journey is not easy.  When I began I was starry eyed, hopeful and it all seemed easy and maybe even fun.  Well it's not. and I hate it, every step of it. My biggest fear is that I will stay stuck in this place and not lose anymore and God forbid, gain it all back.  That is probably the crippling part for me right now.  I hate being overweight, hate it more than anything I have ever hated before in my life.  It is a sad place to be. You see I was never overweight growing up, I never struggled with weight and always felt good in my clothes.  So this is still very foreign to me and very very easy to deny(see previous posts about my happy land of denial) I have the utmost admiration for people who have taken this journey and succeeded far more than I have to this point.  I applaud you! SO the big question for me is, how am I going to get back to it?  How do I get my motivation back?  Especially when I believe that I am eating well yet get on that scale and there is no loss.   No amount of encouragement from friends will give it to me.  No pity from strangers will force me back to it. NO tears on my pillow or self-pity gorge fest are going to get me back to the place I need to be. There is only 1 thing standing between me and that horse I need to get back on.... Just doing it.  Stop the bitching, stop the complaining, the tears, the whining and the self-loathing and just do it.  Hate it, cry and complain but DO IT!!  What other choice do I have?  I refuse to be fat and unhappy anymore.  I know how hard it will be, I will HATE it every step but I have to do it- for me, for my girls and for my life.  I don't need anyone else telling me I can do it, I need ME telling ME I can do it, I think that is where I am stuck- very little success has forced me to stop telling myself I can do it because I feel as if I haven't done it- I have let myself down and THAT is a bad place to be. I need to do it on my own for myself.  I know I still have a long way to go and I may HATE my body right now but one day I want to love it and it will never get to that point until I stop my pity party and begin again.  Pick myself up, dust myself off and begin again.  And if I fall down again, I will keep picking myself up and begin again and again and again until I have reached that place where I can see myself in a picture, or a bathing suit, or the mirror and say "Oh Hi there, I remember you, damn you look good!"  It's a long way off but eventually I will get there.  ONE. STEP. AT. A. TIME. Until then, Sucking in my gut

Delusions and Denial

So you may have been wondering where I have been.  Well I have been wondering too!  April 6th was my last blog post and in that time I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, didn't join a convent and most importantly I haven't given up.  I basically have been living a cushy life of delusions and denial.  It's been a pleasant place to live, until I see a few pictures of me that snap me back to reality. 

Delusions- a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact.

Denial- Disbelief in the existence of reality. 

My life has always been a battle between reality and denial and the past few months found me relapsing into the fantasy world where I believe that I can lose weight without counting calories, without exercise and without blogging.  In my silly state of denial I actually expected to step on that scale every morning and be greeted with a lower number. That place where I put on an outfit and think I look good and thin and then I see a picture of me and I look like a moose- wait, that isn't what I saw in the mirror, that isn't how I pictured myself in my head.  yup BIG denial! 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

Well duh you don't get results living in this delusional state.  And here I am faced with the summer, which means shorts, bathing suits (I just threw up a little in my mouth) and a general lack of clothing that cover all those bulges.  So I have been reluctantly forced out of my few months reprieve.

Lately I have had a seething jealousy of skinny people.  It is irrational and unfounded but it is where I want to be and where I know I can be, where I once was.  I want to walk into any clothing store and find something cute on the rack and just put it on and feel good and look good.  That is my motivation and sadly and I am not there YET.

So I dusted off my beloved running shoes and got back on the program.  I am very happy to report that I ran almost half of my trek this morning and really shocked myself at how much I was able to run.  I found myself smiling every time I ran, it was without thought and almost made me giddy inside.  Why did I stop doing this?  I kept asking myself.

While running, Chariot by Gavin Degraw blared in my ears and I realized that I needed a Chariot to guide me, to give me strength.  Whatever that Chariot is, I need to find it. I believe that the intended message of the song was for a "chariot" to take you away from reality for awhile.  Not sure about this one, I will have to ask Gavin one day when I get to sit down and have a long deep conversation with him about life (yes, this is on my unrealistic bucket list).  

In my mind, I need a "Chariot" to take me away from my delusions and denial and keep me grounded in reality where I can focus once again on my goal and exactly what I need to do to get there.
Whatever the intended meaning of the song, I need strength, I need something to guide me, something to make me want to spread my wings and fly.  I guess I haven't found it yet, or perhaps I lost it somewhere along the way.


