I Won't Give Up

"I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stakeWe had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am."

 Jason Mraz

Most times when I sit down to write a post I don't know where it is going to go.  I just start typing and out it comes- much like my life, I tend to be impulsive and trudge right through things without much planning involved. 
When I sat down at the computer tonight, I started Pandora to my station that I have created of all my favorite songs and Jason Mraz, I Won't Give Up started playing. 
 Now this song is about a relationship, and I have always loved it and thought longingly about the relationship I will have one day whenever I hear it.  Well tonight it took on a different meaning- my relationship with this journey that I am on.
I won't give up- there will be times that I will lose my way but in the end "I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make."  I am in a relationship with this journey that I am on and I intend to stick it out and never give up.
I have definitly developed a realtionship with the treadmill, maybe a love hate one but definitly a relationship.  I have consistently walked 2 miles everyday this week and today pushed myself a little harder and went .2 farther. 
 When I first start walking I always think about how far I have to go and how much I hate it and I will never be able to hang in there and walk for 40 minutes and it is never going to end.  Then I sort of get in my groove and settle in for the haul.  Yesterday and today I even did 30/30 intervals for about 15 minutes (run for 30 seconds, walk for 30 seconds) and it was so much easier than attempting to just run until I can't anymore.  Dare I say that I actually liked it?  Oh the horrors - if myself from last summer could see me now!!  A BIG thank you to my cheerleader, Shannon, for pushing me toward this and her continued support and encouragement along this journey.  She is always there to urge me back into it when I have gotten lazy and I will forever be greatful!  Shannon also runs 30/30 intervals and I can only hope to one day have the endurance that she does. But for now, I am immensly happy with my progress and my developing relationship with my treadmill!

Even though I took a few weeks off, didn't count calories and basically threw caution to the wind with my eating, it isn't too late to get back involved and give it all i've got.  My new goal is to lose something, anything  before Christmas.  I have 4 weeks left to reach this goal- I am not putting a number on it because it is a short term goal and I don't want to set myself up for failure. Any loss if a loss and it will be even sweeter this time of year when losing is just plain harder than any other time. 
 So it's back at it and it really feels good.  I am more motivated and ready to see the results on the scale again- it has been too long.  Even though I haven't really gained per say- I have played with the same 2 pounds now for weeks- I am more than ready to bid good riddance to those pesky 2 pounds and then add more to it.  The fact that I have developed a relationship with the treadmill that is working for me is going to make it so much easier because finding good food choices that I am just not sick and tired of has been a challenge.  I will detail this better in my next blog post as I think I need to flesh it out a bit- oh watermelon and tomato sandwhiches how I miss you!
Until then,

It's All About the Preparation

I have never been good at organization.  I am horrible at putting things back where they belong, organizing meals, keeping track of important things etc.  It is all just overwhelming to me.  It has taken me a long time to embrace this about myself. 
 I call it the "coupon effect".  I have always longed to be able to use coupons but every time I try, it is a huge fail.  I spend way too much time in the grocery store going back and forth between aisles trying to get all of the items that I have coupons for. Don't even get me started on the whole math aspect of it- that is for another post.  Inevitably by the time I get to the cashier, I forget to give him or her the coupons.  All in all it is one big emotionally frustrating mess.  Couponing parallels alot of other areas of my life too.  ADHD much?  Yeah I think so.
So what does this have to do with this journey that I am on?
Enter the treadmill.
The first time I walked on the treadmill, I forgot my water bottle.   Now I was in the den, with the sliding glass door closed and my children were God knows where.  I didn't want to stop because I knew that the inner workings of my brain would take over and all hopes of walking 2 miles would be lost.  It is such a mental game to stay on the darn thing as it is.  Finally Grace ran by through the kitchen and I was able to scream to her over the loud TV and gears of the treadmill and she brought me my water. 
The next time I was on the treadmill I forgot to pull my hair up which completely annoyed me.  Anna was watching TV but did not have a ponytail holder.  Now anyone other than a teenager would have gone and found one for their mother who does everything for them, but NO I live with a teenager and have to embrace the "it's all about me" attitude or die trying to change it. Yeah she didn't even offer to go get me one.
Well today was no different.  I thought I had it all together.  I spent extra time making sure I had everything- water bottle- check.  TV remote- check.  Phone and IPAD (in case I wanted to read)- check.  Hair back- check. I was set!
The walk started out well, I increased my speed to a point where I thought that maybe I could run for a few minutes.  I had successfully run for about a minute several times throughout my other walks and I was hoping to increase it today.
FAIL 
 I bet you cannot guess why.  Believe me, it was epic!
As soon as I began to run I quickly remembered my bra choice that morning.  Yup it was my old, warn out, no support, wear it when I am lazy bra.  I will spare you the painful details but it wasn't pretty.
So once again I thought I had all the "coupons" I needed and once again I was disappointed in the end results.
However, I can report that what was going to be a 1 mile walk turned into a 1.5 mile walk which then became a full 2 mile walk!  The first mile was pretty bad.  I started out too fast and with my boob fail I thought there is no way I was even making it to a mile.  I slowed it way down and was able to keep up a good pace through that mile.  Survivor was keeping my company and before the reward challenge was over I was at 1.6 miles.  Having moved past the 1.5 point, I thought what the heck I might as well hang in there for the full 2 miles.  After all, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I need to burn as many calories as possible.
I plan to walk again tomorrow before all the festivities and you can bet your bippy I will have my sports bra on!
Until then,
Reevaluating my supply list

