Well it has been 365 days since I started this journey. 365 days since I said I was no longer going to be a couch potato and was going to take back my life and make some positive changes. I can remember sitting down to write my first blog post. At that time I could barely walk 1/2 mile at a pretty decent speed. I remember the tears of fear and embarrassment when I would meet with my training group and struggle to just keep walking. I remember the hopes and dreams of being more comfortable in my body by the next summer.
So here I sit, halfway through "the next summer". In reflecting on the past year I am not going to detail every pound I lost. I didn't lose as much weight as I wanted to by this time but I have lost so much more!
Here is a list of all the "non-weight" things I have lost this year:
I have lost:
1. My negative thinking in general
2. My negative perception of myself
3. The inability to walk 3+ miles
4. The perception that running is something I can't do
5. My thoughts that I can't do this
Losing all the negativity in my life surrounding my body and my weight, I have also gained so much more!
I have gained:
1. The knowledge that any goal is challenging but worth pursuing.
2. Learning that things may not happen in the way that you want them to but that doesn't mean you quit.
3. Embracing that life is full of challenges and surprises- both equally as exciting and important.
4. Finding out that we don't always get what we want out of life but we get what we work for, even if the results are not what we originally intended.
5. Life is hard, but doing nothing is harder.
6. Life is worth every step of the journey - even the struggles teach us things about ourselves we never would have known otherwise.
And so many other positive things, I could list forever.
I could sit here and spew negativity about his past year and how I didn't lose the 30 or 50 pounds I had thought I would lose. I could drone on and on about how I am still not happy with my body and disappointed that I still can't look in a mirror without cringing. I could be negative and sad and angry and all those other negative emotions that are so easy to grasp on to. There is a part of my brain that is just begging to be let out and fester on this page. But probably the most important thing I have gained (learned) this year is that stinking thinking will get me no where. It is the devil's work and will only serve to put me right back where I was in the years prior to taking this leap. It would be easy for me to get on my negative high horse and knock down everything I have built up this year but you know what? I don't want to, have no desire to go there. It isn't a place that my mind lives anymore. That negative place of thinking is where I lived for many many years and is exactly why I am in the state that I was in the first place. It got me nowhere.
So instead I think about the positive things that this year has brought me. Yes this year did not bring me the weight loss that I had hoped but it has brought me so much more than I could have ever hoped for! This blog has detailed so many of them already and there are so many more to come!
On August 15th I hope to announce so very exciting news! Something I have worked on for a very long time. Something that made me stretch and grow more than I ever thought possible, even more than this journey did. It has to stay a secret for now but I can't wait to announce it to everyone and see where this next journey will take me!!
I will continue to blog, I will continue the daily struggle of staying active and healthy and I WILL lose more weight and feel better about myself! This was never a journey I was only on for a year but I am on it for a lifetime. If it takes me another year to lose the weight I had hoped then so be it. Despite the fact that I haven't lost what I had hoped, I am happier and healthier than I have been in a very very long time. The struggles, the tears, the joys, the friendships, the music, the laughter, the heartache, the bitterness, the love..... it is all part of life and it should all be celebrated as part of our story, our journey!
So this isn't goodbye for now, but it is the beginning of a change in another direction! After August 15th I will be starting a new blog- one that will detail the "other" journey I have been on simultaneously with this one. I can't wait to tell you all about it! I will continue to blog about my "getting healthy" journey here as well!
Until then,
Embracing the journey
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Be Careful What You Wish For
Summer is officially half over- OH MY that hurt to type!! Going in to this summer I had a few things I wanted to accomplish and well folks, I have not accomplished any of them. Well I am keeping consistent at least.
Change is very hard for me. I get stuck in ruts so often you would think I was a truck tire living permanently in the mud. Is it a comfortable place for me? I have been trying to figure out why I let myself get stuck so often. Fear of moving forward? Scared of actually getting what I want? Or maybe it is just that I am lazy? I still haven't figured it out.
So here was my original list:
1. Clean out my dining room (currently floor to ceiling storage and a big source of anxiety)
2. Recaulk my bathroom (I don't do these type of household chores)
3. Paint my bedroom (hasn't been painted in 18 years)
4. Lose 10 pounds
5. Read, read, read
So that was it- didn't seem too difficult- what was I thinking??? This now seems like I might have bitten off more than my lazy self can chew. I should know by now NOT to set myself up for failure this way, but as I am finding- this is what I do alot!! I set my goals too high to ever reach them so I make it easy to back out. Classic Kristin move!