July 28th is my 1 year mark and I still have time to get there- where I want to be.  I may have been lost somewhere along the way but I am back and ready to try this again.

Until then,
Oh Chariot, your golden waves
are walking down upon this face
to guide me
give me your...
STRENGTH













  

Resting On My Laurels

I have always loved idioms and any type of figurative language.  I drive my daughter crazy with metaphors and idioms almost on a daily basis.  She is very literal and often times does not understand the meanings behind my phrases.  Sometimes I think I use them just to get on her nerves. Other times it is the only way I can make sense of the things around me.
I had a small success in the weight loss arena this week- I have now lost a total of 22.5!  Several days of decent, but not great calorie counting, but only moderate exercising helped me reach this number.  Now my mind LOVES to play tricks on me and that old devil inside me just waits patiently for this opportunity.  So here is the thought process of said devil:
"Ahhh see you can lose weight without really putting too much effort into it.  You don't really need to run everyday.  You lost weight this week without logging in every calorie, you don't need to do that anymore.  Oh take a break from all that hard work, you deserve it."  Blah blah blah, you get the point.
I have not weighed in since that day I hit 22.5 pound and in that time I only ran once, pigged on pizza and other snacks and have basically thrown caution to the wind.  In other word: I am resting on my laurels.
This phrase jumped into my head as I was driving back from UMBC at 8:30 this morning after dropping Anna and Megan off at an all day College event.  I basically berated myself the whole way around 695 for allowing that devil to take over my thoughts and getting lazy about it all.
Resting on one's laurels:  To be satisfied with one's past success and to consider further effort unnecessary.

Yup that's what I've done.  I reached a small success and thought- ok I don't have to try anymore right now.  I hate when I do that.  I get lazy, I get complacent.  Then I get mad at myself- a vicious cycle really.
I am terrified to get back on that scale because I know that number will be up and I will have undone everything I did to get to that point.  This is not the first time either, it is basically what I have been doing all along, which is why it has taken me 8 months to lose 22.5 pound.   
I really should be running more than .5 miles at this point but I have been lazy about it.  I allow myself 30 minutes of walking and push myself to run .5 but could really be doing more.  Adding 5 more minutes each time.  Adding another .2 to my running each time.
  Doing the bare minimum with little effort- anyone who knows me knows that this is often how I operate with a lot of things.  This is what makes this journey so difficult for me- this internal battle I struggle with all the time in many different areas of my life.
So what now?  Well I haven't given up but I am to the point where this measly weight loss isn't working for me anymore.
  I had a miserable experience Easter dress shopping.  In my mind, I had lost 22 pounds and I was going to go to Chico's and find an adorable dress that looked stunning on my and I would bask in the glory of looking and feeling good.  Well what really happened is that I quickly realized that I am no where near where I want my body to be.  I had a very very patient sales lady that was throwing basically everything in the store at me and every time I stepped out of the dressing room, I was mortified at my body in the mirror.  At one point, I hid in the dressing room frantically wiping tears as the sales lady was trying to hand me yet one more outfit to try. 
I finally settled on a sweater, necklace and skirt that I felt somewhat ok in but not at all what I thought I would look like. Yes I had lost weight and yes I looked a whole heck of a lot better than I would have 6 months ago but the image I had in my mind of my body was not matching the outward view and my tears were tears of frustration and disappointment.
I think this is what prompted ole devil to rear it's ugly head which allowed me to rest on my laurels and not be spurned into action. You would think that I would have come home and thrust myself full force into running and counting calories- yeah not so much.  Being on spring break didn't help either.
So here I sit, afraid to get on the scale and vacillating between wanting to rest on my laurels and getting back down to business.  Spring clothes shopping is almost upon us and I can not go back into that dressing room without a clearer perspective on my body and a better feeling about it as well.  That only leaves me with one choice- only one- Throw the damn laurels down the drain and get moving. 

