I had a small success in the weight loss arena this week- I have now lost a total of 22.5! Several days of decent, but not great calorie counting, but only moderate exercising helped me reach this number. Now my mind LOVES to play tricks on me and that old devil inside me just waits patiently for this opportunity. So here is the thought process of said devil:
"Ahhh see you can lose weight without really putting too much effort into it. You don't really need to run everyday. You lost weight this week without logging in every calorie, you don't need to do that anymore. Oh take a break from all that hard work, you deserve it." Blah blah blah, you get the point.
I have not weighed in since that day I hit 22.5 pound and in that time I only ran once, pigged on pizza and other snacks and have basically thrown caution to the wind. In other word: I am resting on my laurels.
This phrase jumped into my head as I was driving back from UMBC at 8:30 this morning after dropping Anna and Megan off at an all day College event. I basically berated myself the whole way around 695 for allowing that devil to take over my thoughts and getting lazy about it all.
Resting on one's laurels: To be satisfied with one's past success and to consider further effort unnecessary.
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Yup that's what I've done. I reached a small success and thought- ok I don't have to try anymore right now. I hate when I do that. I get lazy, I get complacent. Then I get mad at myself- a vicious cycle really.
I am terrified to get back on that scale because I know that number will be up and I will have undone everything I did to get to that point. This is not the first time either, it is basically what I have been doing all along, which is why it has taken me 8 months to lose 22.5 pound.
I really should be running more than .5 miles at this point but I have been lazy about it. I allow myself 30 minutes of walking and push myself to run .5 but could really be doing more. Adding 5 more minutes each time. Adding another .2 to my running each time.
Doing the bare minimum with little effort- anyone who knows me knows that this is often how I operate with a lot of things. This is what makes this journey so difficult for me- this internal battle I struggle with all the time in many different areas of my life.
So what now? Well I haven't given up but I am to the point where this measly weight loss isn't working for me anymore.
I had a miserable experience Easter dress shopping. In my mind, I had lost 22 pounds and I was going to go to Chico's and find an adorable dress that looked stunning on my and I would bask in the glory of looking and feeling good. Well what really happened is that I quickly realized that I am no where near where I want my body to be. I had a very very patient sales lady that was throwing basically everything in the store at me and every time I stepped out of the dressing room, I was mortified at my body in the mirror. At one point, I hid in the dressing room frantically wiping tears as the sales lady was trying to hand me yet one more outfit to try.
I finally settled on a sweater, necklace and skirt that I felt somewhat ok in but not at all what I thought I would look like. Yes I had lost weight and yes I looked a whole heck of a lot better than I would have 6 months ago but the image I had in my mind of my body was not matching the outward view and my tears were tears of frustration and disappointment.
I think this is what prompted ole devil to rear it's ugly head which allowed me to rest on my laurels and not be spurned into action. You would think that I would have come home and thrust myself full force into running and counting calories- yeah not so much. Being on spring break didn't help either.
So here I sit, afraid to get on the scale and vacillating between wanting to rest on my laurels and getting back down to business. Spring clothes shopping is almost upon us and I can not go back into that dressing room without a clearer perspective on my body and a better feeling about it as well. That only leaves me with one choice- only one- Throw the damn laurels down the drain and get moving.
There is nothing like the feeling of getting on that scale and seeing a lower number and I will NEVER understand why that isn't motivation enough for me. Through sheer will and determination I will move that number this week. It will be a daily battle but one I am willing to make. I have to tell myself every minute of every day that It is worth it- that I am worth it. I want to reach 25 pounds so desperately and I can't allow that devil to win this one!
No more resting on my laurels, no more complacency, no more negative attitude. I will see that number on the scale and be renewed in this journey and exactly what it takes to get there!
Until then,
Bring it!
P.s Here is an interesting link to the origin of "resting on one's Laurels". Yeah this kind of stuff fascinates me, word nerd that I am! http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/rest-on-his-laurels.html
