- Having been beaten in a battle or other contest: "the defeated army".
- Demoralized and overcome by adversity
So it has all come to this. 11 months of this journey and here I sit utterly defeated. Nowhere near where I wanted to be. Caught up in a battle of self sabotage so deep that I have been beaten (see definition of defeated).
In 11 months I lost 22 pounds, gained back 6 and now sit at a loss of 16 pounds. But most importantly I have lost so much more than that- I have lost my motivation, my drive and my determination. I am not really sure what happened other than I got lazy. I got lazy because it is hard, it is everyday and it is not fun. I pretended for a very long time that I liked it- fake it til you make it - if you will.
But the reality is that it sucks. I work so hard counting every calorie, exercising and worrying about everything that I eat and what do I get for it? Tight pants and horrible pictures that make me ill to look at.
Ok wait, I have to stop because I don't want you to think that I am looking for a pity party or some great big inspirational speech- that is not what I am going for here at all!!! SO please do not give me any of that. I am not the type of person that oozes crappy details of my life looking for attention. I also am not looking for quotes of inspiration and "You can do it" jargon- I have enough of those filed away in my computer to read for the rest of my life. In short, I am not looking for anything from anyone else but myself.
I write this to document my struggles, to detail my journey, nothing more. I still look at this as a journey. Nowhere in the above paragraphs have I said that I give up. But does being defeated mean given up?
Yes I have been beaten down, I have been demoralized and overcome with adversity. I freely admit that and embrace it because here I sit in my oversized comfy pants after feasting on a dinner of cookies and chips and have no one to blame but myself.
I have wracked my brain for reasons as to why I shoveled in the second piece of pizza last night knowing full well that I had not eaten well all day. I see pictures of myself and can't believe it is me and wonder what happened to my drive to look better by now. I put my pants on and am so confused as to why they are tight. And each time I say, I am going to eat so well today and open up my calorie app and log in my breakfast, pack myself a healthy lunch and then something happens- I get miserable, I get mad, I get defeated, laying on the ground willingly taking the punches because I no longer have the strength to get back up.
That is where I am right now and it sucks.... really sucks. I want my determination back and the things that lie between the me "then" and the me "now" is the knowledge that this journey is not easy. When I began I was starry eyed, hopeful and it all seemed easy and maybe even fun. Well it's not. and I hate it, every step of it.
My biggest fear is that I will stay stuck in this place and not lose anymore and God forbid, gain it all back. That is probably the crippling part for me right now. I hate being overweight, hate it more than anything I have ever hated before in my life. It is a sad place to be.
You see I was never overweight growing up, I never struggled with weight and always felt good in my clothes. So this is still very foreign to me and very very easy to deny(see previous posts about my happy land of denial)
I have the utmost admiration for people who have taken this journey and succeeded far more than I have to this point. I applaud you!
SO the big question for me is, how am I going to get back to it? How do I get my motivation back? Especially when I believe that I am eating well yet get on that scale and there is no loss.
No amount of encouragement from friends will give it to me. No pity from strangers will force me back to it. NO tears on my pillow or self-pity gorge fest are going to get me back to the place I need to be.
There is only 1 thing standing between me and that horse I need to get back on.... Just doing it. Stop the bitching, stop the complaining, the tears, the whining and the self-loathing and just do it. Hate it, cry and complain but DO IT!! What other choice do I have? I refuse to be fat and unhappy anymore. I know how hard it will be, I will HATE it every step but I have to do it- for me, for my girls and for my life. I don't need anyone else telling me I can do it, I need ME telling ME I can do it, I think that is where I am stuck- very little success has forced me to stop telling myself I can do it because I feel as if I haven't done it- I have let myself down and THAT is a bad place to be.
I need to do it on my own for myself. I know I still have a long way to go and I may HATE my body right now but one day I want to love it and it will never get to that point until I stop my pity party and begin again. Pick myself up, dust myself off and begin again. And if I fall down again, I will keep picking myself up and begin again and again and again until I have reached that place where I can see myself in a picture, or a bathing suit, or the mirror and say "Oh Hi there, I remember you, damn you look good!" It's a long way off but eventually I will get there. ONE. STEP. AT. A. TIME.
Until then,
Sucking in my gut
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