Don't Tread on Me

Several months ago my Mom asked me if I wanted their treadmill.  This immediately sent me into panic mode!
1. I would have to find a place for it in my overly cluttered small house that is already overloaded with crap in every room.
2. If I took it then I would HAVE to use it, which creates another whole anxiety list.
3. How would I get it from her basement to my house, after all I don't have a truck, a husband or boyfriend to help.
4. Was I THAT committed to walking?
So I politely declined, not ready to overload my brain with any of the aforementioned stresses.
Then fall hit and I was "falling" behind in my walking and weight loss.  I have pretty much stayed the same weight the whole month of October, this is not acceptable.  It was becoming harder to find daylight time to walk and as much as I detest walking in the heat and sweating, I have found that I dislike walking in the cold almost as much.
So begrudgingly I decided that if I were to continue on this weight loss journey I would have to take my parents up on their offer of a "free" treadmill.
Once I made up my mind and told my Mom that I wanted it, I started the ball rolling. 
I knew that the only place I might be able to find room for it was in the den and it would have to be in a room with a TV in order for there to be even a remote chance of success.  
 Now I am not a spacial person, you should see me try to fit leftovers in Tupperware- I inevitably choose one that is too small or way too large.  I spent several days looking over my den and trying to visualize just where it would go.  I thought I had it all figured out.
I bribed my neighbor with wine and he was all too willing to help- a God send.
So on Saturday night( yes we waited until it was dark- brilliant move on our part), Kevin and I drove over to my parents house in his truck. 
 Thankfully the treadmill was in the basement right next to an outside door.  Kevin and I each took a side and tried lifting it.  I was ready to give up right then and there, I could not see how we were going to move it, let alone get it up the steps. Kevin was not so dissuaded.  He was determined to do this thing.
We were able to get it over to the steps but were snared by the door jam, we couldn't get the door open far enough to get it through.  Once again, I was ready to pack it in, oh well we tried!  Kevin, not so much- he brutely moved 2 cabinets out of the way so that the door would open wider and instructed me on how to maneuver it through the door. 
Once we had it out the door I thought once again that all hope was lost.  How were we going to get it up the steps?  I went through the house and out the back door to grab the top while Kevin hefted from the bottom.  Surprisingly we were able to get it to the top!  Both of us, huffing and puffing took a break while we contemplated getting it down the small hill and into the truck. 
Luckily it had wheels.  I pushed and Kevin pulled as we wheeled it over the grass and down the hill.  One more manly heave and we had it in the back of the truck! I don't think our breathing returned to normal until we were almost home.
My house was a bit easier, over the grass to the backyard and in through the sliding glass door right in to the den!  We plopped it right in the door and I defiantly announced that I was DONE.  After all I had not cleared a spot for it and was not willing to exert myself anymore, it was Saturday night after all.  We spent the rest of the evening drinking wine on the porch!  Success!!
All of this meant that I would have to spend today trying to figure out where it would go.  I started out with my original plan, to put it alongside the couch.  Epic fail- it completely blocked the steps forcing anyone coming down the 2 steps into the den to walk over the treadmill to get around.
On to plan B, which required me to remove a table and a ton of junk from the corner (which is still sitting in a pile in the den) and also move a large junk filled cabinet.  At first I thought that I would have to move the cabinet into the dining room which sent my mind into another fit of anxiety for several reasons (see #3 above).  It would be physically impossible for me to do it alone- damn singlehood.
In a brief moment of clarity I decided to turn the cabinet around and push it up against the other wall praying that it would allow enough room for the treadmill to open up.  I had to remove 3 drawers and slowly was able to push it into place.  Now for the moment of truth- I moved the treadmill up against the couch and tried to open it.  Yeah I think you know where this is going- it bumped into the cabinet.
I assessed the couch situation and saw that I had a little room to move it down the wall a bit- one problem tho- my daughter was asleep on it.  I decided to take a bit of a break and wait for her to wake up- this was becoming more of an ordeal than I had bargained for but now I was more determined than ever to get it to work BY MYSELF, muttering my favorite saying in my head- I don't need no stinkin man! (Ok ok I did need one to get it here I know).