 There is nothing like the feeling of getting on that scale and seeing a lower number and I will NEVER understand why that isn't motivation enough for me.  Through sheer will and determination I will move that number this week.  It will be a daily battle but one I am willing to make.  I have to tell myself every minute of every day that It is worth it- that I am worth it.  I want to reach 25 pounds so desperately and I can't allow that devil to win this one!  
No more resting on my laurels, no more complacency, no more negative attitude.  I will see that number on the scale and be renewed in this journey and exactly what it takes to get there!
Until then,
Bring it! 
P.s Here is an interesting link to the origin of "resting on one's Laurels". Yeah this kind of stuff fascinates me, word nerd that I am! http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/rest-on-his-laurels.html

Consistency

If you read my blog then you know that I am really good at pointing out my weaknesses.  I embrace them and learn from them.  This week I learned the power of consistency.  Yet another thing I struggle with in my daily like.  I am pretty much consistent about nothing... except putting my pink robe on at the end of the work day- yup pretty consistent about that!
I am not consistent in keeping my house straight, lack it at work most days, can't keep myself on a schedule to save my life.  This is probably why I can't be bothered with weighing and measuring foods, and only being able to eat certain things.  Any fad diet is the death of me.  If someone told me I could only eat these certain things or I had to avoid this and that, I would say forget it.  It just doesn't work for me.  I have to be able to go out and get a big pile of nachos at happy hour if I want.  I have learned that if I do those things then I just have to make adjustments to whatever else I eat that day or add in another vigorous workout.  Not much to that in my mind.  But saying that I can't have something is pretty much the death of me.
Anyway, I digress....  So this week I learned the power of being consistent, as hard as it was for me.
I logged in 4 workouts this week, which is pretty good for me! On the treadmill, I even stepped up my workout a bit making sure to run a half mile each time.  I was pretty darn proud of myself.  The first one was hard and my legs were really sore but with each one, it got so much easier- see it's the power of being consistent!
This morning I got up and decided for a run outside because the weather was really nice!  I didn't even have my usual "I don't really want to do this" banter as I headed out the door.  I was actually looking forward to it!  WHAT?  did I just say that???
This time I pushed myself to run even more.  My cheerleader, Shannon, has been encouraging me to do intervals, and even tho I have an app that keeps track of the interval time, I just haven't done it.  Maybe it's an ADD thing, or yet another thing I have to keep track of. I don't know why but I just haven't. Today I decided to find what works for me and sort of make a game out of it.  I walked to the top of the street and then said, "Ok now run until the end of this street."  When I did that, I said, "Ok now walk to that mailbox."  When I got to the mailbox I picked another location to run to.  It worked out pretty well and I ran for longer portions of my trek.  It felt really good and I didn't even feel any soreness in my legs.  

Those rare moments of greatness are wonderful but today, because I have been more consistent in my workouts this week, I was able to accomplish something even greater!
I am so close to losing 30 pounds that I can taste it!! (and no it doesn't taste like a cheeseburger or vanilla milkshake.  It tastes like nothing I have even tasted before and it is amazing).  I am so determined to get these last 9 pounds off and will continue to be consistent in my workouts and counting calories until they are gone and my first goal is reached!  Watch me!
Until then,
Look out! 

Follow Through Follow up

Well it's been a little over a week since my last post and I am happy to say that I did really well with following through!  If I said I was going to walk, I did.  I even ran a bit too and worked my way up to running .5 on the treadmill tonight!  I ran for a mile one time and then haven't been able to do it since.  I would have gone farther tonight but I forgot my sports bra (enough said).
I also started a workout challenge with my friend, Deb this week.

A college friend of mine, Vicki Sorensen, developed a game- Fitness Challenge.  Years ago she came out with the board game version and has now developed an app- here is a link to information about it- http://bit.ly/XlPUpL 
So Deb and I have a 6 week challenge where we earn points for each day we exercise more 30 minutes or more.  It has really helped me stay accountable, which we all know is key for me.
I am pretty proud of myself this week and feel like I have done really well, however, the scale has not been my friend.  While I haven't gained, I have also not lost.  I am on a new medication and I have a feeling that it is hindering my weight loss.  I am not discouraged tho because I can feel the difference in my body so that is great!  I try not to be a slave to the scale but I do have to weigh myself everyday or I will trick myself into believing I am doing better than I am- it's another accountability thing with me.  I have learned the ups and downs of the scale and don't put too much "weight" on it- haaa punny!