So what am I to do now? Every morning I wake up and say, "I am going to run today." or "Today is the day I get in the dining room and start cleaning it." or even, "Today I will download a new book and begin reading." Well you see these things never happen. I have spent way too much time analyzing my lack of motivation and why I spend all day in an anxious, paralyzed state of non-productiveness (is that a word?)
So with 4 more weeks until I have to go back to work, I better get started on something!! I think I need to rework my list to include only 1 thing at a time. So I need to decide where to start. I think I will spend all day today pondering that question. Ok ,Ok, I know, I know, I can't do that. Pick one and start- sounds easy? Well here are my thoughts on that:
1. If I start cleaning the dining room today it will take all day and then nothing else will get done, it will probably take several days and the thought of spending several days in a heightened state of anxiety is not appealing.
2. In order to recaulk my bathroom I must first learn how to do it. Then I have to go get the supplies I need and the thought of wondering around Lowes wondering just what the heck I am doing is so unappealing.
3.PAINT??? Are you kidding me? I HATE to paint!!!
4. Well everyday is a struggle to lose weight- EVERYDAY I think about what I am putting in my mouth and the fact that I haven't gone running in weeks. And then there is the awful chunk I took out of my heel this week that is preventing me from putting on my running shoes.
5. I want to start a new book but can't justify spending my non-existent money on a new download and I am too lazy to look into the library app.
And the list just keeps going on and on- in essence- I continue to be my own worst enemy and I constantly get in my own way!
Ok Kristin, enough words- let's put something into action today!
So here is what I am going to do (like it or not)- I am going to lace up my running shoes (with extra band-aids on my heel) and go for a walk on the treadmill in the air conditioning, watching a livestream video of Gavin Degraw that is hilarious!!! Then I am going to get in the dining room for 30 minutes (I will set an alarm) and whatever I get done will be good enough for today!
I think I need to stop there so I, once again, don't set myself up for failure! After all, there are many other things I need to get done today like laundry and dishes.
July 29th is one year since I started this journey. I am 12 pounds away from my original goal for the year. I WILL get those 12 pounds off and then keep moving forward to lose more. I have learned that it's not the time it takes but the journey that matters!
So there you have it- a little peek into the anxiety ridden mind of me! Fun place to be wouldn't ya say? It is who I am and I have to work with it, not against it! Learn from it and continue to move forward! I work best under pressure and know that something will get accomplished before I am thrust back into the teaching world.
Until then,
"Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it"
Change is very hard for me. I get stuck in ruts so often you would think I was a truck tire living permanently in the mud. Is it a comfortable place for me? I have been trying to figure out why I let myself get stuck so often. Fear of moving forward? Scared of actually getting what I want? Or maybe it is just that I am lazy? I still haven't figured it out.
So here was my original list:
1. Clean out my dining room (currently floor to ceiling storage and a big source of anxiety)
2. Recaulk my bathroom (I don't do these type of household chores)
3. Paint my bedroom (hasn't been painted in 18 years)
4. Lose 10 pounds
5. Read, read, read
So that was it- didn't seem too difficult- what was I thinking??? This now seems like I might have bitten off more than my lazy self can chew. I should know by now NOT to set myself up for failure this way, but as I am finding- this is what I do alot!! I set my goals too high to ever reach them so I make it easy to back out. Classic Kristin move!
So what am I to do now? Every morning I wake up and say, "I am going to run today." or "Today is the day I get in the dining room and start cleaning it." or even, "Today I will download a new book and begin reading." Well you see these things never happen. I have spent way too much time analyzing my lack of motivation and why I spend all day in an anxious, paralyzed state of non-productiveness (is that a word?)
So with 4 more weeks until I have to go back to work, I better get started on something!! I think I need to rework my list to include only 1 thing at a time. So I need to decide where to start. I think I will spend all day today pondering that question. Ok ,Ok, I know, I know, I can't do that. Pick one and start- sounds easy? Well here are my thoughts on that:
1. If I start cleaning the dining room today it will take all day and then nothing else will get done, it will probably take several days and the thought of spending several days in a heightened state of anxiety is not appealing.
2. In order to recaulk my bathroom I must first learn how to do it. Then I have to go get the supplies I need and the thought of wondering around Lowes wondering just what the heck I am doing is so unappealing.