When Anna woke up, I pushed the couch down as far as I could and tried again- ALMOST but not quite.  Pushing the couch and then the treadmill closer and closer I kept trying until finally success!!!  (although I can't open the bottom drawer of the cabinet, but that is ok it is only filled with note cards and thank you notes and who uses THEM anymore really?).  I had done it!!

Now time to walk!  I found the movie, We Bought a Zoo, tied my shoes and hopped on. 

Now when I walk in the neighborhood I usually average about 3.5 mph so I worked up to that on the treadmill and soon found out that walking on a treadmill is a bit different than on the street.  I settled at about 2.7mph and pushed myself to walk 2 miles.  I was first going to stop at a mile, then a mile and a half and then decided I would go for the full 2.  It took me about 40 minutes.  When I hopped off I felt like I was a newborn calf.  My legs were jello and I felt a bit lightheaded.  Yup walking the treadmill was going to take some getting used to.

I have decided that I will set a goal to walk 1-2 miles a day for as many days a week as I can.  Being able to watch TV or play on the ipad while walking is kinda thrilling!  Both of the girls have taken a spin on it as well, which is kinda cool (runners in the making?).

So there ya have it, my anxiety filled adventures of getting a  treadmill.  Was it worth it?  I'll tell you about it in a few weeks!

Until then,
I Have to find a place for all the displaced crap

Flashbacks and Political Musings

11-6-2012
Election Day! (More on that later)

I have been on this journey for a little over 3 months (has it really only been 3 months?).  At the beginning I struggled to just walk a mile without shin and ankle pain.  Now I can walk for 3 miles with no pain and to be honest I never thought I would get there.
So on Saturday when I went for my walk, my shoe untied (this was a first), so I bent down to tie it and not wanting to lose my momentum, when I stood back up my body just started running and I just went with it.  I didn't think about it, no inner dialogue took place, I just ran.  The smile that emerged was amazing- I WAS RUNNING!!!  It didn't last too long because my shins woke up and started screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"  But that was ok because I had run, for probably 2 minutes and I was smiling and amazed.  I tried running a few more times but each time my shins perked up and said, "oh no you don't." 
Now I could have been discouraged but I had a flashback of sorts to early August when I was plagued with this same pain from walking and I knew that with time, ice and rest, I was able to put those shin screaming to rest. 
Today I went back out and thought I would try intervals ( walk a minute, run a minute, etc.) I have an app, recommended by my cheerleader, Shannon.  It dings after each minute to alert me to the next interval.  
After a 4 minute walking warm-up the bell tolled- and off I was running, right next to a crew of men taking down a tree.  I chuckled to myself thinking how dumb I must look but then changed my thoughts knowing that they didn't know me and they weren't on this journey with me and who cares what they thought!.  I had this same thought as the ding donged right next to the lady walking the dog and again when the old man was getting out of his car.  Each time I raised my head and jogged on, thinking to myself- "Even though I feel like I look like this....

I will keep running on."  Those people can stare at my jiggly butt and judge, but at least I am jiggling this butt forward!
I had to concede to my shins after about a mile and walked the rest of the way home satisfied that I was making progress and hopeful that 3 months from now I will be running with no shin pain.