I am keeping on keeping on and all that good stuff and I know it will come off eventually!
This week I am going to be better about logging in all of my calories on the My Fitness Pal app.  I have not been consistent with it and my new goal is to log everything this week!  So we will see how that goes :)
I really keep forgetting just how good I feel when I get off that treadmill- I really do feel great and I have to keep reminding myself that everyday when I go through the mental battle, which goes something like this: "I should walk tonight, but I don't want to.  I guess I will, maybe later.  Maybe I can just do it tomorrow.  But I need to tonight.  I know I really should.  Ok in just a few more minutes.  But I don't want to.  But I need to."  BLAH BLAH BLAH
It is all a mental battle- the food, the exercise, the daily struggle to stay on track.  I am learning how best to combat it and so far I think I am winning... for now.  Every week is different.  I wonder what this week will hold?
Until then,
"I am trying with perfect faith" - GDG

Follow Through

In the words of my favorite singer, "You'll have to follow through with every word you say."  Now this is written in a love song but it also applies to my life right now.  Having a bit of a hard time following through.  There is a big disconnect between the things that I say and the things that I do. I know it, I feel it and I have to change it.
Just like the meaning behind Gavin's song, in every relationship you have to follow through with the things you say that you are going to do.  It's not good enough to just say you are going to do something, you have to actually do them.  My relationship with weight loss is no different.  Every day I wake up and say, I am going to count every calorie today, I am going to run on the treadmill when I get home.  Most days I am lucky to get close to thinking about maybe doing those things, I lack the follow through.  It sounds so easy doesn't it?  Well it's not, at least not for me who routinely gives myself an out for many many things.  Laundry?  Yup I can do that tomorrow.  Wash those dishes in the sink?  Well I sure don't care if they sit there until morning.  I have perfected the art of NOT following through sadly.  Probably the only area of my life that I am really good at following through is in a relationship and since I don't have that in my life right now, I have to learn how to apply that to all those other areas of my life starting now!
You see, I am going to see Gavin Degraw in concert again on July 11th in Virginia Beach and I have every incentive in the world to get another 15 or more pounds off by then!  I am meeting up with some friends from across the east coast and it will be summer so I will want to buy a new outfit, and if I buy a new outfit, I will want to look good in that outfit. And please do not give this mouse a cookie :)
So it is time I get my shit together and start following through with every word I say!
According to my new countdown app, I have 124 days until July 11th- it's a good thing I walked on the treadmill tonight!  I did manage to get in a little over a mile! So this week is going to be "follow through" week and if I say I am going to do it, then I will do it!  I will report in next Friday and let you know how it went!
Until then,
"These reeling emotions they just keep me alive, they keep me in tune." -GDG

Goals and Food

Thanks to my cheerleader, Shannon, who text me this picture this morning!  It reminded me of the many goals that I have set for myself this year! Some I have reached, some not.  That is the good thing about goals, I think.  It really isn't necessarily about reaching them, but striving to reach them.  I think it is unrealistic to think that we will reach 100% of the goals we make, that is the beauty of a goal- it give you something to work for, something to think about as we trudge through this life each day. That's the way I see it anyway.
I have set a new short term goal- to lose 10 pounds by the color run (May 11th).  Absolutely obtainable and once I hit that, I will be back at the weight I was 6 years ago when my life took a huge pitfall.  I gained 30 pounds in those 6 years as I nursed a horribly broken heart back to life.
It was probably just a year ago that I started to feel like myself again, which I guess prompted this journey that I am on now.  
I had never set goals for myself before in such a definitive way.  My goals always seemed to be directed for me and this was maybe the first time in my life that I had taken charge of my own destiny and boy has it felt good.  
So the next 10 pounds are going to be huge for me! 
Unfortunately I have really struggled with keeping up with the running and counting calories.  I blame this on 2 things....
1. My beloved robe and slippers.
2. The lack of fresh fruits and vegetable.
You see I come home from work everyday and can't wait to put on my comfies which makes it very hard to then put on running clothes and get moving.  Yes yes I KNOW- put them on as soon as I get home, blah blah blah.  By the time my rational brain catches up to my reality, my robe is on and zippered and darn if I can get it unzipped :) Why oh why can't I just run in bare feet and my robe?
I am also craving so many of the good summer foods and find planning for good low cal stuff, when there are so few options, a real drag.
Counting calories is a bitch too (pardon my language but it is).  I am just not good at it anymore but everyday I try....... which is all I can ask of myself now- it is all part of the journey to the goal.  As long as I keep that in my head everyday then I will be ok, but dang it is isn't easy.
My hopes is that when I can eat tomato sandwiches and make good fruit salads etc. that I will not have such a hard time.
So for now, it is a daily struggle but I keep plugging along toward my next goal- 10 pounds by May 11th and to run a mile of the 5K color run.
Until then,
Eating a banana