3.PAINT??? Are you kidding me? I HATE to paint!!!
4. Well everyday is a struggle to lose weight- EVERYDAY I think about what I am putting in my mouth and the fact that I haven't gone running in weeks. And then there is the awful chunk I took out of my heel this week that is preventing me from putting on my running shoes.
5. I want to start a new book but can't justify spending my non-existent money on a new download and I am too lazy to look into the library app.
And the list just keeps going on and on- in essence- I continue to be my own worst enemy and I constantly get in my own way!
Ok Kristin, enough words- let's put something into action today!
So here is what I am going to do (like it or not)- I am going to lace up my running shoes (with extra band-aids on my heel) and go for a walk on the treadmill in the air conditioning, watching a livestream video of Gavin Degraw that is hilarious!!! Then I am going to get in the dining room for 30 minutes (I will set an alarm) and whatever I get done will be good enough for today!
I think I need to stop there so I, once again, don't set myself up for failure! After all, there are many other things I need to get done today like laundry and dishes.
July 29th is one year since I started this journey. I am 12 pounds away from my original goal for the year. I WILL get those 12 pounds off and then keep moving forward to lose more. I have learned that it's not the time it takes but the journey that matters!
So there you have it- a little peek into the anxiety ridden mind of me! Fun place to be wouldn't ya say? It is who I am and I have to work with it, not against it! Learn from it and continue to move forward! I work best under pressure and know that something will get accomplished before I am thrust back into the teaching world.
Until then,
"Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it"
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Reflections on my "Best I Ever Had" day!
Every once in a while life offers us an incredible experience thrown in the mix of the utterly ordinary. Sometimes we get so caught up in life and we miss them or don't fully grasp their significance.
(This blog is about my journey to get healthy but every once in awhile I need to throw in some personal reflection of another nature. This is one of those times....)
If you know me, then you know at least 3 things about me- 1- I am shy, overly emotional, and sappy. 2- if you come to my house, 9 times out of 10, it will be a mess and 3- I am a big fan of Gavin Degraw's music. There are many many other things that define me but these 3 stand out. I have never made any apologies for who I am as a person so I will also not make any apologies for this over-emotional sappy blog post about Gavin.
I have always thought my life pretty ordinary and boring, but in a good way. The past year I have sought to make some positive changes in my life and it has not always been easy or as fast as I thought it would be and I have often been discouraged. However when I look back on the last 12 months I am amazed at all that has actually changed. 6 months ago I didn't know who Gavin Degraw was. I also didn't know some of the people that have come into my life as a result of his music. Most importantly I didn't know that his music would have such a profound impact on me as a person.
Around March Gavin's summer tour was announced and immediately I bought tickets with 2 friends I had met on twitter, Vickie and Nicole. I had met Vickie at my first Gavin concert in Williamsburg in February. To have met friends from social media was an entirely new phenomenon to me. I marvel at the significance of this now in my life! For months we would chat frequently about our anticipation for the concert, along with 2 other friends, also from twitter. Not many of my other friends really understood the level of excitement I had for that day, but these girls did. To have friends who just "get it" was pretty cool! To develop a deep friendship with these 4 women is one of my favorite new blessings in my life.
So the week of the concert was here. I was driving to Richmond to stay at Vickie's house and meet Nicole for the first time. I felt like I knew these ladies so well already and wasn't all that nervous about doing something a bit bizarre. I am still in awe of the power of social media sometimes! So sitting in Vickie's kitchen Wednesday night I felt like I was with 2 old dear friends who had been a part of my life for a long time. Pretty amazing!
I didn't sleep much Wednesday night because the nerves were starting to build. We found out from one of our other fan friends that we were going to see him at a private show at a radio station (there are a few details I am omitting here to get right to the point). I had no idea how to process the fact that I was going to meet him again!! (I met him for the first time after the Williamsburg concert). I will also be forever grateful to Tina who worked her magic to make it all happen!
Driving to the radio station I was a quiet bundle of nervous energy. I cannot properly describe to you the feelings I was having about meeting the person who sings the songs that carry me through each day. The anticipation was both thrilling and nerve wrecking. For awhile we weren't sure we were going to be able to get in, but when I found out that it was definitely happening I started to feel very calm. It was so important to me to just be in the moment.