**And now on to political thoughts- If you don't care what my thoughts on gay marriage are then please stop reading- I won't judge you, just like I hope you won't judge me.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a bit impulsive, a bit emotional and some may even say a bit obsessive.  When it comes to Facebook I often post impulsively- I think it and then I post it.  Yeah sometimes it is even annoying to me but hey, it is who I am. 
 I have tried to refrain from posting my political views (sometimes unsuccessfully) because I know that there are many of my friends who disagree with my views and I don't like using FB for arguments.
In Maryland this election day we are voting to allow Gay Marylanders the right to marry.  It also protects churches that do not believe it is God's will for same sex marriages.  Now God and politics shouldn't mix and it is my view that this ammendment protects just that.  However, it also protects love, which I know is what God is all about (at least the God I know).
God has given us free will and with that free will we ALL sin- no one is above it.  It is God to judge us- PERIOD.  Many believe that same sex marriage is a sin and while I do not, I do respect those that do. I believe that God (MY GOD) would never condemn someone to hell for LOVING someone else in a committed, faithful way. 
 My church has a few openly gay couples who are the most loving, faithful people I know.  One couple in particular is at every church function, lending a hand, preaching God's love and raising 2 beautiful children in the church.  These children are learning God's love and watching their 2 Dads grow in faith and commitment to each other as well as other people.  I applaud my church for allowing these 2 fine men to minister alongside me.  I also would love to see them afforded the same rights that I had in my marriage, if not for them then for their children.  How can we teach them equality and social justice when they would have to watch their parents denied the rights given to others just because they are practicing their love- don't we teach our children that God made us in his likeness?  Does that not apply to these fine men of outstanding character?
I am fully aware that some people do not believe as I do and I respect their beliefs as I would hope they respect mine- but isn't that what Question 6 is all about- allowing those that believe that we are all equal, equal rights under the law, while protecting those that don't believe?  I don't own a gun, never will but I respect the rights of those that want to own them.  Guns don't kill people- people kill people.  Love doesn't discriminate- people do.

If you stayed with me for this rant, thanks- In my own impulsive, obsessive way, I had to get it out and chose this forum to do so.  You have the right not to read it or to disagree.  You also have the right to vote and express your opinion.
Until then,
Resting up my voting finger

Survival Mode

Now that Hurricane Sandy has blown through town and wrecked havoc with all of us, I have a few thoughts about how it effected me.  When the forecasts were nailed down and it looked imminent that this thing was happening, I immediately went into survival mode.  I was convinced that we were going to lose power and several rooms in my house were going to flood.  I was uber prepared.  First was grocery shopping.  I did not buy anything that required a freezer or refrigerator.  My cart was full of canned fruits, snacks, spaghettios, oddles of Noodles, and counting calories was a distant memory. 
My second step of survival was to prepare the house.  I brought in everything off of my front porch which amounted to an extra chair, table, love seat, storage chest and various wall hangings in my living room.  I secured the trash cans and the contents of the backyard and moved on to the basement where I gathered everything of importance off of the floor and placed it as high as I could.  Anyone who has seen my basement knows that this is a mean feat because it basically looks like a hurricane just blew threw there already and tossed crap all over the place.  5 flashlights were lined up on the counter ready for action and the girls were piling blankets on the 2 living room couches preparing to sleep as close to Mom as they could get.  Grace really enjoyed the extra furniture in the house and took complete control over the porch love seat for 3 days!
Once the house was secure, all that was left to do was wait.  I contemplated getting in a quick walk before the rains but quickly reminded myself that I had to be ready at a moments notice to go into protector mode so I decided to "hunker down".  There I said it- the most annoying phrase I have ever heard and would continue to hear several times an hour throughout the storm as I obsessively switched between the weather channel and WBAL. 
The storm began and along with it came a voracious hunger. It felt like the winds and rain were dredging up some deep desire to gorge myself and boy did I oblige.
I basically spend the entire duration of the storm watching news coverage, eating, checking my sliding glass door which had developed a leak,eating, checking the basement, eating some more and taking the occasional peak outside.

When all was said and done I surveyed the dsurroundings and found that the only damage that Hurricane Sandy had caused in my house was to my diet. 
This got me to thinking about survival mode as more and more of my friends began to comment on their own healthy appetite and lack of control over their eating during the storm.  Does our body know that we are in survival mode and our appetite responds to it?  I can't help but think that our brains are so intricately wired that some minuscule spot somewhere in that mess flips a switch and tells our body to stock up on calories in a strange dooms day hormonal surge. 
Read this hysterical blog post that creatively uses GIF pictures that relays the same message: https://email.bcps.org/owa/redir.aspx?C=uEabRs8QgUu720nbui3n9YuNH_rhjM9Icve5rklxRJkLXDFDRyatndmHUTSBo3EQvkO8sOKeVEU.&URL=http%3a%2f%2fupdates.jezebel.com%2fpost%2f34765568302%2fa-new-yorkers-hurricane-experience-as-told-through

 Or maybe not.  Perhaps my subconscious just took advantage of a lapse in routine and decided to have as much fun as it could until I snapped back to reality.  Either way, when I stepped on the scale today, I was screwed.  I am not too upset by it, I know that in this year long process, there will be weeks that I gain, there will be lulls in my exercise plan and times that I need to pick myself up, dust myself off and get back on that horse.  Today was just that day!  Back to counting calories, walking and controlling my mindset so that I can continue on this journey.  But somewhere in the far recesses of my mind, a tiny part of me is yelling, "When is the next storm coming?"  
Until then,
Munching on my 100 calorie snacks