Gavin sang 2 songs and we were so fortunate to be front and center! He is a born performer- his wit, his charm and his voice making every bit of it unforgettable. I wanted to video tape it so that I could relive it often, but also felt a bit odd doing so. I was able to capture one full song and half of the other. I still can't watch the video I took of "Not Over You" without tearing up.
After his songs I joined a long line to meet him- and here comes my favorite part! Gavin took time with each person in that room. He looks you right in the eye, shakes your hand and makes you feel like you are the most important person for that brief moment! (next time I am getting a hug ;)
All too often, celebrities use their status to put themselves above everyone else. The fact that Gavin doesn't do this is one of my very favorite things about him as a person. It felt like he was just one of us, hanging out and that is beyond cool in my book.
So I had my minute with him- I believe that he remembered me from the Williamsburg concert- or the numerous times I tweet him (ooopsie). He said, "Nice to see you again." WHAT? He meets hundreds of people and yet he recognized my face? Pretty damn amazing Degraw!! I sat and watched him greet the other 30 or so people (I know kinda creepy but whatever) and each and every person was made to feel incredibly special for their brief moment. *side note- When he said "Come here, hold me" for the picture, I may or may not have swooned just a little- but don't tell anyone*
When we left the station I was in complete awe of what had just happened and how very fortunate I was and I still had the concert to look forward too! The three of us got to the venue early and were so thankful that we had upgraded to covered seats from lawn seats as it was pouring down rain! We were the only people in our whole section when we got there. The venue started filling up and the concert began. We stood for most of his songs (probably to the displeasure of those behind us) but we could not sit! Clapping, dancing and singing along, I was blissfully happy! When it was over my first thought was when can I do this again? We are seeing him again August 31st but that felt like too far away. Luckily I have some videos to be able to relive the day. (links posted below)
Never in a million years would I have thought that music would bring so much into my life. Happiness, joy, raw emotion, friendships, memorable experiences- all because of music. How cool is that? I know other people experience this same thrill from sports or hobbies but I have found mine through song :)
All in all the past few days will go down in my life as some of the most meaningful and memorable. Thanks Music Man!!!
Gavin, if you ever read this, thank you for being you- for sharing a piece of yourself with people through your humble lyrics and your beautiful voice. You are a regular guy just doing what you are passionate about and sharing it with others- that, my friend, is pretty rare and awesome. You have a lifelong fan in Maryland!
As I go about my life, getting back to my normal routine, I catch myself reliving those moments with a smile. I have to remind myself that sometimes in life great things do happen. They may not be the things we want to happen or hope to happen but sometimes, many times, they are far better because they are unexpected, special and rare! When I think about the things that I want to happen in my life- like losing weight, or being able to pay my bills, for example, I will stop and remember the gift I had that came along in a different package than I was expecting. (See I told you I was overly sappy sometimes)
With a renewed vigor I will now get back to work on myself and wait for the next incredible, unexpected, special moment. Good things DO come to those who wait! July 26th is one year from when I started this journey and I still have much to accomplish before then! So excited about all the good things this next year will bring! It's time for me to "Make a Move" (also the title of Gavin's album due out in September :0)
Until then,
Remembering my "Best I Ever Had" day (Gavin's new single, Best I Ever Had, is amazing BTW)
(This blog is about my journey to get healthy but every once in awhile I need to throw in some personal reflection of another nature. This is one of those times....)
If you know me, then you know at least 3 things about me- 1- I am shy, overly emotional, and sappy. 2- if you come to my house, 9 times out of 10, it will be a mess and 3- I am a big fan of Gavin Degraw's music. There are many many other things that define me but these 3 stand out. I have never made any apologies for who I am as a person so I will also not make any apologies for this over-emotional sappy blog post about Gavin.
I have always thought my life pretty ordinary and boring, but in a good way. The past year I have sought to make some positive changes in my life and it has not always been easy or as fast as I thought it would be and I have often been discouraged. However when I look back on the last 12 months I am amazed at all that has actually changed. 6 months ago I didn't know who Gavin Degraw was. I also didn't know some of the people that have come into my life as a result of his music. Most importantly I didn't know that his music would have such a profound impact on me as a person.
Around March Gavin's summer tour was announced and immediately I bought tickets with 2 friends I had met on twitter, Vickie and Nicole. I had met Vickie at my first Gavin concert in Williamsburg in February. To have met friends from social media was an entirely new phenomenon to me. I marvel at the significance of this now in my life! For months we would chat frequently about our anticipation for the concert, along with 2 other friends, also from twitter. Not many of my other friends really understood the level of excitement I had for that day, but these girls did. To have friends who just "get it" was pretty cool! To develop a deep friendship with these 4 women is one of my favorite new blessings in my life.
So the week of the concert was here. I was driving to Richmond to stay at Vickie's house and meet Nicole for the first time. I felt like I knew these ladies so well already and wasn't all that nervous about doing something a bit bizarre. I am still in awe of the power of social media sometimes! So sitting in Vickie's kitchen Wednesday night I felt like I was with 2 old dear friends who had been a part of my life for a long time. Pretty amazing!
I didn't sleep much Wednesday night because the nerves were starting to build. We found out from one of our other fan friends that we were going to see him at a private show at a radio station (there are a few details I am omitting here to get right to the point). I had no idea how to process the fact that I was going to meet him again!! (I met him for the first time after the Williamsburg concert). I will also be forever grateful to Tina who worked her magic to make it all happen!
Driving to the radio station I was a quiet bundle of nervous energy. I cannot properly describe to you the feelings I was having about meeting the person who sings the songs that carry me through each day. The anticipation was both thrilling and nerve wrecking. For awhile we weren't sure we were going to be able to get in, but when I found out that it was definitely happening I started to feel very calm. It was so important to me to just be in the moment.
Gavin sang 2 songs and we were so fortunate to be front and center! He is a born performer- his wit, his charm and his voice making every bit of it unforgettable. I wanted to video tape it so that I could relive it often, but also felt a bit odd doing so. I was able to capture one full song and half of the other. I still can't watch the video I took of "Not Over You" without tearing up.
All too often, celebrities use their status to put themselves above everyone else. The fact that Gavin doesn't do this is one of my very favorite things about him as a person. It felt like he was just one of us, hanging out and that is beyond cool in my book.
So I had my minute with him- I believe that he remembered me from the Williamsburg concert- or the numerous times I tweet him (ooopsie). He said, "Nice to see you again." WHAT? He meets hundreds of people and yet he recognized my face? Pretty damn amazing Degraw!! I sat and watched him greet the other 30 or so people (I know kinda creepy but whatever) and each and every person was made to feel incredibly special for their brief moment. *side note- When he said "Come here, hold me" for the picture, I may or may not have swooned just a little- but don't tell anyone*
Never in a million years would I have thought that music would bring so much into my life. Happiness, joy, raw emotion, friendships, memorable experiences- all because of music. How cool is that? I know other people experience this same thrill from sports or hobbies but I have found mine through song :)
All in all the past few days will go down in my life as some of the most meaningful and memorable. Thanks Music Man!!!
Gavin, if you ever read this, thank you for being you- for sharing a piece of yourself with people through your humble lyrics and your beautiful voice. You are a regular guy just doing what you are passionate about and sharing it with others- that, my friend, is pretty rare and awesome. You have a lifelong fan in Maryland!
As I go about my life, getting back to my normal routine, I catch myself reliving those moments with a smile. I have to remind myself that sometimes in life great things do happen. They may not be the things we want to happen or hope to happen but sometimes, many times, they are far better because they are unexpected, special and rare! When I think about the things that I want to happen in my life- like losing weight, or being able to pay my bills, for example, I will stop and remember the gift I had that came along in a different package than I was expecting. (See I told you I was overly sappy sometimes)
With a renewed vigor I will now get back to work on myself and wait for the next incredible, unexpected, special moment. Good things DO come to those who wait! July 26th is one year from when I started this journey and I still have much to accomplish before then! So excited about all the good things this next year will bring! It's time for me to "Make a Move" (also the title of Gavin's album due out in September :0)
Until then,
Remembering my "Best I Ever Had" day (Gavin's new single, Best I Ever Had, is amazing BTW)
Not Over You- 94.9 The Point- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xv2xsArW0I
The end of Best I Ever Had- 94.9- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKeSn95pbb8
Make a Move- Virginia Farm Bureau Live- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=881ztsvrvJ8
Who's Gonna Save us Tonight (credit to Tina)- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lqroL8x4yk
Best I Ever Had- Virginia Farm Bureau Live- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhspqYtlXdU&feature=youtu.be
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